“I AM WHOLE” Lesotho, Africa: 01/12/19
All the times you made me feel small and worthless. You only did that because you needed someone to feel like you did on the inside. “IT WAS NEVER WHO I WAS.” It was how you felt inside, but could never say, or did not know how to express. So your pain over flowed onto me.
I was never your’s to hurt, and you where never mine. We where just lost souls. Both of us clawing at the life we hated, trying to find joy in one another, trying to find joy in anything. Only to find that worldly joy was only temporary, and always faded away as soon as you thought you finally grasped it. A constant search in the dark, hopeless for there is no joy be found. Blissful haze, the life of the party. But after the haze settled there was nothing left. No more excitement, no more people, just empty bottles, and full cigarette treys.
We where just two broken people killing one another slowly. The “I loves you’s” where meaningless, void words that where spoken. True love is unconditional, and unconditional love was a foreign language to us both. But because we needed someone to love, and we needed to feel loved. We loved the only way we knew how, selfishly. What could you do for me? Or what could I do for you in return? This toxic air we could not help but breath, no one had taught us any differently. Life was like an addiction we could not stop, for fear is hidden in the unknown. At the end of the tunnel we slowly dug together, we drug each other closer and closer to deaths door. Never close enough to touch it, but just close enough to smell the rot.
Many fights, and heated threats. Holes punched in walls. Isolation, loneliness, depression. Self preservation. We did it to each other. Two broken people trying to be whole. Like two people drowning, each clinging to the other for air but both are already under water and can not breathe. Broken people only know how to break the gift’s they are given. Because the gift will eventually reflect ones own self value. The gift is not pretty to look at anymore. Just trash is all to be seen in it’s reflection. Just shattered pieces of once a whole person who can no longer see there worth. All they see is the shattered glass. And broken pieces scattered all over the floor. Not daring to touch the brokenness or the pieces may shatter even more. So we put the brokenness away hoping no one will ever find the pieces, hoping they never ask the question needing a sincere answer, “Are you ok?”
If you can not make me feel whole? If our love is conditional? If we mirror our pain on to each other, is there any way to fix this? Or once broken, are we always broken? Maybe we can glue together the broken pieces? Like old trash trying to look like it belong’s in a mansion? No? How then!? If broken people can not fix themselves, “THEN HOW!!??” Tell me how to fix me? Can I ever find joy? Can I ever be whole again?
“Yes, with three simple words.” “I FORGIVE YOU!!” I leave my resentment with God, resentment of how other people have hurt me. I leave my anger with Him, because I did not have a voice then, but I have one now! I leave my hatred with Him, because hate only hurts me.
I am not going to live another day with the things you said to make me stay. I will not live another day believing I am broken and shattered. “I am WHOLE!” “I am created by God for a purpose!” And that purpose I will no longer allow anyone to keep me from it. The things you said, “THEY ARE NOT TRUE!” It was your insecurity’s speaking, mirroring your fears. What you said, “IS NOT WHO I AM CREATED TO BE!”
For all the times I hurt you, and said those horrible thing’s,”please forgive me?” I was not myself, I was broken and hurting just the same as you. I had fear to, and was scared to be alone. The scales have been ripped from my eyes. My value I found in God! I see the gift he as given to me now, life and life abundantly! All those broken pieces that I hid, God collected. He created a beautiful vase with them. A vase trimmed in gold, lined with rubies, encased by God’s love. What I once thought was trash is now priceless! Perfectly sculpted by my creator inside and out. Now the reflection I see in the mirror is how God see’s me. Whole and full of his joy, full of the life he gave to me! “I am God’s daughter!”
Life is to short, and I have to much to live for to think about what we did so many years ago. I pray you are well, and have found what you where looking for all those years ago. If not I wanted to let you know the gift God has given me has also been given to you. You are priceless. You have a purpose. God loves you, and sculpted you just as he sculpted me. You are trimmed in gold, lined with rubies, encased in God’s perfect love. Sculpted by the creator. He is longing to love you to, to fill you with His joy. He knocks and all you have to do is open the door!
I did not know how to love then. Love use to mean “I love you because of what you give to me.” Now love has a new definition in my life. That definition is “love is unconditional.” Love is how Jesus loved. He gave us the ultimate example of what love really means. He died for us, even though he did no wrong. He took on the sin’s of the world. He gave his life so that we may have a relationship with him.
I gave my life to him four years ago. Now I am on the other side of the world sharing that love he showed me. I could have never imagined my life being this. God wanted the best for me, and the best is still yet to come!
If you are feeling trapped, broken, worthless, lost, or unloved. Know you where beautiful made, and loved by God. He wants to show you how good life can be. He wants to show you how priceless you really are. If you would just let him he will.
There is one thing you have to do, and it is very simple. It starts with a prayer. All you have to do is say this prayer, and mean it! And your life will never be the same again. Repeat this prayer out loud..
“Jesus, I am broken, and I know my life is meant for something more. I have done a lot of bad in my life and sinned against you. Forgive me now for I am sorry that I have wronged you. I want my life to be different I want to know how much you love me. Will you please come into my heart right now Lord. I believe you died on the cross in payment of my sin. So I could have a relationship with you. Please come and live inside of me be with me all the days of my life. Help me to grow in wisdom of you. Help me to understand your love for me. I thank you Lord Jesus for everything you have done to protect me. We will be together always My life I give to you today. Thank you Jesus, Amen!”
P.S. If you said this prayer I encourage you to get a Bible, and read it. Your value is written in the scriptures (John 3:16 is just one of them) I also encourage you to find a Church, or a small group to attend. Being around other like minded believers is very important, for encouragement and growth in God. If you have questions please leave a comment.
