I retreated to the corner of my bedroom, slid down the wall, landing on the floor, looking out over boxes and piles of my things with tears streaming from my eyes.
I had a mini melt down yesterday. I had been procrastinating packing up my apartment this entire week. I’ve avoided it in so many ways; having movie marathons, taking naps, drawing pictures, just sitting, etc. and I realized today why. As I began finally putting things in boxes and going through all my belongings I’ve collected over my entire life and trying to decide what to keep and what I can give away/throw away all the emotions I’ve been bottling up hit me in one giant wave. It’s all real now. It’s starting. And honestly?
I’m terrified.
Yes I am excited about this new opportunity and the next step in my life and I feel called to it more than I can even put into words and yes I know that God has a plan bigger than my own and His hand is in all situations, but honestly? I’m still terrified.
At 9:30am sharp, (which really means 9:00) my mother and step-father arrived at my apartment ready to load up the few boxes I’m allowed to keep with me into the bed of the truck and I was on my way to my parents’ home for the first time in 5 years. That terrifies me.
I’m staying here the whole month of June with no car meaning really, no escape or break from the house. That terrifies me.
I’m walled in with my parents, with whom I haven’t been able to really talk to about anything deep ever in my life before for a month. That terrifies me.
I’m thrown back into an atmosphere that I remember all too well as not necessarily a good one. I’ll be surrounded 24/7 by the comments and the statements said to me causing me to struggle with self-worth and my value. That terrifies me.
My community and group of friends won’t be just a few miles away. That terrifies me.
I’m still short about $3,000 in funds in my support account to launch, not to mention having exactly $4.69 to my name and needing to get immunizations and little things gear wise and pay bills, and having absolutely no income anymore and no idea how to get that money except for praying and trusting in Gods complete provision. That terrifies me.
The fact that i cannonballed… i don’t have a plan B. diving into this race and this calling head first with no thought to there being a back-up plan if funds don’t come through… That terrifies me.
If I’m being really honest with you all and with myself. I am terrified.
It’s all here. Its time. The moment I’ve waited for and dreamed about for 5 years here. It’s all happening. And yes, I know that The Lord is with me. And I know without a doubt that He is in this, that He is here. I know that.
But can I ask you all for prayers with me in this? Can I ask you to be praying for this situation? Can I ask you to pray for this month with my family that God would soften hearts and just do amazing work in my family? Can I ask that you pray that I can remain patient and that I can go into this open minded and remain loving in all situations? Can I ask that you pray that I would remain confident in the Lords truths about me and about who He says I am when comments and conversations are telling me otherwise? Can I ask that you pray for my finances? Can I ask that you check in with me throughout the month if you have time? That would just be swell and I’d appreciate it more than you can even imagine.
