The Struggle is Real

If my soul had a traffic sign, it would say “under construction”. Welcome to my fourth month on Race.

My heart and mind have gone in so many different directions these past four months. Words like “intentional” “processing” and “feedback” have been added to my daily vocabulary. I’ve fumbled through the motions of living in community and packing my life into a 47 lb. bag in under 30 minutes.  It’s month four of my Race and I’m just scratching the surface of why God called me here. 

Recently, one of my team mates passed a book on to me called Every Bitter Thing is Sweet by Sarah Hagerty, and somewhere between the turning of pages the Lord met me, “I was convinced that, because the world around me was full of people who didn’t yet know Jesus, whose hearts needed to be won, I had to meet their needs. But that outward pouring also served a different purpose. It masked me, the one who wasn’t quite ready to be uncovered before the God-man I said yes to years before.” That’s me. Wrestling with the question “is God good to me?” and afraid to divulge too deeply into the answer because I’m afraid it will be “no”. 

 

I’m beginning to see how broken my view of God is.  I’ve created an economy of my own that exchanges my works for His love, and my imperfection for His rejection.  Without understanding the depth of it, I let my heart believe that God has favorites and I’m not one of them. My head knows these things are completely false, but my heart really believes them.

These months have brought me to this very strange, messy place. A place I’ve tried to avoid up until this point. If my schedule isn’t full, then I find ways to fill my mind with every thing other than the present. Never comfortable with the current circumstance, I find ways to retreat in avoidance. I’m realizing that I have been too afraid to sift through the recycle bin of my heart because I don’t trust God to meet me there. I’m afraid He’ll lead me back to the scary places I cringe to think about and leave me there to soak in my shame. You see, that journey of walking into those dark places terrifies me. There’s a huge part of me that feels so selfish for this internal battle because I didn’t leave home to fight it, I left home to be the hands and feet of Jesus, a person I realize now I don’t completely know or honestly trust. 

I left home because I knew there was more that God had for me and it wasn’t there. I still truly believe God called me here to this 11 month journey, but I’m learning it wasn’t for the reasons I had thought. He brought me here so that I could know Him as a Father, the only True Lover of my soul, and not a slave driver. He brought me here so that I could learn His love is strong enough to wrap itself around me even if I am angry and hurt and misunderstood. He brought me here because the “something more” is Himself and He loves me enough to call me out of my comfort and into this mess to find Him.

So I don’t write from a place of peace and contentment, but rather a place of suffering. I am writing from the dark place and trusting that His light will lead me through it. Following Him deep into this valley is the hardest place I’ve ever been spiritually, but I am trusting that He will carry me to the mountain top.  

So I’m showing you a little glimpse of my brokenness, I Ashley Slaughter do not have it all together. I am exposing my questions without having any clue about the answers.  There’s a freedom my heart knows exists on the other side of this place, so I’ll walk in the dark and wait expectantly for what He has for me.