“If you want God to trust you with the big stuff, He has to be able to trust you with the little”. That sentence played over and over again in my head as I was struggling to feel His presence. It was our first week in Swaziland, and after days of flights and driving we had finally made it to our compound. However, after the initial joy and excitement over arriving had passed, I felt completely empty.
“He has to trust you with the little things”. One of our speakers from training camp had discussed this, how one of those small tasks God had given her years ago was to bake her husband a pie. Super random, really strange, but still she remained obedient, regardless of how crazy it was. It was super sweet to hear how out of that random act of kindness, God had blessed their relationship, both between each other and between her and God.
I couldn’t stop thinking about it. So, everyday, I began getting into the routine of praying the same prayer over and over again. I asked God to give me that first small step/task that would challenge my obedience. Something small to do, give up, or really whatever it might require. At this point I felt so disconnected from God, I was ready to do anything He asked me to. Plus, I figured hey, I’ve already given up family, friends, freshmen year at college, every penny to my name, there’s nothing left He can really ‘take away’, so He’ll probably just have me do some small nice thing for someone. I don’t know, might as well ask, what could happen?
My mom likes to say be careful what you pray for. He answers.
It’s the end of our first week. I’ve been praying my same prayer, serving at ministry, and now it’s our first Saturday in Africa, which is also our full ‘off’ day. Because our ministries require wearing skirts or dresses everyday when serving there, the weekend is really the best and only time we can wear pants since we typically just chill out around the compound. Of course, that means I threw on my FAVORITE thing I brought with me on the race, the one thing that reminds me of home: my skinny jeans
It’s been different for everyone. Some people brought stuffed animals or a piece of clothing from their boyfriend. My piece of home didn’t remind me of anyone I left behind, besides maybe clean Indiana Ashley. Honestly, I could be going 4 weeks strong on dirty hair, no shower, completely gross and disgusting in every way-but if I have my skinny jeans, I feel completely like myself. Instantly I’d feel comfortable and ‘normal’ (even though I’d still be gross, haha). It’s the one thing I brought with me that makes me feel like I’m at home.
So naturally, if there’s something you’re clinging a bit too tightly to, God will remove it if it means lack of it has potential to bring you closer to Him.
Saturday hits, and finally I can chill out all day in my perfectly comfortable jeans. I was so excited! It sounds silly, but I really was.
However – I was anything but comfortable.
If anything I was uncomfortable in my one piece of home. I stood there, confused as to how this could ever be. My jeans? Surely not my jeans. They make me feel so comfy, so normal, so safe and like myself.
Dang it.
Naturally I pushed any ‘bad’ thought away. No way, it’s out of the question, nope, that’s not God, never. But as the next few days past, I’ve never felt more convicted. I know, conviction over a pair of skinny jeans. Ha, ha ha. But I really did. You asked for that small thing, right? Remember that prayer you said everyday over and over again? I answered, didn’t you hear me?
I came to the conclusion that following God is anything but comfortable, so when He told me to give up the absolute most comfortable thing I brought with me, it’s cause I tried to cheat the system. Sure, I gave up s lot to come in the trip, but not everything entirely. Obviously, cause ya know, God had to convict me over my skinny jeans. My so perfect so nice so so comfortable jeans. *sigh*
So alas, I gave them up. My teammate Carrie Grace rocks them now and absolutely loves them. Which is good, at least they can serve a purpose still.
I was a little sad at first. Okay, kinda super sad. My favorite thing I brought! They were so awesome. But in the end, really just another piece of clothing. And plenty of people have laughed at the thought of God convicting me over a pair of skinny jeans, and/or the fact that I haven’t worn them since then. Which is fine, it’s kinda absurd. But whenever I think it’s a little too crazy, I remember the story I heard at training camp, the one about a lady who was told by God to bake a pie for her husband.
So maybe it’s crazy. Maybe I’m completely wrong (even though I honestly doubt it, such thoughts of giving up my jeans could ever come from my own mind), maybe it wasn’t Gods voice speaking that first small step of obedience into my life. But, in the end, I’d rather look crazy and absurd then take a chance on disobeying what He’s given me. Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 5:13 that as believers we most of the time look crazy for His namesake. So who cares if I give up skinny jeans? No one, would be the answer (except me – ugh they were so perfect! It’s fine, I’m fine). There’s so much more out there that’s bigger than giving up a pair of jeans, especially when we can step out in obedience and grow our trust and relationship with Him.
So who knows, maybe I‘ll jump on the mom jean train, or maybe never wear jeans again ever. But as for now, I’ve been rocking the same paint splattered pair since literally month 1. And as we’re approaching month 3, I cringe every time I wash that pair of paint splattered pants, seeing all the dirt water that comes out. But we aren’t called to be comfortable in our favorite pair of skinny jeans. Or to necessarily be clean in our pair of paint splattered pants either, and Lord knows World Race life is anything but clean.
