I shaved my head. YOLO.
(Just kidding, but really…)
I’ve always wanted to do it, shave my head. More or less just for the fun of it and for the experience. Furthermore, coming into the race I figured it would finally be the most oprtune time to do it (or at least, out of other times the most oportune). I’ve seen blogs and photos of past racers who’ve shaved their heads on the race, either because God revealed to them how much they idolized their hair for comfort and beauty, or simply because they got lice and didn’t want to deal with the annoyance (that’s the part I figured I’d fall into – you get lice once, you avoid it like the plague). Already, two people from my squad have shaved their heads, both for similar reasons regarding their hair as being an idol in their lives (you can read their blogs here: www.briekeel.theworldrace.org and www.rebekahtroyer.theworldrace.org ).
Thoughout my life, I don’t think I’ve ever hardcore struggled with my hair acting as an idol. Sure, I’ve had my moments of insecurities, and through that I’d typically turn towards a certain hairstyle or haircut that I knew would look good on me or boost my confidence in that season of doubt. All in all, it’s not really something I can say controlled my life as much as it could/does for other people. Not to say I don’t have idols in my life that I turn to instead of God (no doubt about it, I definitly do), but the beauty created from the way I wore my hair never effected me in an ‘idol-like’ way.
Hearing about Becca and Brie’s stories on why they shaved their heads, it’s really sweet to see how God spoke into their lives and guided them to do it. They listened, obeyed, and now they get to rejoice in the freedom that He’s brought to them by letting go of something He needed to strip away. It was so crazy cool to see my sisters step out boldly in faith and obedience to Him, I was so proud! It’s not always an easy thing to do, giving up the worldly things you cling so tightly to. However, in the end it’s worth it if you truly know in your heart the greater treasures He has in store for us beyond the world we’re visiting in this season.
At the start of the race, I told myself if I got lice I’d do it. I’d shave it all off. No mess, no hastle with bugs on my head 24/7, no itching and slightly losing my mind every minute of the day because of the “EW THERE’S BUGS LIVING ON ME” type of feeling. In fact, I straight up told my parents I’d do it if I fell under the unfortunate circumstance of lice again (I’ve already had it once when it ran through my family a couple years back…NO!). But shortly after arriving in Swaziland, we learned that lice wasn’t really a common thing here. Like, at all. Our leaders and hosts told us we’d be much more likely to find it in India or another one of our countries, but that there wasn’t hardly any risk of getting it during our 3 month stay here. Of course that’s good news, but the longer we stayed here the farther away my mind grew from ever wanting to cut it all off. I wasn’t starting to idol my hair, but I definitly wasn’t as motivated to ‘just do it’ if I got lice anymore. I kept thinking of how it would look once I got home, awkward and weird and at all different lengths by that point. No, that’d just be strange, and I have to get a job once I get back, then I have college…Nah, I don’t think I’ll do it.
My biggest, BIGGEST struggle on the race so far has most definitely been the struggle to remain present. The entirety of month one, my mind couldn’t stop spinning around what the next year would look like. College, work, my family, the friendships I left behind, everything. Isn’t that crazy?! Here I am, literitally SITTING/STANDING/RUNNING/LIVING in freaking Africa, and all I can think about is anything BUT Africa. What?!! I was thoroughly upset with myself. All the people who gave so much for me to be here. Money, encouragment, time to support me and help me through the process, my dad for driving me hours away to go to the fancy REI store, how could I be seriously living out my dream of all dreams and not be soaking in every single moment? Throughout months 1, 2, and shoot, even 3, I ran a continuous run of up and down thoughts and emotions. One second I’d be considering what next fall would look like for me, the next I’d be hating myself for being so consumed with thoughts of the future and not focusing on what was right in front of me. I’d be sitting at ministry, kids running around me waiting to be loved and played with, and there I was overwhelmed with the decisions I could make and how they’d effect my next chapter, so much so that I couldn’t find joy in the mundane of playing with kids (which I adore). I was fully fearful and doubtful of the blessings and handful of callings the Lord had already given to me. My head was full of it, and my heart was out of it.
In month 2, my team (and one other from our squad) had the chance to spend a week living on an aquaponics farm. We got to meet Jesse and Macaira, the missionary couple who live here and work along side some of our Swazi friends to grow fresh produce. During our time there we helped out however we could – weeding, watering, planting, cooking, building soil beds, and more. Both teams were able to get a lot out of it, but a few of us did struggle. Me, being one of them, fought tooth and nail everyday. I remember every morning I’d wake up, I’d silently pray to myself that God would give me joy and a servants heart for whatever the day was about to bring. It’s not that I hated manual labor or being out in the sun all day or gardening, it was my stubborn self holding on to an icky bitterness I’d been hidng away in myself. Those long sunny days working in the gardens here in Swazi reminded me of the long Saturdays I’d spend working outside at home. I quickly realised upon coming to the farm that the reason I was struggling so much was self competition. At the end of the day, I wanted to know that everyone around me was proud of the work I had done. Even if I hadn’t been the one to complete the hardest job, I was seeking the validation of others for what I had done, even if it was simply making lunch for everyone. I wanted people to be as proud of me for putting together sandwhiches as they were for the ones who had been tilling all day, because in the end all forms of serving as just as important as the other and are equally rewarded in God’s eyes (obviously though I was seeking that recognition from people around me and not leaning into God for it). It stemed from those long Saturdays at home. The competition (against my siblings who have a natural love for manual labor) for recognition and praise from my parents was my goal on those weekends. I had to be the one they thanked at the end of the day in order to know that I had done a good job. It wasn’t quite that I wanted to be rewarded, but simply to know that they still apprechiated my work in the kitchen (my natural habitat) as much as they did the work of those who worked outside all day (in their own natural habitat). It was a type of validation I didn’t always recieve. Which, I don’t blame my parents for, however it was definitly something that took me a long time to understand that I had been storing up a bitterness towards.
About 2 weeks ago, we got word that Jesse and Macaira had asked for our team and another to come back and visit the farm. My first reaction was worry, and also slight disappointment. It was going to be our last week in Africa, and we’d be spending it away from our CarePoint and the rest of our squad. Plus, knowing how my last interaction with the farm had gone, I was totally expecting it to be similar to before, and possibly worse. I didn’t want to go and was close to checking out altogether and just going through the motions again until we could leave. After jumping on our bus an hour past schedule, I found myself laughing, raging, and reminising with my squadmate Liz as we discussed our softball glory days. We quickly bonded over our times as catchers and the joy we felt every summer weekend during long hours playing our hearts out on the field. We ranted about umpires and ran over our all time faviorte plays and drills. I hadn’t realised how huge a part my love of the sport had played in my life until I found someone with the same passion reflecting so strongly in them. And it was all so effortless really, starting conversation, learning about one another, and engaging in an intentional pursuit. It made me wonder why I hadn’t been doing it all along. Here I am, month 3 of the world race, and it was the first time I’d felt so, just, present. I’d even been struggling within my team to do this (also had writers block out of self-pity, which in my whole of 18 years has never occurred), so, naturally, I was shocked to feel such peace. I’d been missing out on this all along, simply because I had become overrun by my thoughts and feelings, and hadn’t been taking the time to get intentional with the world around me.
At the end of our first day back at the farm, I knew I wanted to do it. I was finally going to shave my head. Myself and a handful of other girls on the team got the chance to talk with Macaira, and get to learn a little bit more about her story. A year ago, she had shaved her head as a physical symbol of a personal covenat she made with God. She referred back to the story of Samson, how the promise of physical power was given to him from the Lord so long as he didn’t drink, cut his hair, or touch anything unclean. Once his hair had been cut, his strength was gone. However, our God is always capable of redeeming what is lost. Always. At Samsons lowest moment, chained to the temple, he cries out to God for a restoration of his strength so that he might defeat the enemies surrounding him (Judges 16). Through that moment, God provided the blessing Samson was in need of, exactly when he needed it most. So in that moment, I decided to follow through and do it. God had shone up in the exact moment I needed His presence most, and revealed to me His goodness and restoration of peace and a present self through a circumstance I had thought He was farthest from.
Personally, I don’t believe that you need a push from God in order to make decisions in life that the rest of the world might deem “crazy” (Ex: shaving ones head, deleting instagram). If it doesn’t contradict God’s word and truth, if it isn’t hurting ministry opportinites or hurting others around you, and you know in your heart the truth of what He says to you (Ex: I am beautiful, I am worthy, my hair and the worlds opinion of that does not reflect my value in His sight/I am handmade and designed by Him to be exactly as I am and how He has created me to be), then what’s stopping you? You never know what He’s waiting to reveal to you once you take the inisitive to do a little ‘self pruning’ (Matthew 18:7).
I took the jump – I shaved my head. I suppose in a sense, I really did do it because of God. I did it as a daily, physical reminder that it takes work on my end to remain present. I did it to be reminded of His goodness, and how He always knows exactly what we need and exactly when we need it. I did it because He is incapable of creating anything that isn’t beautiful, and because worldy/physical ‘beauty’ is fleeting. I did it because the validation of others (beyond solely just my work ethic), is unessential. And shoot, I did it because I’ve always wanted to, and really, what’s stopping me?
When I shaved my head, I was shocked at how uneffected I felt by it. Like, seriously, I felt the same. I suppose I was expecting some sort of renewal, or maybe a revival? It took me a few days to understand why, but once I did it made perfect sense. God had already claimed me, choosen me, and had been accepting and bringing me in all my life. There wasn’t a turning point in my life when I finally did well enough or looked good enough or worked as hard as others, to then cause my fear of rejection to leave. Instead, it was the final realisation that I’ve always been enough, and I’ve always been accepted. Recently I read through the book “Goliath Must Fall” by Louie Giglio. One of my favorite quotes from the book is, “If we live for people’s approval, we will die by their rejection.” Isn’t that SO GOOD?! On the race so far, I’ve learned so many incredible things, two of them being: 1. My fear of rejection is something I’ve been dealing with for a long time, much longer than I thought. 2. I don’t need to seek the approval/recognition of others. I mean, I’ve already received that from Christ, so why do I even bother? Why should I try to look the same as everyone else, when I already have had the approval of the only one that matters? When I cut my hair, I think I was so ready for it/(in the words of my teammate Catherine) ‘not moved’ because I had finally accepted that fact. The fact that I don’t have to try to win anybody over. I’m me, I’m loved, and the blessings, strengths, and weakness I have are all what makes me, me.
So here’s the chop: my hair, my grasp, my future, and the self-consumption of opinions and day dreams and uneccessary distractions. Life is short. This trip is short. And now, so is my hair.
