I hardly cry at funerals.
Both of my grandparents died before I even started forming memories…others who passed away were distant relatives. So, I guess it’s safe to say I don’t really understand death to it’s fullest concept yet – somewhat grateful of that.
If you know anything about me (or even if you don’t). You know that I absolutely with every fiber of my being love, adore, am obsessed, and would take my dog anywhere. Yes, I said my dog. This little puppy who accidentally ended up in my life in college, stuck around through some of the biggest, most monumental moments of my life. Literally, this dog has been through SO MUCH with me (keyword: she was there for it all). Right before I left for the race, she slipped her disc into her spinal cord, causing an almost paralyzed dog. By the miracle of God and an amazing vet, she came out of it and has been running like a spaz jack russell ever since.
Three weeks ago, it slipped again. It’s been a downhill slope ever since and with an extremely long story short..I had to put my 6 year old young puppy to sleep last Tuesday. For three weeks, I prayed healing over this dog. For three weeks, even my friends would pray for her. For three weeks, I told myself with confidence she would get better. For three weeks, nothing worked. For three weeks, she only got in more pain. For three weeks, I asked God to not put me in this position of having to kill something that I love. For three weeks, I asked God to take her in her sleep.
On Tuesday, I received a phone call from the vet saying the chances were extremely slim and I knew what that all meant. I felt all of the air come out of me once I got off the phone. As if someone punched me and I couldn’t catch up with myself. I wanted to vomit. I actually wanted to vomit and I’m almost sure I’ve never cried like this in my life. I won’t go through all the details of the day, but I do want to share something..
“She might be only part of your life, for her, you are her everything, the only person in her whole life.”
We are God’s everything. We are the only person in His whole entire life. We’re only letting Him be ‘part’ of our lives…
I know why I hardly cry at funerals. I have huge walls that guard my heart and those distant relatives remind exactly that….’distant’. I know this all might sound ridiculous – that I’m this torn up for a dog, but it’s reality. I let something into my life, walls down, I let something not just become ‘part’ of my life…but an extremely large portion.
At the end of the day, when it’s all said and done. I want to be able to look at my relationships and know that this bricked up heart of mine at least is making bridges over the moats. That the walls are coming down. And at the end of the day – I want to know that God isn’t just a part of my life, but everything.
