It’s the point I never wanted to reach. I didn’t think it would come month five. I thought I was strong enough to make it to month 7, or 8 at the most. Funny, because God always has other plans. He wanted to break me on His timeline… Not mine. Oh, the sass!
The cold weather, the stuffy nose, the sore throat, the nasty cough that’s been running rampant. The steepest hill I have ever seen in my life… You expect me to climb that? Yeah, okay God, you’re hilarious. Minutes later I find myself climbing, hunched over, my pack too heavy to bear. What the heck have I been carrying around all this time? Is it really that necessary?? Not to mention, I left half my essential stuff back in Kathmandu (so showering was basically like, freeze or nothing). Grand idea, Ashley.
Confidence shot, I’m out of breath, I’m scared of falling because all there is is the side of the mountain and nothing to catch me on the other side… Everyone knows my track record of falling… If I fall, there’s absolutely no return. I can’t do it. Dying seems like the better option at this point (not really). The hot and steamy tears begin to roll down my cheeks… And even as hands are helping me up, the tears don’t stop, and all I want is my sunglasses, because that will cover up the entire bag of shame and ugly trolls inside telling me “this is what you thought the entire Race would be like and you CAN’T do it.”
Lovely. Thanks (not). From then on, my heart wasn’t in it. (Please take note of sarcasm) Ministry is a girl’s best friend – Manual Labor… What the heck made me think that I could possibly do The World Race? Too many emotions, too many feels, too much change. I can’t. It’s the point where the comfort of bed, home, and all things that are of home, for me, seem so much better than this… And yet, my heart still desires to be “all here, all in.”
And I am. I am here. I’m in freaking Kathmandu, Nepal; to jet off to Cambodia in less than 24 hours… That’s a blessing of the Lord right there: That I even get to be here.
After what I’ve been through this month emotionally and physically and after getting to the end of my rope, I’d say that the fact that I’m still living and breathing here in life is pretty damn awesome. I’m learning that God brings us to these places to help us see that it’s not all about us, but more about Him (check out my last blog called Ordinary Extra and you’ll get a full picture of what I mean by that if you’re interested in knowing more). Like, yeah, we’re Somewhere in the World, and yeah, we can do things by our own strength, but ultimately, when we get to that place of “don’t” or think we “can’t,” the still, small whisper and voice of God says that we CAN, but not because of our own strength.
It is only Him.
Ultimately, there is nothing else.
It’s pretty cool, beautiful, and amazing that I, me, you, we exist. Yep, I’ve met my breaking point, I’ve met the point where I realize I physically cannot do the thing. But you know who CAN do the thing? God. And that’s the only constant I know. If He’s doing the thing through me and chose me to do the thing with Him, then all I truly want is to press in and know His heart more, because if I know His heart and get to know Him even more, then there is room for Him to rebuild and mold me more into the beautiful creation He built me to be.
He broke me like a beautiful new cup made out of pottery this month. There is room for Him to move throughout the cracks laying all over the floor now. There is room when I’m scared to fall, for Him to catch me every time. There is room to accept that I am not okay and cry my eyes out with Him when I’m alone. There is room for Him to comfort me. There is room to look up, and He is always watching, leading.
Knowing He is always there comforts me in the moment, but it doesn’t stop me from realizing that this month was the breaking point. I only have to move forward from here. No looking back. Now He simply has the the room to build me up in faith when things get harder. What I mean by build me up is continually showing me that it’s not my strength that will get me through times when it is difficult, but it’s His.
And so, that’s Nepal.
Cambodia, bring it on.
Sending Love,
~Ash
