With every day bringing me closer to the race I can't help but begin to get anxious. It is getting harder to focus on the things around me and stay invested in the people that have been such a huge part of my life. I think part of it is for preservation. I don't want to hurt them or get hurt myself. This is a mechanism that I have used in the past.
I know that I will be gone for a long time and I think that it would just be best for both parties if we just didn't get that close. And I have so many surface relationships but when it comes to needing someone there are very few people that I will actually call out to. I don't want to live my life not being able to get close to people. I have already lost relationships in the past because of this.
I am excited to meet my squadmates. Several of them have been friend requesting me on facebook but I have yet to talk to many of them. The race will be a new start for me and new journey with new people. How do I make sure that history doesn't repeat itself? How do I make sure that I allow myself to actually get close to these people.
When I have gone on trips before I did the same thing. I barely opened up and if I truly did then it was maybe to one person. I want this to be different. I want to pour out my heart and soul and love without control. It is easy for me to do that with the strangers that I have met along the way. However, it is a different story when it is people that will be in my life everyday.
I want to break down my walls. I want to let it all go. I want to love without control.
