I have been anxious about writing this blog for some time now. I have known that it has needed to be said since I found out about our ministry this month… a month and a half ago.
I was scared to be here. I was scared of the things that would come up from my past or more importantly what I would find out is still a part of my present.
I don’t know what is appropriate to say here. I don’t even know what I need to be saying here. I just know that something needs to be said. So I am going to stop right now and pray. Then I will let the Lord speak through me.
Freedom is something that you fight for. Sin is a choice that you make. I made the choice to sin and forfeited freedom far too often. I chose to find my identity in men and not in Christ. I chose to provide for myself and not let God. I chose men over Him. I was dependent on men for so many things when I should have been dependent on the Lord.
I wanted attention and I knew how to get it. I wanted love and I knew how to get it. I wanted affection and I knew how to get it. I knew how to get anything that I wanted.
I have, for the most part, always been confident in myself.It is true what they say about men being attracted to confidence. I knew that, so I used that. I used it to get what I wanted. But, sometimes men wanted more than a woman of confidence. The men wanted something in return for their attention, love, and affection. So, I gave it to them. I used charm and manipulation. I thought I had the upper-hand. I thought I was in control. But, I was never in control. I was dependent on them. They had all the control. The confidence I claimed was nothing but insecurity in sheep’s clothing.
Part of me knew then that I was somewhat dependent on a man. But, I let it go too far. It was more than dependency. It was full-on living in a sinful lifestyle. I covered up sexual immorality with excuse after excuse. But, it is time that I started practicing what I preached. I always told people
Boy, did I build a house. A house that would soon come tumbling down with just one blow from Satan..if I didn't do something.
How could I tell the women in these bars to stop selling their bodies for money when I was doing the same thing? I was selling my body for affection, attention, and “love”.
I was reminded of this all when I walked down Bangla Rd. Poles, beer, dancing, music, and lots of bare skin. I saw myself when I looked around. I saw the woman that I had been. The woman I was still holding onto in a way. I had not completely given up that lifestyle. It just looks a little different here on the race. Instead of being with men, I sought other ways to get attention and fill a void. I used words, books, etc. I could feel the world pulling me back in! I could hear my name being called out. I could feel myself being persuaded to embrace the woman I once was. There is a war going on. A war that is not between flesh and blood. It is a war for my soul. And for a moment I began to surrender;I told myself that I am still that woman. That was a lie!
I AM NOT! I will not back down!
That is not who I am! That is not the woman of God that I am. I am a woman who is worth more than my body. I am worth more than sex. I am worth more. I am a woman of confidence, not in myself but in the Lord. I am a woman of passion. I am a woman of commitment. I am a woman of my word. I am a woman of The Word. I am a woman who loves deeply. I am woman of integrity. I am a woman of boldness. I am a woman of character. I am a woman of God. I am awake and alive.
