I haven’t written in a long time and it’s because my heart is breaking. I find it hardest to share what’s going on in my life when everything seems to be going wrong. My world seems to be unraveling and I’m equal parts terrified and curious. It is always in times like these that God shows up the biggest and loudest in my life. Everything seems hopeless and he swoops in and proves that he is the Knight in Shining Armor.
A few years ago, we found out that my dad’s sister has cancer. It’s been about two years of her fighting with the help of immunotherapy, radiation, and chemotherapy. She was hospitalized recently after several severe seizures and doctors now believe she is in her last days. My family is devastated, obviously, but more so because she has young kids. It’s a giant mess of a situation, and much too intimate to reveal to the whole world right now. But know the situation has my entire family (including extended family) shaken to our very cores.
We are asking questions like:
If God is good, why is he allowing this to happen?
God can do anything! Why won’t he miraculously heal her?
How on earth did we find ourselves here?
I’m preparing to leave my job; the job that has been both satisfying and challenging over the last few years. I’m leaving my entire community, my tribe. I’m cutting safety strings, digging up my roots, prying open my fists, and somewhat reluctantly offering it all to the Lord. It’s agony, really, thinking about leaving this place. I have grown immeasurably, failed spectacularly, and had incredible triumphs here. This place has been my home for most of my adult life and I’m scared who I’ll be when I finally step away.
My friends are dating, getting engaged, and getting married. I feel entirely left behind. Sometimes I feel angry that God has chosen me to go on a mission trip, instead of choosing a husband for me. Most days I love being single and the countless opportunities singleness affords me. Some days, it feels like a curse, a giant weight hung around my neck.
The future seems hazy and scary. I find myself close to tears nearly always. I feel selfish because part of me doesn’t want to go on the WR anymore, but the other part wishes I could leave immediately. I know distance won’t solve my problems, but it seems like it might be a nice reprieve from the heaviness of life.
Through it all, I know that God is good. He has everything under his control. He is attentive, omnipresent, and more than enough. Through it all, we will have the victory because Jesus won it for us once and for all on Calvary. Through it all, it is well.
