It’s strange to look back on your life with the keen eyes of hindsight. You see things you missed while you were on the journey. You roll your eyes or laugh at how you handled a situation. You sometimes wish you could have done things differently. You marvel at how far you’ve come, how much you’ve learned, and how small the space between seems now that time has elapsed.
This time last year, I was on vacation with my family in South Carolina. We were riding bikes everywhere we went, swimming every day, and eating cake by the ocean (literally!). I had taken time off from work and had completely unplugged. I wasn’t worried about missing anything, or wondering if they needed me back at work. I was fully tapped in to where I was. I was enjoying the time I had with my family and not worried at all about what the next day would hold, much less the next year.
Today, nothing is quite the same as it was a year ago, or even a month ago. I sit in the swallows of grief, trying to wade through emotions so big I don’t fully understand them. I mourn the loss of my aunt and my dog who both left earth much too soon. And even though my heart is shredded and bleeding actively, I sit in awe of God’s timing- that I was able to say goodbye to both of them and be with my family instead of being thousands of miles away dealing with it on my own. Losing them both so close to each other compounded the heartbreak, and assured that the last week of June will forever be somberly important.
Today, I also mourn the “loss” of my own life for the next year. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled to be going on the World Race. I LOVE my squad and am obsessed with my team, and I can’t wait for all God is going to do during the next 11 months.
Even though I’m pumped to go, I’m also sad to leave. By saying “yes” to God, and to this next year of adventure, challenge, and life change that He has for me, I’m saying “no” to my family, friends, career, and comfort. I’m saying no to a year’s worth of family movie nights, birthday parties, pizza nights, and cuddle sessions with my siblings and parents. I’m saying no to river days with my girls, game nights with my friends, and bible studies with my people. I’m saying no to furthering my career. I’m saying no to a comfy bed, air conditioning, hot water, and possibly recognizable food. I’m saying no to having control over my schedule, what I eat, and where and with whom I spend my time.
Saying no to all of that is more difficult than I can adequately express. But saying YES to God is easier than I ever imagined!
Even though it’s hard to let go of basically everything, trusting God with my future is a relief! He is far more able to plan than I am! He is going to do immeasurably more with the next 11 months than I could have squeezed out of them with a hydraulic press. Saying yes to God means walking in absolute comfort with the promise that I am living out God’s plan and purpose for my life. It means not having to worry about what will come next, because I’m God’s kid and He loves me, and He’s got this!
A year ago, I was soaking up the sun on a beach somewhere east of where I sit today, typing in the living room of my parents’ home. My mind was free of concern, unburdened and thinking only of the ocean gently lapping at my feet. Today, I sit in a (momentarily) quiet house with so many question marks in my future. I am not bound by fear, so I’m not scared. But I do feel the unease of the unknown. I am able to rest in the knowledge that God is good, and this is His trip.
I have a lot to shove into a backpack; a year’s worth of life to condense into a carryable (don’t look it up…I just made it up right now) parcel. I have a trillion people to hug and kiss goodbye, leaving and gaining guarantees that we’ll still like each other in a year. I have a big ol’ “YES” to still say- actually putting myself on the plane to India, where I will be in less than a month.
Over the next few weeks, please join me in prayer. Pray that God will continue to show up big in my life, both in providing funds for this trip, and being the sole comfort that I need in such a strange season. Pray that my friends and family will look to God for comfort when they miss me, or wish I was with them. Pray for health, safety, and unity of my squad as we begin month 1 of our new ministry (and also that all 49 of us actually get on that first plane!) Pray for yourselves as my beloved people and supporters!
I cherish your prayers and need them greatly! Thank you for being my HOME TEAM! I am so thankful for you!
