Living in this world has had me completely and totally exhausted. I went from a life back home where I worked multiple jobs, had countless to-do lists, majority of interactions with people were done online, phone calls didn’t happen and when they did they lasted 30 seconds, I sent hundreds of text messages and emails a day, and I ran myself ragged. And then I jumped into preparation for the world race where I spent time sending out support letters and making sure I had all my gear and trying to stay in touch and communicate with squad mates and team mates and pour into them while still being plugged into my life at home and making sure I was still working and dealing with all the things I had to deal with before leaving the country for a year. There’s a lot to do before you just pick up and leave for a year! And then all of a sudden I’m on the race and I wake up early every morning and am surrounded by things that need to get done, blogs that need to be written, work that needs to be done, laundry that needs to be done, etc. and it’s just seemed like I have been running myself into the ground but getting nowhere. And its not just going to take a catch-up day to get back on top of everything, because the reality is I’d just add another task to the list for everything I check off. And it’s not just going to take a few extra hours of sleep either, because its bigger – deeper than that.
The reality is I have everything I need to live in complete happiness. That’s the reality. And yet, I let silly things rush in and rob me of that happiness. Things that are insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Things like being behind on my to-do list, not knowing what the future holds, personality differences, sickness, the less than ideal sum in my bank account, jealousy, insecurities, etc. I look at others sometimes; well if I’m being honest really, often, and I think why can’t I be like them? And I realize, it’s because I am not them.
I am Ashley, and I want to let that be enough.
“Comparison is the thief of joy.” I don’t know who actually said that, but genius status really. I spend so much time looking at photos better than mine, reading blogs that are better than mine, and seeing clothes that I’ll never own or be able to fit in, these little ideas and conceptions of perfect lives that most likely aren’t even real. I spend so much time doing this, time that could be spent elsewhere. Could be spent with others in conversation, playing basketball, laying out on the roof and relaxing while looking out on Gods beautiful creation, etc.
The reality is, I could compare so many things, and I could go on about the things that I do compare, but it’s sunny outside, the breeze is blowing, and the wifi is actually working, and for today I want to let that be enough.
Living authentically – that’s the new focus. The truth, which is so often attacked in mainstream culture, is that we are made for more than the silly, mundane life we’ve allowed ourselves to become content with. We are dared, and called, to live boldly, to live meaningfully, and to follow the Lord and that is the life that is going to bring us the most happiness.
Authentic life is inconvenient and in today’s world – convenience reigns. An authentic life, authentic community is hard. It requires time, effort, and vulnerability.
It might mean turning off your cell phone for an hour to sit next to a friend and talk.
It might mean spending twice as long writing a letter than it would sending an email.
It might mean actually picking up the phone to call your aunt to catch up, even though you know she’s going to talk forever and end up asking you when you’re going to finally get married and you’re tired of having to explain that well… you kind of need a man first…
It can take many forms, but I want to embrace it. I want to feel like I accomplished something with the miracle of a day I was given, and I don’t mean crossing a million things off my to-do list. I want to take the time to strengthen relationships and form new ones and not through liking statuses or leaving comments. Its funny, sometimes I find myself with free time, and I literally sit and wonder what to do with my time. Like I don’t really know what hobbies are anymore and that just sucks. I could tell you my jobs or what I study and give you all the things I do. I’d tell you where I’ve invested my time over the past few years. But I don’t want that. I’m good at what I do, I’ll admit, but I want to be good at who I am if that makes any sense at all.
I haven’t been able to go to ministry the past couple of days due to a foot injury that has me held up in my bed. It has had me bummed out because I don’t feel like I do anything. I feel useless lying around not doing any work. So I made a to do list this morning, while I’m bedridden, but the reality is I know that I wont get half of it accomplished. But whatever I do get done, whether that’s 2 or 7 things, it’s going to be enough.
Because I’d rather be a person who is tuned into a conversation, than trying to finish an email or a blog or a text.
Id rather write notes to my amazing squadmates and friends back home instead of feeling like I have no idea whats going on in their lives.
Id rather ask my mother how her day is going, instead of only staying on skype long enough to have my question answered.
I mean, there is sadness and negativity surrounding us everyday, pulling at us. There is a lie in our culture that is all about us, that if we are just concerned with ourselves and our own pursuit of the profligate pleasure of the week, we will find happiness. Success is happiness. Being wealthy is happiness. Being famous is happiness. Being married or in a relationship is happiness. A certain weight is happiness.
Bullcrap. Excuse my French. But I’m calling society’s bluff. I refuse to go along with the lies that I’m faced with everyday. I was made for more.
The truth of the matter is – I am loved relentlessly, overwhelmingly, unconditionally by my Lord and Savior. My God died for me. My God endured unbelievable pain and humiliation for me. That’s a beautiful reminder that no matter what; I am worth so much and I am never alone. Because He came back for me. He rose from the dead for me. Even if I was the only person on the whole planet, he still would of done it all, for me, because im enough. And when you think about that, suddenly all the tasks, lists, and stress fades away. I am enough for Him, and today I’m letting that be enough for me.
So I want to disengage with my facebook profile and re-engage with my friends. I want to be less concerned with my to-do list for the day and more concerned with whether or not I gave thanks for this day. I’m meeting people everyday who have nothing and are the most joyful people I’ve ever known. And that makes me think that joy isn’t conditional on my possessions, my resume, my bank account, or what I do.
So I’m rediscovering joy. I’m re-committing to living authentically, boldly, meaningfully. If I don’t answer your email or message right away, don’t worry, ill get back to it. Maybe my computer/phone is turned off, in my pack, so I can take some time to enjoy a book, a nap in my hammock, some tea, time with my Savior, or a conversation with a friend.
Go. Take some time to experience life instead of documenting it. It is fleeting after all.
