Or is it?
Alright guys, buckle up and get ready. The Lord’s been showing me the power in vulnerability and how it can have an impact on those around me, so rather than having shame in my past and the decisions I’ve made, I choose to use my past mistakes to glorify the Lord and how He worked through them.
Now let’s take it back to my middle school and high school days, where life was easy and my main focus was on the Lord, hanging with my friends at the movies, spending time with my family, and the next snack I was going to partake in.
“Good girl,” words that were frequently used to define me pretty much most of my life, which is great but man did that affect me in the future. I was the the girl that was known for not drinking, smoking, or partying. I was known as the girl who strove to keep her virginity. All of these things labeled who I was and I quickly began to strive to keep a good reputation for others and not for the sake of glorifying the One above.
A part of me was striving to be good because I wanted the Father above to be glorified and pleased with me, but the other part of me was just worried about what others around me were thinking about me.
My identity quickly started to be found in how others viewed me rather than how the Creator of this world viewed me.
This is where the problem kicks in and this is where I went wrong. I was too busy worrying about how others viewed me rather than seeking out the one and only view that matters. And that’s when I began to feel the pressure, the weight of being the “good girl.”
“For am I now seeking the approval of man or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10
I can’t really say when things actually started to change for me or when I began to step off the path the Father had for me but over the past 3 years life’s been a dramatic roller coaster spiritually.
You may be thinking…what? Ashley?? But let me remind you, I’m human and though I kept it together for so long it was so easy for me to fall because my foundation wasn’t fully built on the Father, but it was also built on my reputation.
So here I was, after all of this time of keeping my reputation together, feeling weak and easily tempted because my foundation was crumbling beneath my feet. I was tired of carrying the pressure and the weight, so I caved.
Around this time I was in and out of a relationship, one that the Lord was calling me away from, and ignoring the Lords will for my life rather than actively pursuing what I knew He wanted for me. With this relationship and my choice to rebel against what the Lord wanted started my struggles with sexual immorality.
Now for the sake of you guys, I’m not going to go into detail. But I will say that my decisions to pursue my selfish desires and not the Lords will for my life brought an immense amount of pain and heartache along with it. My decisions then still affect me to this day and will continue to do so in the future.
My decision to pursue sin gave Satan an opportunity to slip his way in and bring more temptation my way. He saw that I was weak and knew he could have his way.
Along with this pattern of sin came lies from Satan telling me that I wasn’t worthy of being loved, that my mistakes defined me, that I would never be able to overcome these things because I was already in too deep.
Around this time I began to stick my feet into occasional drinking with friends, which brought an inner battle within myself and although I felt convicted for my choice to dabble in it, I continued to do so.
Occasional drinking then began to affect my decisions and actions and eventually left me in a place where I felt empty, alone, and worthless.
I began to try and find my worth and satisfaction in attention from males. I felt like if a guy wasn’t actively pursuing or showing me attention, then I must not be beautiful. So instead of waiting for someone to pursue me, I pursued them.
This led to much heartache and confusion. I knew these things couldn’t fix me or satisfy my needs but I still kept choosing into it. My want for selfish desires became greater than the Lords desires for me.
It was almost like I was living a double life. I was still actively pursuing the Lord, but at the same time I was actively pursuing the sinful nature that I had been stuck in. I began to feel so much guilt and shame and though my Father was showing me love, I was beating myself up constantly for the decisions that I was making.
Things that I never thought I would see myself doing I was so willingly choosing to do. I was relying on my own human strength to keep me from making these mistakes all the while the Lord was showing me all along that if I would just look to Him for strength, He would pull me out of this mess.
One of my favorite passages that I’ve come across while on the race is in John chapter 5. In this chapter Jesus comes up to a disabled man who had been laying next to a pool where many disabled people came to seek for healing. The man had laid there for 38 years and couldn’t reach the waters himself because of his ailments.
“Jesus then comes up to this man and says “Do you want to be healed?” The sick man answered him, “Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, and while I am going another steps down before me. Jesus said to him, “Get up, take up your bed, and walk.” And at once the man was healed, and he took up his bed and walked. ”
Then later on that day in the temple, the man came across Jesus again.
“Now the man who had been healed did not know who it was, for Jesus had withdrawn, as there was a crowd in the place. Afterward Jesus found him in the temple and said to him, “See, you are well! Sin no more, that nothing worse may happen to you.”
The Lord gave me a wake up call on December 5th, a day that I won’t forget. It was a day that the Father shook up my life and woke me from my sleep. A day that He warned me to choose Him rather than the sin before me.
On December 5th I had a few drinks with my friends without eating supper before and ended up being highly intoxicated. I woke up the next day feeling super convicted but I felt okay physically, but by 4 p.m. I started having strange symptoms.
My symptoms ranged from not being able to comprehend what others around me were saying, not being able to respond to the questions that were being asked, and not being able to fully process thoughts correctly. My brain in a sense felt broken.
During this time so many fears came over me. What was wrong with my brain? Why was it not functioning correct? Was something wrong with my health? Would I still be able to leave for the race? Is this what dying felt like? And instead of giving all of these worries to the Lord and believing that He was going to take care of me I chose to dwell on all the things that could possibly be wrong with me, which caused so much anxiety and fear.
By the next morning I felt much better, enough to drive home. That morning I was able to share with my mom what all happened. I shared with her how convicted I felt for choosing in to that lifestyle when I knew the Lord was calling me away from it. How my heart so desperately desired the Lord and a continued lifestyle with Him but my fleshly desires had taken over.
In the back of my mind I was still fearful of the symptoms I had the night before, frightful that they would come back and something would still be wrong with me. Around 5 p.m., while sitting with my family after dinner, the symptoms started to come back but this time much worse.
I got super clammy and my family sat me down on the couch. All of them asking me questions but each time I could barely respond, I sat there frozen, unable to express much other than the fact that I felt weird and something was wrong.
Up until this point of my life I had never experienced health issues, in one second and because of a single decision my world was completely flipped upside down and I couldn’t stop all of the fears that began to overcome me.
After my sister Jessi made several calls to speak with different nurses that she worked with we were told to head to the hospital right away so they could do brain scans. My dad and sister Alicia quickly put me in the car and we headed to the hospital. The atmosphere quickly changed, fear of the unknown filled the space and all the strength I thought I once had was practically gone.
As soon as I got to the hospital they took me back, they hooked me to an IV and began to draw my blood and did multiple scans to check and see if my heart and brain were okay. The only word I can use to describe this moment was fear, constant overwhelming fear. After a few hours of being in the hospital the results came back and everything was clear. The only thing they could “diagnose” me with was dehydration but many things didn’t really add up and I left the hospital feeling very unsure of whether I was actually okay or not.
Those symptoms started on December 5th and didn’t fully end until December 15th. During this time I barely ate, which caused me to lose weight. I slept with my mom because I was too afraid to be alone. I started to depend on those around me to the point where I couldn’t be left alone and I constantly had to be around others. I was weak, so very weak.
So much anxiety filled me. I was constantly crying, my chest was heavy, and my neck would break out in hives. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I thought I was going to be like this for the rest of my life. But I refused to give up, I refused to allow the enemy to take over me with fear.
“For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.” Isaiah 41:13
With each of my parents sitting next to me on each side, grasping their hands tightly, I cried this verse out repeatedly. And something inside of me knew that He would come through, that He would save me. I refused to believe that my Heavenly Father above wasn’t fighting for me. I was tired of believing all of Satan’s lies, so I chose to declare the truth in the center of the storm.
And He did, like He always does. After weeks of anxiety, going back and forth to the doctors office, turning to anxiety medication and then weening myself off of them after 3 weeks, I felt extremely weak physically, mentally, and spiritually, but I began to feel better day by day.
“Sin no more, that nothing worse may happen to you.” John 5:14
I don’t tell you this with shame or guilt because my Father has free’d me from a life of sin. He’s shown me endless grace time and time again. I share this to glorify HIS name. To show you that there is hope, that there is redemption in HIS name. I tell you this because there’s beauty in vulnerability. There’s beauty in bringing things to light because when we bring things to light we break the power of darkness, we choose to overcome the power of sin and the enemy!
“Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light.” Ephesians 5:11-14
I pray you show me grace just like my Father does, I pray you don’t read this in judgment but you see my heart behind sharing. I share this in confidence knowing that my Heavenly Father loves me and still uses me even through my mistakes. I share this to show you that vulnerability is the key to breaking the power of darkness. I share this in hopes that if you are holding anything back that needs to be brought to light that you will share it with someone. There’s so much freedom in not being held down in shame and guilt from your mistakes but choosing to walk on a path of freedom. Your Heavenly Father has set you free but in order to walk in that freedom you must choose to be vulnerable with your brothers and sisters in Christ.
So praise be to the one who looks past my mistakes and sent His son so I wouldn’t have to carry the shame and guilt of those mistakes. Praise the one who even in my moments of selfishness and in my moments of choosing sin over Him, He still pursued me every minute of everyday.
And now in this moment, I choose Him. I choose a life full of His righteousness and strength that will give me the power to overcome temptation. I’m not choosing it for others, I’m not choosing it for myself to be glorified, I’m choosing Him because even in my filth, even when I have nothing to offer Him, He chooses me.
