The lights were on. Perfectly bright. Our Squad Coach was speaking that night and he was mostly speaking about freedom from the things that bind and chain us down. At one point, he spoke about darkness and the lights completely went out throughout the entire hostel. We all began to laugh and turn our flashlights on. The minute he said “light” they turned back on and everyone cheered.
It’s a moment where you sit and think “there is no way that happened as perfectly as it did.” As everyone was freaking out about the lights turning on and off in the perfect time, I sat in my chair smiling and going as nuts as everyone around me, but I said “there is absolutely no freaking way that happened perfectly.” I sat in unbelief as my squad mates around me sat in belief that the Holy Spirit was present and alive in the room. Rich assured us the next morning that the lights going on and off in perfect timing that night was not planned or rigged in any way.
I needed that moment. Not just to experience something as crazy and nuts as the Holy Spirit in a tangible way, but to realize how little belief and trust I really have in the savior I claim to know. As my readers, you didn’t really get the entire picture of what I was truly struggling with during Month 1. The thing about writing for me is that I can write ideas down, but I will never really let the words and truth I write take true root in my own heart. I don’t see the potential I have. I have a tendency to sit in a corner and in the background because the “background worker” is something that has been spoken over me in my life and I have let it take root into something very negative in my own mind.
Over the years, I have let the judgments of other people tie me down and hurt me. I have let what other people tell me take root rather than what God says about all of us in the Bible. I have let rejection scar me and keep me down rather than embracing love and acceptance from the people who extend that to me in a very real and tangible way. I have always kept people at a distance because I am afraid they will reject me and hurt me like I have been so many times before by people I let in. Rejection is the root of my mind’s issues and the reason why my head is a battlefield. Fighting.
It’s nothing about what I can do for Him, it’s everything about what He did for all of us. God has already won the victory. Satan has no place. God wins. Our king is the victor over the ruins and He makes things new. Ruin has the capacity to be restored, healed and repaired. I’ve believed for too long that I am broken beyond repair when the victory has already been won. I have already been pieced back together. He washed away my sin and gave me forgiveness. Yes, me! Washing me clean in the pool of His blood from the cross. It’s not about me, it’s not about what I do, but everything about how we keep our eyes fixed on knowing Him and believing in what He did for us. I have a tough time keeping my eyes fixed there because so many things are grabbing my attention left and right.
Rich took us out in the pouring rain with small rocks to throw in the lake. We were asked to go into the night with an open heart and hands to the word God had for us as individuals. We were asked to pray about what the Holy Spirit had for us to let go of and rejection was my word. Our squad huddled together, singing “Praise you in this Storm” by Casting Crowns and then got with our teams. Our squad threw rocks in the water and screamed, delighting in freedom at the rain, thunder, and lightning. Stomping Satan to the ground. The storm raging on around us didn’t stop us from declaring freedom from bondage.
Rejection has no place in my life. I am a loved daughter of the God of this universe and I could not be more excited to be doing this adventure with Him. I have let go of the rejection I faced in my past and I feel lighter. Moving forward, I hope to let this take root in my heart and to not go fishing for my rock again. Rejection is not worth the pain and hurt I have let myself feel over the years. It is not worth letting myself be chained down in bondage. I believe in God and the Holy Spirit within me and I hope to continue on this journey, searching for Him wholeheartedly, not fearing when the lights go out and I can’t see a thing. It is in the darkness that we have to trust, and light overcomes the darkness. Every. Time.
His,
~Ashley
I have two weeks until my next deadline of $13,000. I am currently around $800 dollars from this goal and $4,000 away from being fully funded. Please be in prayer about supporting me financially. If 8 people give $100 right now, I will be all set for this next deadline! Every donation does not go by unnoticed and I appreciate each and every person’s support. I love you all!
