I wake up.
Exhaustion fills my bones.
I stay there, not wanting to move.
longing for just a few more hours
lost in the world within my mind.
Desperate to be consumed with the make believe
because occasionally, most often, its more beautiful
than what’s seen
with eyes wide open
Life shouldn’t be this way.
walking through the day just to get back to slumber.
sleep to live – live to dream.
its in the inbetween where the possibilities
are endless.
You lay, I lay, untouchable, body untouchable,
but mind and heart wide awake.
fully alert. Alive. Yearning.
aching.
for the things that cease to exist
or things deemed impossible in the waking world.
longing for things, for this life ,that I’m too afraid to make a reality.
Why?
Because its easier to obtain there
in that place
between the sheets.
where if things go wrong
or things aren’t the way I want
I need only to wake
shift positions
and start over.
it’s easier to avoid
abandonment,
rejection,
failure
there. its safe
to dream there.
And most often I live in that place too
I walk daily in that inbetween place.
Maybe I fear losing control
maybe I fear abandonment, rejection, failure.
Maybe? no. there’s no maybe about it.
I do. so most times I stay
where it’s safe.
I stay where I can control.
the inbetween.
not awake. Out. Exposed.
but not fully under either.
Not fully immersed.
not stuck in the place where I lose all control.
and most often that place
fully immersed
is the scariest of them all.
because I can’t control anything there.
In the in between,
I can still run away
or I can wake up and shift
but fully under, something else takes over
and the reality is
I fear the depths,
the ditches,
the canyons
that I do not know exist
because I dare not go there on my own accord.
So yes, I stay; I’ve been staying;
where I think I’m safe.
where I “have” control.
where I don’t have to actually be
I can just pretend to be.
But the Lord says to me
“do not fear greatness.
I have plans for you.
great plans.
do not fear them.
accept them.
allow them.
pursue them.
and trust in me.”
And so I will.
embracing simplicity.
emptying my hands of what I know-
Complete complexity.
palms up.
fists no longer closed.
Lightning surrounds.
choose to be scared
put off- turned away
or invited in- enticed.
Its either a roaring storm
or its just glimpses of light
lighting up moments of darkness.
Giving the miraculous gift of sight
to those moments of blindness.
I choose to see the glimpses of light
Because; to the darkness I was no stranger.
