At Training Camp, in two different small groups, I shared prayer requests which I thought were just about me and the group’s impulse was to pray for my family. I was caught off guard as I acknowledged that they were discerning the heart of what I was really saying and not just my words. Through that revelation I came to realize something. Somewhere along the line, I stopped believing in God to work in my loved ones’ lives, whether it was for their salvation, mental health, or their marriage. Sure I would offer prayers for them, but those prayers were often lacking true conviction or genuine hope. Once I realized that, I was filled with remorse. How small is my belief in God? How impatient can I be, that in less than ten years I’ve come to the conclusion that God is simply not going to work in that area of my life? I had to take a look in my heart and admit to something that I had been trying to suppress: doubt.
I became a Christian at the age of 18, but before that, I still desperately wanted to be one. I loved going to church. We went on Christmas and Easter. I was always asking to go on random Sundays, but since I was too young to go by myself, I usually couldn’t go. But on the occasions we did go, particularly when visiting family out of state, I raised my hand EVERY single time the pastor asked if there was anyone who wanted to give their life to Christ. And then I would sit there. Still unsure. Still with 100 questions. Until next time.
I wanted to ask those pastors why they believed in God, and if their faith was really as strong as they made it seem. I wanted to ask them how they believed, in the face of scientific discoveries. I wanted to ask them how they were sure, really sure, that Jesus rose from the dead. But I would never ask them that. Not just because I was a kid, and too shy to approach a stranger to ask that kind of question. But because I thought questioning, expressing any doubt, was an offence, and if I had doubt, I would be sent to hell. So I never looked for answers to the questions that I had. I tried to subdue my mind to “just believe” and hope for the best.
I would like to say I’ve grown. In a lot of ways I have. Google can be an amazing tool for seeking answers. Chances are someone has had the same question as you. Some questions get answers. Some questions get put on a shelf for the time being. Because I know who Jesus is, I don’t need the answer to every single question. But doubt is more than a question about how old the earth is, or whether or not the disciples lied. Doubt asks “who is God and what can He really do?” Doubt asks “Can God step into my friends’ and family members’ lives and bring about positive change?”
At Training Camp, and a week later at Bible study, I confessed to my doubt. I spoke, out loud, to witnesses, that I had stopped believing for the people closest to me. I started to tear up. How can I say I doubt God? He’s God! And yet, when I spoke it out loud, it no longer had power over me. Satan no longer owned my doubt. It was out in the open, something to be dealt with instead of something to be hidden or denied. I began to ask Him honest questions and He began to answer me.
Can He step into my situation?
He has already saved me and given me hope, new life, and a future.
Can He step into complexity?
He MADE the heavens and the Earth. Genesis 1:1
Can he step into mental illness?
He gives a listening ear for those with depression and anxiety.
(Many of the Psalms)
Can He step into betrayal?
Jesus reinstates Peter, after Peter denied him 3 times. John 21:15-19
Can he step into adultery?
He forgives and offers grace. John 8: 1-11
Can he step into child abuse?
Jesus showed love and compassion for children.
He said let the little children come to me. Luke 18:16
Can He step into self-harm?
He set a man free from cutting. Mark 5: 1-13
To be honest, he set me free from self harm too.
Can He step into selfishness?
Read my last blog!
Can He step into doubt?
Most definitely. He helps us overcome our disbelief. Mark 9:24
Can He step into death?
Yes! And come through the other side, resurrected!
Many of these are only half answers, the first thing that popped into my head as I asked question after question to God. As it stands, I am still seeking, still moving toward trust, but now I know that God CAN indeed step into any situation, however ugly it may appear.
Also, I think I wrote about two different kinds of doubt here that are, in my mind, related. The first is factual doubt in the Bible and its stories. Do not fear this kind of doubt, as I did. There is nothing wrong with using your brain to search for the answers, and God grew my faith a lot once I was willing to admit that I wasn’t sure. The Gospel is true, and as such it can stand up against any questions you may have against it, if you seek answers honestly. In the end you will have a faith that is well-reasoned and sincere.
In terms of doubt in God’s character and/or your relationship with Him, sometimes you need to identify what you are not believing so you can ask Him to help you believe what you should. Name and identify your doubt. Own it. Ask Him to call it out of you. And pray prayers of faith in its place. You will grow closer to Him in honesty and trust.
God is good, no doubt.
