One night during month 3, I was talking with one of our squad leaders… She told me that, as she was praying for me, she had this image in her mind of 11 chains, with the first 3 already broken. These chains symbolized 11 chains that the enemy had me wrapped in, to try to keep me from moving, and that each month of the Race, I would be freed from a chain.
I forgot all about that night…until I spent an hour reminiscing, yet again, about some of the things from this year. This time, I started seeing the battles the Lord has fought for me throughout this year, and I saw my 11 chains.
I just wanted to share a little of these battles with you, and to tell you about some of the chains I have been freed from throughout this year.
Month 1–The chain in month 1 that God broke me free of was me seeking my family and friends out for things before I even talked to Him. They were my #1 go-to, my #1 comfort. My first month on the Race, my first month away from my comfort, my Father called me to seek Him first–to make Him my #1 go-to, my #1 comfort. It’s fun to look back at that month. At the time, I hated not having 24/7 wifi access to talk to family and friends back home because I was already out of my comfort zone…but it was because of that lack of wifi that I was (also kind of left with no other options) able to begin seeking Him first. I wasn’t fooling Him. He knew exactly what I needed (or didn’t need…depending on which way you look at it) to start seeking Him first.
Month 2–The chain in month 2 that God broke me free of was my silence about feeling that my words are of little-to-no value to others. Our first squad debrief was at the beginning of month 2, and we had two vulnerability nights under a big tent(parts 1 &2). The first night, I sat in my chair and fought with God about sharing something with my squad. Vulnerability was just not my thing. So, I sat there, heart beating out my chest, knowing that I had something to share–something I needed to share, but I refused. The next night, before the vulnerability time even began, my heart was beating out my chest. After about an hour of wrestling with God again, I slowly made my way up to the front stage area and opened my heart up with my squad. I started with stories that my family liked to tell me about little-Ashley. So, little-Ashley used to talk A LOT. So much so that sometimes they could just sit her outside with the dogs, or beside a baby deer statue, and she would talk for hours on end. Then there were those times that little-Ashley would run up to the front of the church on Sunday mornings and start singing “Jesus Loves Me” in front of the whole church. 🙂 Somewhere along the line, little-Ashley stopped being so talkative…and eventually little-Ashley grew up, and began believing the lie that her words were of no importance, no value. Then, God started calling her to start sharing about Him with others, but she was afraid to–because to her, her words wouldn’t matter… That night, as she shared that part of her heart with her squad, the lie was finally brought into the light to be fought against with the truth, and her squad gathered around her to pray over her. <3
Month 3–The chain in month 3 that God broke me free of was my negative feelings towards legalism in the church. I had ZERO tolerance/grace for legalism. God broke me free from my hurt and hatred of legalism in the church, and softened my heart so that I could finally begin walking in healing. That was the beginning of my pursuit to find out who God really is, and who exactly I am in Him.
Month 4–The chain in month 4 that God broke me free of was my fear of speaking in front of people–mainly in feeling inadequate with sharing a message God put on my heart with groups of people in the villages, who were hungry to learn. So many insecurities were broken that month. He began to show me that, through Him, my words have value. He is the one directing my words when I share the things He puts on my heart, and His words have value. This was also the last time I would feel scared to say yes to sharing a message with a group of people.
Month 5–The chain in month 5 that God broke me free of was my desire/need to control my own life. It was throughout this month that God was asking me just how much I trusted Him and would be willing to follow Him. It was during this time that I made the decision and discovery that I would follow God through anything, even if that meant that I would never get married. That moment was one of the most freeing moments of my life–the moment I tasted of what it meant to have freedom in Him.
Month 6–The chain in month 6 that God broke me free of was my lack of belief in myself (and who God is calling me to be).
Month 7–The chain in month 7 that God broke me free of was my fear to walk in healing, my fear to take the next step.
Month 8–The chain in month 8 that God broke me free of was my independence. I learned that I can’t do things on my own–that that is one reason we have community, and that choosing to stop being stubborn and let God fight things for me is the best thing I can do.
Month 9–The chain in month 9 that God broke me free of was my inability to extend grace to myself.
Month 10–The chain in month 10 that God broke me free of was actually the lenses that I have viewed myself through for so long. They finally began to break down, and I was finally able to see beauty when I look at who I am.
Month 11–The chain in month 11 that God is breaking me free of is my uncomfortability in my own skin. I am learning what it feels like to be comfortable in my own skin and who God created me to be. I’m learning what it means to walk in that freedom! 🙂
With love,
Ash
