Have you ever felt a deep unrest in the middle of your heart so strong it effected the way you lived? Have you ever seen people with an immense amount of joy and warmth in their hearts and not know where it comes from? Have you seen Radical-for-Jesus-180-Degree-Changes in people, chains broken with complete abandonment? Have you ever doubted you could get to that point?
I have.
And when I saw those individuals come back from trips closely similar to the one I have been accepted into, I wanted It. When I first saw the joy of Christ in the people who introduced Him back into my life about four years ago now, I wanted that joy, craved for it. And even though four years has gone by and I am no where near the same individual I was four years ago.
I still want that joy, that peace, and that 180 degree, chains broken change in my heart.
I have only ever felt it once, and that was when I left the country for the first time for a week last March. Every moment leading up to the trip was a bout of unrest, I just wanted to leave and serve and see what God wanted to teach me, because I yearned for God’s heart going into the trip and I wanted to leave with more of His heart instilled in my own. And as I was feeling unrest leading up to the trip, all I could think about was that “something more.” Something beyond a week. See, I’ve always loved traveling. It’s always been a dream of mine to do something like The World Race. And I’ve always believed that God desires to work with us on the desires of our hearts, no matter how large or small those desires may be. So leading up to my trip to Honduras, I began to pray for: 1. God to prepare my heart for this week-long trip, and 2. If there was something long-term on the horizon, beyond the week-long trip, I asked Him to make it obvious.
Here’s a rule of thumb, be careful what you ask of God, because He will deliver it to you. Which is both scary, exciting, crazy, and exhilarating.
Every message I heard after that prayer seemed to be about “going” out there, following the call Jesus has put on your life. I still doubted, though. I met God in our school’s small prayer chapel, crying out to Him for one last time about this specific thing. “Make it obvious,” I asked “Give me something.” And that’s when I flipped to Matthew, read anywhere, and noticed a reference letter for the first time ever. It brought me to the bottom of the page, directing me to Isaiah 42:6-9.
“I, the Lord, have called you in righteousness; I will take hold of your hand. I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people and a light to the Gentiles, to open eyes that are blind, to free captives from prison and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness. I am the Lord, that is my name! I will not give my glory to another or my praise to idols. See, the former things have taken place, and new things I declare, before they spring into being, I announce them to you.”
So there it was. The Promise on the Call I had been feeling from God to go, travel, and use that love of traveling (and maybe writing, too) to serve others.
About a month and a half later, I left for Honduras
And I touched foot on foreign soil for the first time ever.
And that peace that transcends all understanding washed over me as the heat hit my face, the sun welcoming me in like an old friend.
And despite all the baggage that I had been carrying with me at the time, despite differences between team members and I, despite the language barrier, despite all of my short-comings – God met me there, showed me just a small glimpse of His love, and that peace never left my heart until I got used to the normal way of life back at school.
There were a lot of moments in Honduras that made me realize this was something I wanted to do. I could paint you many pictures with my words, but I will write you one picture. It was our last night in Honduras and a couple team members and I had left early for the Jesus Film showing, in order to get some of the people who had expressed interest in coming earlier that day during evangelism. As we left, moments from the day and earlier in the week flashed before my eyes… Watching a boy filled with anger come to Christ and see the joy of Christ radiating from his face… Holding Nina with her head nuzzled into my neck; she always wanted a piggy back ride, showing me that something as small as my hips do, in fact, have a purpose… And the girl named Ashley, playing soccer with her, smiling and joking around, allowing her to touch my hair and teaching her how to braid it, too.
Jason, our ministry leader for the week, drove the truck while we stood in the bed the entire way to Santa Marta. The sun was setting over the sugar cane and we were flying 60 miles down the highway. My hair was flying and while holding on for dear life, I managed to look around and take in the beauty of the moment. It was in that moment of pure joy, happiness, and adrenaline that the small whisper came to my heart: “Life could be like this, join Me.“
The fire was ignited that week.
And yet, I still came back and fell into the same routines the states and college-life had to offer. I eventually lost the joy I had found through the individuals I had met in Honduras and all I wanted was to go back. It was the hardest transition I have ever had to go through in my life so far. But I still found ways to move forward, keeping the important lessons I learned inside my heart.
And finally:
Recently, I have been bombarded with questions of what I’m doing next. It’s every college senior’s dreaded question. It comes with good intentions, but this past fall, I dreaded hearing it and I evaded it like the plague. I was just trying to live into every last, and living into every last involved running Cross Country for the first time ever, being in a musical, and doing a lot of procrastinating on the homework I needed to get done… All the while wondering and avoiding where I was going to go next once the inevitable Graduation from College came.
And then the World Race reading-blogs-of-those-who-were-brave-enough-to-apply binge happened. And I dreamed, but found every reason not to apply (too much money, what about loans?, there is no way my parents would let me, everyone will think I’m crazy [maybe I am?], leaving for a year to travel is too much).
And yet, all I wanted to do was experience the world and help those in need because helping people out, listening to them, and simply being there, is what fills my heart more than anything I will ever do in this life. Friends told me money and worldly worries shouldn’t matter when making a decision based on a promise or Call God has placed upon my heart.
So I applied once I got back to school, after Thanksgiving break and after weeks of talking and persuading from various friends and weighing the pros and cons inside my head. It was after I had done the initial online interview that God, again, spoke to me about being with me through everything, showing me in the most out-of-body-experience I have ever had with Him, that He wanted to carry me away form sin and brokenness, and that He would walk beside me no matter what happened.
It was in chapel. I had blanked out thinking about what would happen if Jesus came back while I was committing what I consider to be the largest sin in my own life. I imagined myself there and He appeared in front of me in white, looking down on me with understanding eyes and He reached out His hand to me, smiling. I reached out for His hand and as soon as I had, I was propelled back into the chapel where I was sitting and thinking “what the heck just happened?”
Jesus gave me that moment to show me that I am capable of walking away from sin at any moment. That I should take the invitation to walk alongside Him… Both away from the sin in my life and stepping forward in trust on this journey He has set before me.
The World Race is my leap of faith, and the moments leading up to this are why I have decided to take this road. I hope to be able to find freedom on this journey, and I hope to be able to trust more in God and His provision on my life.
It is such a narrow road of uncertainty and unknown outcomes.
I feel like I’ve decided to run this road with rocks and pot holes that are bound to make me trip and fall every now and then, but the thing about tripping and falling is that Jesus is always there to pick us up and He is always faithful. I’ve never put trust in Him like this, especially for something as big as this. It’s going to be a huge test to my faith in the coming year, but I am excited to see what’s going to happen on this road leading up to and specifically on The Race.
I feel ready to let Jesus take this map and lead me wherever He wants me to go.
Thanks for reading, if you made it this far! :]
All my Love,
-A
PS. Next up: Fundraising details, feelings about it, ideas, and the like!
