I messed up. Ouch- that’s very humbling to say.
God spoke through one of my teammates and warned me of something I was going to do. I ignored it, and yet it still came true. Amazing how that works. Just like the time when Jesus warned Peter that he was going to deny him 3x before the rooster crowed, yet Peter refused to believe it, even denied it (as did I), and yet it still came true. (Matthew 26:31-35, 72)
It’s amazing that Peter was literally warned of what he was going to do, denied it, had the chance to do something different but got so caught up in himself and his ways that he completely forgot what he was warned of and ended up doing the very thing he denied.
This just goes to show how unwavering the God’s word is, wow. If he says it you better believe it’s going to happen regardless of what any one else says or does.
So here’s my version of being warned, denying and yet still receiving the same outcome of what God had warned.
For ministry on Thursday, our original plans had fallen through because the pastor we were working for had business he had to attend to all day. My team leader, Karlie, went to God and asked for wisdom and direction and plans for the day. He told her to have a spirit led day (as World Racer’s say: ATL aka Ask The Lord). This is a day where you just constantly ask God to lead your steps to people and places that you need to speak to/ pray for/ help. To start the day, we had a half hour quiet time as a team to simply ask the Lord where he wanted to take us, and who he wanted us to speak to. We received images of people in certain places or with distinct characteristics to know them by (as seen in the image below of what God told me to look for/do). Most revelations were pretty vague, except for one. De’Nae’s.
De’Nae received a few images of people to look for, but one distinct more descriptive image played out in her head. She said “I saw a man in a blue plaid shirt in jeans (*side note, Hailey imagined the same man with the same description) that I went up and talked to. I asked if he knew Jesus and he said yes, but didn’t want to know anymore. Yet when I looked in to his eyes I could tell something was off, and then we realized he was demon possessed. However, Ashley and Karlie, i specifically saw that y’all backed off as if it was out of fear. Now I’m not saying we’re casting out demons today or why y’all backed off, but I know God told me so I had to share it.”
Not going to lie, I was really butt hurt, and my pride took over.
But let’s rewind, just a few weeks earlier, she told me she had a dream that I quit the race early. This is so polar opposite of my character, and I already resolved in my heart that isn’t even an option unless I’m on my death bed because God has so clearly confirmed that this is exactly where I’m supposed to be. (She and I talked about it, and I’ve prayed in to this again).
So I already have presumed assumptions that she just doesn’t get me. She doesn’t know me at all. First I’m accused of being a quitter, and now I’m fearful and someone who would back away from God’s work?
Now let’s examine what went through my head hearing this:
Why the heck would she think that of me? I don’t have fear. I’ve already dealt with demons before. Who does she think I am? She doesn’t even know me; that’s so opposite of my character. That’s clearly not from God because it’s so opposite of who I am. I would never back off. She clearly has presumed assumptions of who I am and doesn’t know me at all, so she must just be making this all up.
So I left it at that. I ignored her. I doubted her ability to hear God. I assumed the worst of her motives, and completely just threw everything out the window.
We went on with our day, finding the people God showed us and praying for them and telling them about Jesus and his love for them.
Then I found my worker selling baked goods that God told me to look for; he was identical to the face God showed me just a few hours earlier during quiet time. Turns out he was atheist. He ignored what I had to say and brushed me off. (I’m not one to argue when I know it’s not going anywhere), so I planted seeds of truth of who Jesus was and left it at that (but if I’m being honest I was slightly defeated because he was the one man I had seen so vividly earlier in the day, so I went to find some comfort food). This is where it all begins to spiral downhill.
I went to buy snacks because it was 3pm and I hadn’t eaten lunch, and dinner wasn’t for three more hours. We had also decided that we were done for the day because we had to go back home to cook dinner for the Freedom House workers (if you didn’t read my previous blog then go check it out because there’s a good story in there). So I went and bought food at the store we were in in order to having something to eat on our way back because we were a little ways out from our host.
In my own little self-defeated world I became very self-involved. Only thinking of myself. Now lacking in self-control, buying all the snacks I could get my hands on (that I wasn’t allergic to of course), and drowning in my own self pity simply because I hadn’t seen the move of God that I wanted to see. No miracles. No one said a salvation prayer. Nothing. Just pity. (Planting the seeds is the hard part because you don’t get to see the fruit of your labor. So instead, I stuffed my face with my own fruit and nuts.)
De’Nae, Hailey, Marissa, and Meagan ended up seeing another man leaning up against a car outside the store that God had given one of them a vision of earlier in the day, so they went and talked with him while I got food, and Karlie stayed back with me for safety. By the time we got out, they were all deep in conversation, so I sat in my own little world and ate. Karlie sang songs, and the others talked with the man (their conversation ended up lasting an hour and a half). Karlie then saw a man in jeans and a blue plaid shirt. She pointed him out to me and then went and told De’Nae and Hailey, however they were so deep in conversation with the other man that they couldn’t get out of it. I literally didn’t think twice about the man. As I said, I was in my own world. Honestly, I was sitting in a sinful state of selfishness, gluttony, and self-indulgence, etc., so I was no longer in tune with Holy Spirit’s promptings. I was not being a team player. I didn’t even think of the option of going to talk to the man. At this point I didn’t even remember the vision from God that De’Nae had shared with us earlier, I just knew he wasn’t the person God told me to find so that meant he wasn’t my problem, right? It literally didn’t even cross my mind that I should or even could talk to him. It’s not like I felt the urgency to talk to him and denied it or physically backed away; I just didn’t think of it at all because I was only thinking of myself. I didn’t even realize it was a problem.
The man in the blue plaid shirt ended up leaving while the others were still in their conversation. Then we realized the time, so we left because we still had a dinner to host. went back and went along with our schedule and had great encounters at dinner.
That night we had our daily debrief where we give feedback and discuss the day. It was then that we began to discuss the day and how De’Nae and Hailey wished they could’ve found a way to talk to the man in the blue plaid shirt without being rude to the man against the car. We all felt like it was a missed opportunity, but still something we could learn from and grow from to ensure it wouldn’t be missed again in the future. Karlie and I suggested we probably could’ve went and talked to him…
…then Hailey had a revelation and spoke out and said “Maybe that is what De’Nae envisioned when she saw you and Karlie back off from him.”
A hush fell over the team. We were awe struck. I got chills, I’m sure we all did. And my jaw hit the ground and literally stayed there for 15 minutes. I couldn’t speak.
I didn’t even remember the vision all day, nor the warning. I doubted it was from God and never imagined it to come true. For a lack of better words I was shook. I was dumfounded. I was baffled at the thought that I was so naive to miss the warning. I couldn’t believe that the thought didn’t even cross my mind to go talk to him. I was speechless. And my pride was shattered.
As I processed it more over the next 24 hours, I beat myself over the head. I was so hard on myself. Baffled at how selfish I was. Dumbfounded at myself for not thinking of others or how to help. Mad that I missed the opportunity and thus hurt the team. My sin got in the way of hearing God, and my sin got in the way of helping a man potentially know him. My pride caused me to fall, and because I was walking in the sin of pride long before we even left our base, I completely ignored what De’Nae had to say in the first place.
So, I put myself in what I like to call a “self-imposed exile.” I excluded myself all day. Checked out of ministry. Walked around feeling unworthy, undeserving, unloveable, unforgivable, and most strongly: imperfect (and as a perfectionist that is the hardest pill to swallow). I fell prey to the lies of the devil. Didn’t believe I was deserving of any good thing or even useful to anyone else. I felt as if I messed up so big that it couldn’t be undone, and I seriously couldn’t believe just how selfish and not thoughtful I was.
But God picked me up. He met me where I was and pulled me out of my pit.
Earlier in the week, a few of us in the group had planned for our rest/adventure day to drive 2 hours to the beach (4 hours round trip) for just $25 of gas money to stay the day at a friend of a friend’s private beach. I had no idea what to expect for the beaches in Belize, but let me tell you, I was not disappointed. I was speechless. I had no words because the beauty overwhelmed me and I could not understand what I did to be so favored by God to get a day like this. This beach was the most beautiful beach I have ever seen. I literally teared up seeing it by being overwhelmed by it’s beauty (and I don’t cry for anything), and after a week of staying soaking wet from doing manual labor outside (it was either 100* F or storming rain everyday, so we literally stayed wet, either from sweat or rain.) it was so nice to have warm sunny weather with a breeze. We got real food at a restaurant that was of normal portion size and actually full of protein (because beans, bananas, and oatmeal everyday gets old real quick). At this point I was out of my self-imposed exile/funk. I mean it’s kind of hard to be sad on a beach, especially one this beautiful. I felt so undeserving, though, to have something so great when I’m supposed to be roughing it every day of this yearlong missions trip. I couldn’t wrap my mind around how I got the life I live- to be in Belize at a beautiful beach with my amazing God. A question I have struggled with wrapping my mind around lately is why and how I was so fortunate to grow up the way I did, with the family I did, when I very easily could’ve been one of the poor, abused, orphaned, starving children that I’ll be working with so much this coming year.
The beach is my happy place. It’s where I see God the most. I know that sounds cliche, but it’s true. I feel the warmth of his love. It’s comforting and peaceful. It is breathtakingly beautiful. The vast waters don’t even compare to how great he is or how deep his love goes. It’s full of joy and life. And with every breeze that hits my skin is like a new breath of life he’s breathing in to me. All characteristics of who he is that I get to experience in a physical manner to help me know him better because if the beach in an imperfect, fallen, broken world can be this beautiful and amazing, I can’t even imagine how much better a perfect, whole, loving God is.
So I spent a day with God, on the beach, being refreshed in his presence and completely forgetting about my mess up earlier the week. I was just refreshed with who he was.
It didn’t hit me until Sunday, the day after the beach trip, that I had the revelation of God’s overwhelming loving kindness. I was listening to a Bible Study my mom had taught me and the lady taught me the Hebrew word: Hesed. Hesed in the Bible talks about God’s unconditional loving kindness, and the way the teacher in the study I was listening to it explained it was, “The unconditional loving kindness that almost hurts when you receive it because you know you just don’t deserve it.”
Then, nearly two hours later it dawned on me. I was finishing up my time with God in prayer and thanked him for many things, then I thanked him for the beach and told him how I was overwhelmed by the fact that it was so beautiful and how I felt I didn’t deserve something so great. Then I broke. I started to well up with tears and emotions. The pain of the love of hesed hit me because I had felt so dirty, unworthy, sinful and shameful that I even more so didn’t believe/ or understand how I would be so lucky and loved for God to pick me up and still bless me and show me his unconditional love even when I felt like I least deserved it.
How great is he. Wow. So true to his character even when I mess up. No matter the circumstance or decision you make, he will always be there to give you all the unconditional love and help you clean up the mess you make when you break the ornament.
