In the twisty roads of Gainesville with the sun rising each morning and setting each evening, I find myself dreaming of the going again. Gainesville is so reminiscent of old places in my life. The random-middle-of-no-where gas stations, trees, mountains, and random lakes. It’s absolutely beautiful. The Lord has been meeting me here through reminding me of my deep roots, where I come from, and whispering that He is there just as much as He is here. In the same way He was in the nations, He was moving and doing things here in the United States, here at Adventures in Missions, and also in my heart. But this past year was just a small portion of the bigger picture of what’s actually going on and like you, I am human and need help in times of hard transition.
Here’s the lowdown of what I am gathering from the Lord during my time here at Project Searchlight: I am not a World Racer. I am not even a writer or singer or anything else I’ve found my identity in doing over the years. I was only a World Racer because the Lord brought me on a journey to show me more of His heart and love for other people and for me. God is actually the one doing all the things, but He happened to choose me as His vessel to go because He gave me the unique gift of writing words and connecting with others through that deeply – ultimately inspiring people at home to wake up and take action, too.
During one of our worship sessions on Wednesday, I was tested in obedience. We were singing one of my favorite worship songs called “King of my Heart” and I felt the need to go outside and scream “you are good!” at the top of my lungs while running down this huge hill and into the parking lot. I ignored the feeling thinking that I’d look foolish just running down a hill by myself with my arms stretched. But then my heart started burning and I knew I had to step forward and just do it. I stepped outside, walked left, and began running, screaming “you are good! I am yours! I am not a world racer, but I am your daughter, precious and beautiful, and worthy of being here in your presence!” I began to smile wide. When I walked back up the hill, I realized these are all things that had been mentioned in my prophecy time the day prior – things I was told I should just begin walking in. When I stepped back in the room full of people worshipping, it felt like a weight had been physically lifted from my shoulders. It was the weight I held in being a World Racer. But it didn’t matter anymore once I stepped back inside because I was and am His.
Moving forward into afternoon worship, I was expectant for the Lord to show up again. I’ve been wearing this ring I bought at our final debrief in Nicaragua, a knockoff of the World Race Go Ring that signifies the eleven countries and seven team mates you do life with for the year. The first day of Searchlight, I felt the Lord telling me to take it off and leave it off. But I didn’t do it because I wanted to hold so tightly to it. Finally, during the afternoon worship on that same day, I heard the whisper again and I took the ring off, walking outside. I threw it somewhere where I wouldn’t be able to find it again and walked back inside with a sincere peace that could only come from the Lord.
In the midst of the chaos and pain of being removed from something I have deeply enjoyed and loved doing, I have been wondering still: What could possibly be next for me? I want and desire the next thing to be “awesome” and flashy. In my human nature, it’s easy for me to watch my friends find or be offered really cool opportunities that are right up their alley and then feel like I’m not going anywhere because I’m not doing the next best thing in the timing I “should be.” The Lord has been so good in reminding me this week that the World Race or any opportunity I grab hold of in the future is not a separate journey from the rest of what I’m walking out in my life. It’s continual. The World Race started, but it was really only meant to be a season in my life that would help me maneuver through it in intimacy with the Lord and with other people. He calls us to run the race of life with endurance, but I am His Daughter and my identity is not found in what I did yesterday or what I am doing in the future – it is found in where He is right now, today. The lighthouse in a storm, my compass pointing north when I’ve gone away, and right by my side every moment saying “Child – peace – I am here.”
Maybe the Lord wants you to go home, maybe He wants you to take hold of opportunities that AIM has to offer after the World Race is over. Maybe He wants you to come to Project Searchlight to give Him more space in the in-between. I hope He leads you to Searchlight, because He is a faithful and good Dad and He will meet you here if you come expectant for His leading and are open to the freedom He desires for you in whatever season awaits.
