28 days. 28 days. 28 days.
28 days until Training camp. I have hit my first deadline; but the second deadline is out there looming.
Everything is becoming more real. I sat with amazing people this evening drinking a coke and talking about the race and everything I still needed to buy and needed to figure out a way to pack and blah blah blah. And my squadmates are all talking about packing and practicing packing and everything they have gotten and how it’s all fitting in their packs. And everyone I come in contact with is asking me if I’m ready and how excited I am and It’s all just becoming so real.
And well… to answer your questions; I’m not ready, I’m completely overwhelmed, and I am so incredibly terrified.
I’m not ready.
And you know what, that’s okay, because the reality is no one’s ever really ready and if I waited until I was “ready” I’d never go. And I don’t have to be, ready I mean, because God is ready, and well, He’s in control. One of us is prepared. I mean even if I wanted to be ready; I don’t know what I’d be ready for. I have NO idea what to expect.
Here’s what I expect:
-to be completely and utterly WRECKED by the Lord
-to have my eyes opened
-to laugh A LOT
-to cry A WHOLE LOT
-to learn
-to love
-to be loved
I mean… other than that I don’t know. My entire prayer for this whole journey is just that I would become more like Jesus. So I don’t know… I mean I expect to go to 11 different countries and I expect to eat a lot of rice and potatoes; but I have no idea what to expect outside of that all; and honestly that excites me. If you didn’t know this about me already, let me enlighten you, I THRIVE off of not having plans. I LOVE it. I love the adventure and opportunity of the unknown. It’s fantastic.
I’m overwhelmed.
There is so much to do and so little time and I continuously think of new things I have to do and the list just keeps growing. And there are so many things I have to purchase and so many bills that need paid and just no hours at work and no money to go and take care of those things and it’s all just stressful and it’s overwhelming. BUT. God is good. Let me repeat. God is good. And I know without a shadow of a doubt that God called me to this race and to this route in July and so I know that it is all going to be okay. I know that He has got it all under control and I need to just remain patient and confident in him. When I am overwhelmed He leads me to the rock that is higher than I.
I am terrified.
And some of my fears are ridiculous fears that you’ll probably laugh at, but some of them are so real that they dig right at my core.
I’m scared:
-of my current financial situation
-of not being enough
-of failing
-of feeling inadequate
-of not having the answers for someone who has the questions
-of not knowing what to say
-of breaking some poor little kids hammock and making them cry
-of my pride
-that I won’t always love selflessly
-that I wont have the patience
-that I will get sick
-of not being liked/accepted, ESPECIALLY by my squadmates
-that I wont be needed
-that sadness will creep in
-that I’ll accidentally eat some poor little dog without knowing it
-of being too blunt
-of being vulnerable and then getting hurt
-I’ll be abandoned
-that I won’t have packed everything I need
-I’m terrified of leaving my mother here in Indiana for a year and not being just a car ride away when a diabetic attack creeps in.
I’m just terrified. And those aren’t even all of my fears; there’s a whole bunch more that I’m not entirely ready to commit to paper yet. And I mean when I think about this entire list it makes me terrified to go. But then I think about it; the reality is, I’m even more terrified to not go.
I need to go. I want to go. I am called to go. I’ve spent too many years ignoring God telling me to go for whatever reasons, and I’m over that. God is now SCREAMING AT ME to go. So, I’m going. And while yeah maybe I’m not ready, and I’m overwhelmed and completely terrified… but the reality is:
God is in control
and God is ready
and that, that, is incredibly exciting
and I rest in that knowledge
peacefully.
