After coming out of Month 4 Debrief a few things will stick with me for the remainder of my Race and hopefully long into my future and this blog is just a sliver of a glimpse into what I am learning 4.5 months into the Race now:
1) The issue of my value is settled at the cross.
2) The most attractive people are the people who are solidified in their identity in Christ, they know who they are and don’t hide their light.
3) I need to find my satisfaction in Christ before I find my satisfaction in anything else.
1) The Issue of my Value is Settled at The Cross
This is something I heard every day at debrief in one way or another. There was a morning where one of my Squad Mates did a devotional about self-worth and had people get up in front of a mirror, affirming things the Lord has spoken about them or things they believe about themselves. It makes me uncomfortable to do stuff like that. But I did it. The truth is that none of the people listening need to believe the stuff I’ve said about myself. I need to stand in the truth that God believes it about me… One thing He challenged me with is to think about whether or not the things I said into the mirror are things I honestly believe about myself… And if they aren’t, why? God told me that I am worthy of knowing and walking in the freedom that truth brings.
2) The most attractive people are the people solidified in their identity in Christ, and they are people who don’t hide their light.
It’s sickening to me how long I’ve hidden my light even after fleeting moments of knowing what it feels like to walk in that freedom light brings. I learned that this light is mostly a heart thing. The people in my life who I have found most attractive are the people who I am certain have a heart not only for Christ, but a heart that truly desires to see His Kingdom come wherever they are planted. They shine a light that is their own, rooted deep in their identity, they shine a light that is His and they do life with a zest I love seeing. I love life and people just as much, but I’m still figuring out the identity part. The part that shines best and how I portray my best, if that makes sense.
3) Satisfaction in Christ
It’s something that I have been thinking about since India, since I began to realize that I have this mentality of “if I just get there, then…” Truth is, I’m not going to “have arrived” anywhere until the end of my time here on this earth. Truth is, the things that I often feel I need to “get to” actually distract me from Christ more than they bring me closer to Him… So the natural question I personally always ask myself is “what do I do?” Even that is a skewed mindset that I have because actually, I don’t “have” to do anything to gain His love or attention. He already sees me just as I am and loves me in it. He has already invited me, I just need to walk forward in the satisfaction that this realization brings.
This is the season I’m currently walking into as I figure out and live life with a new team. I’m going to unpack this a little:
How badly do I want Christ?
A whole lot.
How badly do I want to understand His heart for me, just as I am?
A whole lot.
How badly do I want to be able to shine His light by simply being just as I am?
A whole lot.
How badly do I want others to also know Him? A lot.
Is my “why?” Him?
It all comes down to the answer to that “why?” question and if He really is that “why?”
It’s in Him where our hearts are transformed and yes, I came on this thing to see God work in some mighty ways and to help Him in His kingdom work, but a bigger part of why I believe He has called me here is to transform my heart utterly, wholly, and completely, to teach me how to have more of that kingdom mindset on a daily basis no matter my location on this earth.
So my public confession now is that I need prayer and a whole lot of it. I am stepping into a really tough season of heart transforming work, a season that will call me to eventually lay down most of my possessions, my idols, my money (spending, giving, receiving, etc…), my expectations, my grudges, my lack of forgiveness in those who have hurt me… And pick up my trust in Him, forgiveness in those who have hurt me; picking up difficult spiritual disciplines that will call me into deeper intimacy with Him (like fasting a meal each day alongside fasting social media). I am stepping into a season of utter satisfaction in Him and nothing else – realigning my heart to be aligned with Him now that there is no end-goal to achieve (like becoming fully funded), nothing to reach toward BUT HIM. And that’s totally okay, because all I needed to reach toward was Him in the first place and my feeble mind couldn’t wrap itself around that truth because of my “if, then” mentality.
Sounds radical, right? Well, I didn’t come here to just have a little trip around the world and adventure. I prayed for a challenge before Training Camp and six months later, here I am. I came here to be transformed and I came here to be in one commune with our God no matter where He takes me. If my intentions were fuzzy a year ago or even six months ago (because sometimes I think they were a little fuzzy even to me sometimes), then I can now rest in the fact that my intentions were pure, I just didn’t know how to place them into words. I’m a radical girl, and there’s no way I can go back now. I have been lead into a really cool adventure, but the adventure didn’t happen to me, I happened to the adventure, and there is no chance that I will let it slip through the cracks of my fingers any longer.
Because I want it. I want Him. And I want nothing more than my satisfaction to be completely and utterly in Him. And I want it to shine out of me to the point where it’s spilling over and can’t stop, where I am in such commune with Him that there is not a worry on this earth that He will provide for my every need. That I am walking in such alignment with Him that it just radiates in my being. It’s not an “if, then” thing, it’s an “I’m right here and the actual process to get there is where it’s at” thing.
So that’s the update! If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to email me and ask further questions!
Coming to you from Nepal, the Land of Roofs and Beautiful Holes in the Walls,
~Ash
