As some of you may know, for the World Race, I am weaning myself off of coffee. Not because I won’t be able to find it on the Race, but because it may not be constantly available and in the quantity that I’m used to. And mostly because I don’t want to be subject to any kind of addiction once I am on the Race. So starting in February I reduced my coffee intake to two cups a day and in April I started having only one.
This morning I was only making coffee for myself, since all of my family members were out of the house. Because of that I made a cup and a half, to account for evaporation or whatever. I made my cup, and then there was a little less than half a cup left. And so I looked at it, and looked at it. “Maybe my cup wasn’t all the way full in the first place.” “This cup is smaller than the one you usually use.” “Just have a FEW more sips, not the whole thing.” “If you don’t drink it, it will go to waste, no one else is here.” “It’s still hot and fresh.” ”Maybe you can have a cheat day.” Still battling with myself, I poured it in the cup. Looked at it. Debated pouring it back in the pot. And then, finally, I poured it out, into the sink. And it was gone, no more inner dialogue. Gone down the drain.
Throughout my life, and specifically my life as a Christian, I’ve shown an embarrassing lack of control when it comes to my ability to “pour it out,” whatever “it” may. Usually it involves a relationship, but it could be anything, whatever it is that is hard to let go of. And like coffee, it may not be something inherently bad. In fact, it usually feels like a waste to let it go. Thoughts fill my mind about how to compromise, but small compromises turn into huge mistakes. Pouring it out is a permanent step that I cannot take back when it means walking away from a bad relationship, saying “no more,” “enough is enough.” Pouring it out means letting go of the ability to be tempted by it anymore. But I have hung on to things in the name of closure, or because I believe they have some lasting sentimental value. It’s time to empty myself of those things, so they cannot have power or mastery over me anymore. Permanent, lasting steps that show I’m committed to the decision that I’ve made. No turning back.
Sometimes I identify so much with Lot’s wife, who, on fleeing her home and her past, turned back, only to be turned into a pillar of salt. I always thought that was so strange and wondered why salt. I always thought it was a punishment, that God turned her into salt. But when I researched a bit before writing this, I saw that some people say it is just what happened naturally, due to all the debris falling down from the sky. And that got me thinking, because God doesn’t punish me. Sometimes I expect a punishment, but the “punishment” is nothing more than the natural consequence of my own mistakes. I may not be turned into salt, but when I look at my own past, sometimes it brings salty tears, because I think what I am leaving behind is so good, and that God is asking me to forfeit too much. And then more tears as I wonder why I can’t just get myself together and appreciate what He’s given me: a whole new life! Lot’s wife was given the opportunity of a whole new life and she gave it up because she was too hung up on the people, the places, and memories of her past! If that’s not me, I really don’t know what is.
Jesus said, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.” (Luke 9:62). I know I am not fit for service in the kingdom of God. But God has been so gracious to me. He has not allowed me to turn into a pillar of salt, despite my failings. So, by His power, I will keep trying to give up the things that I have to give up, and to trust Him that there is nothing wasted when it comes to Him. I will keep trying to “pour out” the things in my life that are not godly or beneficial. I need His grace, and your prayers. Thank you to everyone who has been a part of this journey with me.
If you haven’t read the previous blogs, please read them as well! I know there is a wide range of people reading these blogs (Christians, non-Christians, family, friends, and strangers) but whoever you are, thank you for taking the time to read this. And please comment. I do like blogging but I don’t like the feeling of writing to no one, unsure if the effort is wasted and I could have just written in my own journal without editing my run-on sentences (not that I edit them all anyway, but…I’m calling it “style” :P).
Okay, that’s it for now! Next time I will update with some FAQs, so if you have a Q, please post it as a comment or message me!
