I’m going to give forewarning: this blog may be all over the place. A few big things have happened in the last few weeks and I’m still processing all of it.
Two weekends ago I had the opportunity to attend a women’s retreat with my home church. One of my dearest friends, Rebecca, is the women’s ministry director and was the keynote speaker for the retreat, so needless to say I was more than a little excited! To make it just that much more enticing, it was held at the camp where I work. I showed up on Thursday ready to retreat and pumped to hear the messages, worship with other women, and hang out at my favorite place.
The retreat was exactly what I needed. The messages were full of wisdom and humor and the worship was powerful and emotional. I won’t be able to give the retreat its due in this blog, because even now I’m still processing. What I can say is this: my heart is so full. It was with my girls at my place. I can’t describe the perfect symmetry of the retreat being just before my last week working at my favorite place on earth with some of my favorite people on earth. How good is God that he gave this to me?
I went into my last week of work, feeing charged up and ready to pass the baton to my successor. I was ready to dig into relationships, even though it felt impossible, and finish well. The first few days flew by and before I knew it, I was crawling into bed Thursday night.
As I lay in bed that night, emotions too numerous to count flooded me. Anxiety- I don’t want to fall asleep because the day will be here too soon. Sadness- I don’t want to leave my place or my people. Relief- I get to rest this summer before heading off on God’s great adventure for me. Nostalgia- best 4 years ever. And hardest. And longest. And shortest! And fear- who am I without this place? What happens when I leave. What if I can’t do what God is asking me to do?
I wrestled with these emotions, scared of what the next days, weeks, and months would bring. It was in those emotionally fragile moments that God reminded me of the truth spoken at church that Sunday. God doesn’t really care about our comfort, he cares about our souls, our obedience, our heart conditions. God doesn’t want anything to become an idol in our lives, even good things: our jobs, relationships, activities, our churches, and even our identities. God wants us. EVERY bit of us. And if that means he has to strip all the other stuff away until it’s just us, he absolutely will. It’s not unkind or unfeeling. It’s the opposite in fact. It’s the kindest most beautiful thing he can do for us. Because at the end of the day, we should love our savior more than anything else.
I realized that by trying to hold onto my job, or Camp, or my identity in my role there, I was attempting to make an idol. God was kind to show that to me, so that I could face him with an open heart and open hands. Even though leaving the world I’d known for so many years felt impossibly hard, what God has for me next will prove to be just as great! Even though I was overwhelmed with doubts, fears, and the looming uncertainty of the immediate future, God gave me peace and security in the fact that he has the victory over everything and loves and chooses me.
So I went into that Friday, that last day of work, with courage and a full heart. The day was exactly as I imagined- hard, for sure, but also beautiful and complete. There was a lunch for me and so many friends, who feel like family, came to celebrate and wish me well. The day felt long and short, good and hard, beautiful and heart breaking, all in the same second.
I have finished this leg of the race. I have given everything I can give to this incredible ministry and to the people I love so dearly. I don’t know if I’ll ever return in a “work” capacity, but this place will forever have a piece of my heart, be part of my story, and will always be my home.
To my T Bar M Family: Wow, there aren’t words enough for how grateful and blessed I am to have worked alongside you these last few years. You have encouraged me, sharpened me, prayed for me, challenged me, and loved me so well. As you go into the summer, know that I am praying hard for you! I am praying you are filled to the brim with God’s love, that every single camper spot fills up, and that you run this summer (race) with endurance. God is good (all the time!) and I thank him every day for each one of you! Thank you for everything, I love you with my whole heart!
