I’m going to be completely honest, I didn’t really want to write this blog post because writing it forces me to get out of my comfort zone, to deviate from my default setting, to turn off the cruise control of my routine mundane everyday life and face the hard truth, and most of all to do something I so desperately try to avoid having to do-admit that I need help, that I don’t have it all together, that I can’t do it on my own.
I’ll start with a little story, just so you can get an understanding of just how severe this problem really is, I’m not making this up people. Okay, so picture this, I’m at drill team camp over the summer. We’ve been busy all week learning new routines, perfecting our dance technique, and growing together as a team. I couldn’t tell you now all of the specifics of a lot of the things we did, but this one activity will stay with me forever. They blindfolded us and lined us up next to this rope maze. Then they put the rope that was nearest us into our hands and told us to find our way out and that the first one to get out was the winner. And then they said that we could ask for help if we needed it, and of course, I blew this off because not only was I going to have no problem getting out, I was also going to be the first person to do so and therefore I would be the winner (fun fact, I’m also low-key competitive). I moved along the rope in every direction, but could’t seem to the find the end. It just seemed like I was going in circles, like I was getting no where. The ladies running the activity kept asking me if I needed help, but every time I refused-I was determined to do it on my own. I ran into trees and tripped over rocks and scraped up my legs to where I was literally bleeding, but still I refused to give up and admit defeat, I was determined to find my own way out without asking for help. The thing I didn’t know is that the only way out was to ask for help. The maze really had no end. The whole point of the activity was to teach us that in a world that tell us we have to have it all together and values strength and teaches us that asking for assistance is a sign of weakness and incompetence that sometimes you just can’t do it on your own and that its more than just okay to ask for help-its healthy, its necessary, it can be a good thing and get you out of difficult situations a lot easier than if you try to go it on your own. And I was so caught up in the me show, that I missed it completely and one of the ladies had to finally tell me that I had to ask for help in order to get out.
And lately, I’ve been feeling the same way I felt while I was doing that silly little activity at drill team camp-beat down, exhausted, overspent, worn out, overwhelmed, like there’s no way out, like I’m barely hanging on, barely scraping by, just surviving. And here’s the thing, I keep forgetting to ask for help. I’ve been so caught up in trying to be a friend to the world-people pleasing, meeting deadlines and fundraising goals, checking things off of my never ending to do list, studying, working-all things that world tells me I’m supposed to be doing; and you know what, its left me feeling empty and drained. The more and more I give myself to the world, the more and more it greedily takes, but it never returns the favor, it doesn’t fill me up, it leaves me dying of thirst, gasping for air, desperate to be filled again.
And while I’m doing this, you know what else I’m doing, I keep turning my back on God (James 4:4). He’s the only thing that gives, that refills and refreshes and rejuvenates and refuels, and never leaves me wanting more. I keeping putting other people and other things above Him. I keep telling Him,”I don’t need You. I can do this on my own, by my own strength, for my own glory. At least, I can do it way better than You can.” And see, the thing is, I’m wrong, so so very wrong. I’m just too stubborn, too determined, too prideful to admit it sometimes or most the time. I really can’t do it on my own, not just that silly little activity at drill team camp, but everything. I don’t have it all together, I can’t rescue anyone, not even myself, I can’t even get myself out of my own mess that I created trying to do it all on my own-the hard truth is that I need a hero, I need help, I need Jesus.
This exhausting, worn down, emptiness, shell of a life, this isn’t what You want for me, this isn’t the kind of life You intended for me. But You keep bringing me to this place of brokeness-this place of I can’t do this, I’ve had enough, I’m ready to quit, something has gotta change, I don’t know how much longer I can live like this before I just lose it. You meet me here in this place, You slow me down from my fast pace life, and You remind that it’s okay to ask for help, it’s okay to not be okay, it’s okay to feel broken, it’s okay to not have it all together all the time. You give me the rest I’ve been craving, but have been searching for in all the wrong places. You remind that I was never meant to this on my own, I was never meant to carry this load all by myself. And most importantly, You remind of just how much I need You-Your strength, Your power, Your might. You are God and I am not.
And guess what? It’s so much easier when I stop trying to rely on myself and start relying on You, not because You take away the hard, but because You take on the hard with me. You always come through. You take on my heavy and give me Your easy and light. So You bring to this place of brokeness not to just leave me here, but to grow me, to sanctify me, to draw me closer to You. You are a consuming fire (Hebrews 12:29)-You want ALL of me, every little bit. And You love me too much to just leave me here in this place, You want to make me a new creation, to make me more like You. But sometimes that process is hard and I don’t want to do it, so You bring me to this broken place and force me to confront myself, the good, the bad, and the ugly, to make me realize that I am in desperate need of You. You expose me and then You help me to turn away from my old self and put on my new self. You show me my chains, the ones now laying at my feet, the ones that once held me in bondage, that were leading me to a life a decay. You remind me that You have freed me from them once and for all, this freedom is a blood-bought gift, and now I get to dance on my chains in victory.
So today, I’m thanking you for the brokeness, the broken places and the broken spaces I find myself in, because they lead to intimacy with You. And so even in this brokeness, I rejoice. I may be pressed, but I am not crushed, and I will continue to press into the broken, lean into the pain and tribulation, counting it all as joy, because You are making me new, You are making a beautiful thing out of me, You are making me perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. I will lift my drooping hands and strengthen my weak knees and make straight the path for my feet, so that what is lame in me may not be put out of joint, but rather healed by You. Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the Light.
