I’m sitting in a coffee shop and the incredible all inspiring sounds of Amos Lee are flowing out of my earphones and into my head and I’m nodding my head and perhaps I’m dancing a bit and people are staring at me, and I can’t really bring myself to care. I’m happy, my spirit is dancing, therefore I am dancing.
For once I have nothing really to do today; I already worked… so I am using this time to brainstorm fundraising ideas and to catch up on my writing. I’ve written so many little notes today but it makes my heart happy so I’m going to continue to just let all my thoughts flow through my hands and onto the computer screen.
In case anyone was wondering, motivation can come entirely and unequivocally in the form of a turtle latte. That my friends, is a fact. Honestly… I really have no idea what unequivocally means.. but I’ve been playing scrabble a lot lately and it makes me want to use big words all the time. So there’s that.
Someone told me today that the sunshine reminded them of me. I kinda like that. It makes me feel like I am doing something right. It made my heart smile. And I mean really smile, not like that little smirky grin but I mean like a huge goofy looking take over your whole cheeks smile. Yeah, those smiles are the best.
So. Want to know a secret? I can’t do everything.
GASP! OH MY GOODNESS.
I know right.
I have been a bit frustrated lately, because I feel like I’ve been doing so much but got no where. Ive been doing inhumane (oh big word again. J) amounts of work lately that I should have been given a badge or a cape or something. I’ve been super-Ashley! But at what cost?
I haven’t been sleeping and I’ve been completely miserable. I haven’t even been able to have quiet time because I just fall asleep.
I struggle with this constant need to be doing a lot. I have to do everything and I have to do it on my own. I think in the past it was because if I had time, that means I had time to think, and thinking used to be dangerous to me because I dwelled on all things negative. Plus, doing everything makes me feel like I have it all together. Wrong.
In case anyone was wondering,
Quantity is not quality.
Rest is good.
Rest is biblical.
God honors rest.
Look at me. I’m just full of information today.
So I’ve been a wreck. I’ve been miserable and I’ve been exhausted. I have had no time for relationships let alone work on my relationship with Christ. I’ve been doing SO much but I haven’t been living at all. If that makes any sense.
I was working about 80 hours a week because I have so many bills and so many things I need to pay for in order to launch in July for the race. Well the other day I had a break down. I just collapsed on my bedroom floor and threw my bible open in desperation for an answer or some comfort from God. I came across Psalms 70 & 71 first, and then I came across Proverbs 3. Go look them up now. They’re great. No really, I’m serious, right now go look them up, I’ll wait….
……
……
…..
Praise God.
God flat out told me to lean not on my own understanding but on Him.
To seek him.
And I didn’t even have to ask myself, I knew that was not what I was doing. I was trying to do everything on my own. I was afraid that my debt and my bills were bigger than God. Yeah, I’m a genius huh. I was living like my money problems were bigger than the GOD of the universe, than the God who sits on a throne of wealth. That my problems were bigger than the GOD who promises to always provide.
So I made a tough decision. I realized that I was leaning on myself and my independence, which those of you who know me, know that I do ALL THE TIME. I wasn’t trusting that God could provide what my job was providing…
So…..I now only have one job. I’m working 40 hours a week. And I’m devoting time again to my relationship with Christ and to fundraising for this mission, and to sleep, woah, imagine that! My bills and debt all still exist, and my income has obviously drastically decreased, but you know what, I feel great. Who can compare to my God. Not money, not debt. Nope. Nope. Nope. Not today. Not tomorrow. You know why?
I am a child of the one true King. I am a Daughter to the Father of all things. I am a heir to the kingdom of heaven. I am not made for this world. I am the Lord’s. And the Lord will provide.
HAHA! Sweet nancy, my heart is so full of happiness. Well, I’m going to finish my latte, and listen to this killer Pandora station some more. And I’m going to work on some things, but as soon as I hit a wall and can’t do it anymore, which will happen because my mind is racing at a million and ten miles an hour right now, I’ll be back here, pouring my heart out just letting myself be.
Who knew lattes could be so… inspiring?
