SATAN IS A LIAR.
I’ve been so overwhelmed. This whole thing is daunting really. So much to do and so much to prepare for. I’ve been reading blog after blog and it all seems so big. This morning I found myself second guessing, I found myself thinking, “I’m not so sure I’m ready for big… and not to mention $16,000 is a lot of money, and maybe I’m just not ready and…”
He told me that these were not thoughts from Him. He told me that satan is a liar. Plain and simple.
Then he spoke truth to me. He said, “I chose you”.
God, why did you choose me? I am nothing. I am not funny or generous or inspiring or beautiful or strong, people tell me I am, but can’t they see God, that it’s you? It is you that is superman, beautiful, funny, generous, and inspiring. It is you who deserves the awe and admiration. I am nothing. I am nothing – without YOU.
And yet, God you are choosing me. You chose me to pursue years and years ago. You chose me to reveal yourself to and to connect to that day. You chose me to come here and to meet the people I’ve met. You chose me to work with you last summer in Thailand to serve you. And you’re choosing me now. Out of the 7 billion people in the world you chose me. Why? What do I have to give? I don’t deserve it. Any of it. I mean I am so sucked into the world’s schemes. I spend money on things I don’t need. I fail you daily. I get scared, nervous, and anxious. Sometimes I doubt. But you constantly continue to pursue me and choose me. Sometimes I realize just how scared I am to give everything. I talk to the talk, but God, sometimes I’m not so good at walking the walk. So what am I, to your plan?
You chose me. You chose to reveal missions to me. You chose to rev my heart up when I think about serving the world. And it matters. Your plan for me, however great or small, it matters.
I feel it, a personal responsibility for the world. The hungry people, the homeless man on the street, it’s not the governments job or the church’s job to feed them, or to house them. It is our job. It is my job. We are the church, I am the church. And that is how I feel. It’s the reason why I can’t stop my tears when I see the hurt in the world. When I hear about the pain and the suffering in the world. The reason why I physically ache when I hear about people dying or hurting or grieving or suffering. Why I can read someone’s story and I feel like I know them. It’s the reason why it’s impossible for me to pass a man on the corner with his “out of work” sign and not feel something. I feel it, I feel responsible. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and it’s heavy and it’s hard and I’m sore and sometimes I fall and crumble under the weight of it all and the tears fall and my heart breaks for people. I’m the church. We’re the church. They are my people. They are my brothers and sisters.
And so sometimes people tell me that I care too much. Is that a problem? They tell me that I can’t do it all, I can’t save the world. I can’t fix it all. And well, they are right, I can’t. But I’m not satisfied with that because well we have to believe that with Christ we can fix it otherwise we’ll give up trying. I have to walk away from the life I’ve planned to live the life God has for me. I have a special gift of empathy and while at times I feel as if it’s a serious curse, I realize how much of a blessing it really is.
I’ll never spend hundreds of dollars to vacation in Panama City Beach with my college friends on Spring Break. And I’ll never have a corner office in some building making 6 figures. I am going to get dir. I am going to go to lands where they don’t speak my language and I don’t speak theirs. And I am going to be in places where it’s hard and suffocating and awkward and I feel alone. I am going to feel alone. My knees will be scraped and I am going to be expected to give more that I have. And I am going to cry; oh goodness will I cry; tears of incredible sadness and tears of abundant joy. I am not ever going to give up trying to fix the world by letting Christ use me, because when I do, I give up myself, and who I am called to be.
This world has nothing to offer me. I am sitting in my bedroom in sweatpants and a t-shirt, my usual uniform, and I am writing. I am on a college campus and there are people everywhere, there are parties going on and people talk about so many things I can’t relate to. It’s empty. It’s all empty to me. This is not my home; this is not where I belong. This world is not where I belong.
I don’t know what I have to give, but God, take it all. I am tired of chasing the vapor of this world, the mirage. Make it hurt. Make it hard. Make me stumble. Make me fall. So I can lean on you, pick myself up again, stronger, and with more love for you and everyone I meet. You chose me, and I don’t know why, but you did, and that, that is enough.
