Nine year old Isaac sits beside me watching television. His Uncle Moses is our interpreter for the month and Isaac hangs out with us, walking door to door, eating, and doing all the little things that a daily routine consists of for us. Isaac is the cutest little nine year old boy and he is one of the most loving, quiet, and graceful boys I have ever met. I see where he gets it from. His Uncle Moses has brought us everywhere and has been a saving grace for us, letting us know the true story of the place we are staying in, about the people we live with and around, and despite circumstances that life brought him, he is one of the most patient and nice human beings. I have never seen Moses get angry or mad at us since being here. I know for a fact that Isaac looks up to his uncle because he spends most of his time here.
Isaac’s home life is not bad and his parents are not bad people. They actually have a home in East Rwanda, but they don’t live there anymore because they rented the home out to someone who really needed it. His dad left them for a job in another part of the country so that he could provide better for his family. Isaac has two younger sisters and his mom couldn’t stay in their home in East Rwanda because she had a baby on the way, so his mom moved in with his grandma and grandpa, who are not so thrilled with him being around. They have him work for them and walk around getting groceries, back and forth, back and forth, all day long. He barely has time to be a kid, so he will oftentimes seek refuge with Moses and Papa (also named Bishop Peter).
Moses has told me that Isaac feels good when he is in a home like the one we are a part of this month in Rwanda. Where we don’t have to worry about where our next meal is coming from, where Moses’s kids laugh, sing, play, and show each other love and care like a family should. Isaac has time to be a kid, to watch television, and He is always smiling, giggling, and running to hug me when we are both standing. Isaac is the boy who holds my hand without question when we are walking door to door, and he even walked with us as we went to get Moto’s to head out on our off day adventure. Every time I am the one leaving, my heart aches a little inside; every time I come back, I am greeted with the strongest 9 year old hug I have ever encountered.
Isaac has taught me a whole lot about what it means to be a patient and loving person. Moses’s family has taught me a lot about what it means to be a good family and member of the family. It certainly doesn’t mean that they are perfect, because if we’re talking real, every family has its flaws and shortcomings. Moses’s girls, Sheila and Sondra, remind me a lot of the relationship me and my sister have back at home. Complete opposites, always fighting, one is quiet, one is loud and the life of the party, etc… But at the end of the day, they still love each other and care about one another. Moses has told me loads of times that Isaac does miss being away from his parents, but the desire to be a kid and laugh and feel like a part of a real family is higher for him than being at home and working all the time.
Isaac’s story has taught me that I really am blessed to have the family I do back at home. I was born into a pretty awesome family. They never kept me in the same place and we always vacationed together, which is mostly what inspired my entire love of travel to and from different places I like to call home. Even if we don’t necessarily share the same views and faith in Jesus and God, I was never left because of troubles with money or what have you. I actually never had to worry about a thing because it was always provided for me, and love was always the center, even if it was sometimes tough love. I have a mom who cares about me and probably worries about me every day I am gone on the World Race… But she supports me and wants to see me succeed at this dream I’ve had since before I can even remember. I have a dad that probably does the exact same thing… And even though he knows that I am not in the most safe places of the world, he also desires the same, to see me happy and living the type of life I want to live… And man, my sister. She slaps me in the face (metaphorically) sometimes. The lessons I am learning this month are lessons she’s been trying to get into my thick head for years and years, it just took leaving for me to finally figure it out.
And family, for that, I am so, so sorry. I am sorry I never took the time to come out and greet you when you came home from work or school. I am sorry that I never took the time to really check in and see how you were truly doing. I am sorry I wasted years inside four walls when I could have been living into the home I was born in, even when my faith did become a huge part of my life. I’m sorry I didn’t communicate how much more I loved you and I’m sorry I always left for something I thought was better because it seemed “godlike.” If anything, I am sorry that I have not lived out the faith I claim to live with you around and I am sorry I was not that example that Christ calls me to be… I am stubborn and difficult sometimes, and most of the time, that’s the side of me that you see. And that’s pretty darn awful.
To everyone else who’s reading and confused because you’ve always seen my “good side” or the side that “has that servants heart…” Man, I wish I could tell you I was lying. I wish I could tell you that I have always been good to my family in the way you have seen me be good to you. I wish I could tell you that I am always “on it” around my family and giving as generously to them as I am giving to you. But I can’t. Because if we get to the heart of it, I’ve been the most selfish person around my family and they don’t deserve that. They deserve to see the Ashley that hops on dishes because no one else has or just because the sink looks dirty. They deserve to see the Ashley that buys Nutella and doesn’t really want to share with her team, but does it anyway because that’s what Jesus would do. They deserve to see the Ashley that sits down with her friends and talks with them for hours on end about how THEIR life is going instead of always talking about her life. And as hard and difficult and uncomfortable this would be for me, they also deserve to see the Ashley that raises her hands in worship because she loves God and Jesus her savior. They deserve the Ashley that thinks every night before she goes to sleep “hey, I actually really miss you, this is harder than I expected it to be, and sometimes all I want is a hug from mom when I miss home.”
Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade where I am for one second. I’m in freaking Africa, for God’s sake! (Literally). I asked for this and God made a way. This is the best adventure I’ve been on so far in my entire life, and while it brings its hardships and lessons, the lessons I am learning far outweigh the hardships. For example, sometimes you literally just want a salad and a bowl of cheese and chicken, and to not have your hair fall out in clumps when you bucket shower because your diet is so different from home. But it’s okay, because every time Isaac runs to hold my hands or we’re in a late afternoon tickling match, the hardships and the miles separating me from home don’t seem as long and hard. The joy and fulfillment I get in knowing that I am exactly where God needs and wants me to be right now makes everything worth it. Even though I might be struggling financially in fundraising, I have complete faith that God is going to provide each and every last penny for me to stay here. He got me here and I know for a fact that He didn’t just bring me here to send me home. He has been teaching me so much about what it means to look in and really see what living out my faith and identity in God look like. Especially around family. As with all things, it takes time, and this journey is worth every single second.
And it’s Our Journey, God, it’s Ours.
