I know God has wanted me to write about this since before I’ve even been accepted into the Race. I thought it was something I could just put off until I was on the Race, so I wouldn’t have to face my family, so I wouldn’t have to face the people I feel closest with, face my sin head on, and face my story just hanging out there for all to see. Different people who I’ve talked to one-on-one about this struggle and my squad just knowing about it is one thing. But writing about it while I’m out on the Race compared to sharing it now? Sharing it now, when I can be faced with questions, no answers as to why this started, and possible condemnation? Will they look at me differently? Will they judge or condemn me?
No, not now, God.
The first time I shared with a friend about something I was ashamed about was last year. I remember the fear, the trembling, the questions and voices inside of my head, telling me that I would be looked at differently, that I would be rejected, that I would somehow be less in the eyes of others because of This Sin.
I sat with my friend on the floor, in the dark, uncontrollably crying, chained down by fear on a Wednesday night during last spring semester, the weight of sin in the air and tangibly on my shoulders. After a LOT of comforting in the fact that she wouldn’t look at me any differently or condemn me, I finally let it go and told her it. Once I did, it got a little easier to share with groups, but part of me was and is still holding onto shame about it.
It’s not drugs or alcohol, (even though I had my days where I experimented my first year in college). It’s not even about having sex.
So, what is this it we are talking about? Right? It’s not that easy to explain because it’s something that is constantly swept under the rug, consistently pushed aside inside the church (as easily as sex, drugs, and alcohol is). It’s a story that is not told by me very often because of the fear, trembling, and judgement it may cause…
Because how can a girl that has struggled and is still actively struggling with that still go out and proclaim that she loves Jesus with all her heart? How can a girl that struggles with that still be washed clean at the end of each day? How can a girl that struggles with that go and tell people the good news?
I don’t know. It’s not sex, but it sure alludes to sex.
Here’s the lowdown: I’ve always wanted a boyfriend, but have never had one yet (and thank God, because I don’t think my heart could handle that sort of vulnerability, pain, and mending the amount of times I’ve seen it happen with friends and even family members). A lot of people probably look at me and think “Well, there’s no way she’s struggled with this because she’s never had that temptation at her disposal with another person.”
Here’s the thing, though, I have been tempted in that way and the temptation is almost always at my disposal, even if it’s not with another person. Society tends to think that sexual pleasure is just a “guy problem.”
But it’s not. It’s a girl problem, too.
Because I’ve been there. I’ve been there for almost five years now. I’ve been there before I committed my life to Christ again.
While I have gained tools to control it better and my relationship with God has become stronger over the years, it doesn’t mean the temptation is no longer there. It doesn’t mean that I don’t slip up sometimes. Because I do.
I’m only human and I’m not perfect, after all.
Despite this garbage that I allowed into my life as a way to compensate for pain or whatever it is that may have caused this desire in me to want to be pleased sexually (and don’t get me wrong, I acknowledge that it’s a natural human tendency, but in my opinion, sexual pleasure is only meant for two people within wedlock); despite all that, I have come to know a very, crazy, beautiful thing about Jesus over the years through this pain, sin, and remorse:
Jesus still sees me (and you) as wholly and dearly loved. Even when I am crying and on the ground sobbing, searching for love out of worldly pleasure… Jesus paid it all on the cross. While my sin left a crimson stain on his head, while my own selfish sin nailed a sinless man on the cross, He still washes me white as snow. He still chooses to see me with new eyes and He still chooses to pick me up and say “Ashley, my beloved, I see your heart, I see your pain, give it all to me and we will go.”
That is grace.
There’s this story in Luke about the sinful woman. Jesus visits Simon and this woman comes when she hears about it. As soon as she sees Jesus, she can’t help but kiss his feet and wash them with what she has. The Pharisee’s are judgmental, wondering if Jesus knows who He’s interacting with. Jesus knows, friends, He knows. Which is why we can’t cover our sins.
Hard things like this demand to be told, demand to be felt, and demand to be brought into light so that Jesus can work with it, so that He can begin healing.
Jesus has spoken many things to me, but one thing I am so sure He has spoken to me about through a clear and tangible vision I had of Him – is the promise that I will one day be free of this sin, be free of this shame… As soon as I decide to reach out and take His hand, and follow Him out.
“Jesus said to the woman, ‘Your faith has saved you; go in peace.’”
Sin can break us, but only Jesus has the power to build up with things that are admittedly broken and ready to be fixed and refined. That is beyond powerful. I am broken. I am ready.
Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe,
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.
All my Love,
Ashley
P.S. This song has gotten me through some of the hardest nights, I think of it as Jesus’s message to those of us who are struggling with sin like this, or with any sin in general.
