Is it possible to be totally terrified and extremely excited at the same time? Because I am. World Race Training Camp is in 5 days and my heart is struggling to straddle the unpredictability of both those extremes.
When I was first accepted on The World Race, I thought to myself “oh wow, by the time Training Camp rolls around I’ll be a totally different person.” Don’t get me wrong, the Lord has definitely been working in my heart but “totally different person”? I think not.
Vulnerability still terrifies me, and I still worry my heart to the core sometimes. It’s difficult for me to talk about my struggles and feelings with people I’m close too, let alone people I will have never met before training camp. I was hoping to have conquered that fear by now, and yet it lingers still. What’s up with that? Didn’t God know that I needed that fixed by now? And what about the fact that I have no idea what to expect for the week of camp? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WORRY ABOUT ALL THE RIGHT THINGS? I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY ARE!
I’m a little scared that it’s time for this next step because it’s a reminder that in 3 months this will be happening for real. I will really be leaving my family and friends behind. I will really say goodbye to my favorite sophomore girls. I will really hang up my green apron for 11 months, and I will really cry so many tears after saying goodbye to all of the people I love here at home.
But in the same breath, I’m reminded that this is what I’m called to. This is terrifying because it’s not the plan that I would have dreamed up on my own, but it’s all the more exciting because I know that God did. God knows that I still am not a fan of the ugly cry face and being vulnerable. God knows that even though He is totally trustworthy, I still struggle with worry and fear. God sees me for who I am on my worst day and on my best and He still chose little old me for this journey. He didn’t “fix” the part of me that is scared to be painfully honest about what’s on my heart because His plans are far greater than mine. He didn’t give me an itinerary for camp because He knows me. He knows I would try to plan every possible detail, and control every little scary thing that could happen.
I know that this is just one of the many steps I’ll be taking on this journey but right now it feels a little bit huge. I am thankful that God doesn’t leave us in our worry and fear, and that his grace covers all of our inadequacies. I can’t wait to see what He has in store at training camp, and I know He will carry me through all the ugly cry faces.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7
