If you’ve known me for very long you’d know that I’ve always wanted to get married and have a family. If you’ve known me closely for very long you’d know that the “get married” part is what I’m most excited for. It has always been my dream to marry the man who asks my father’s permission, to say “I do” to him in a small intimate (yet completely fairy tale-esque) setting, and to live happily ever after.
There really is nothing wrong with that dream. The intentions are pure, and the desire is sweet. The timing however is a little off. Marriage is a good thing, but right now I’m called into a radical season of serving the Lord daily, living in raw community, doing life outside the country for almost a year. So this getting married dream kinda needs to take a seat. Funny thing is, Satan loves to compare two pure desires so that you find yourself out of breath and being swallowed into a sea of discontentment with your current circumstances.
That’s where I find myself tonight. Tossing worries around in my head about when and who and if God is ever going to give me a husband. As my Facebook timeline displays friends going from “in a relationship” to “engaged” and from “engaged” to “married” I have found myself concerned about my future. Worried that I’m one of the few “chosen” to be single for the rest of my life. Worried that wanting to be married someday makes me seem needy or bland. The worry goes on as the chatterbox in my brain keeps spouting lies until my head is spinning.
I know it seems a little strange for a missionary to be posting about her fear for the future (especially marriage), instead of some great story about how she took care of an orphan, or loved on a widow. This is real life though, people. Surprise! Before the Race I was just your average 21 year old girl, pulling shots at Starbucks, and dreaming that maybe one day prince charming would walk through the door. Now I’m here in Costa Rica to tell people about the beautiful love story that Jesus has for them, and I still have my head in the clouds hoping to brush shoulders with the dude I’m going to marry.
In the midst of the worry, and chatter, and lies, I have decided on one deeply rooted truth. God knows the desires of my heart, He is a good Father, He will give me what I need when I need it. He’s got what I need, so in Him I’ll lay my trust. I will remain in Him and be satisfied in the love story He has written for this 11 month period of my life. Just me and Him. I’ve decided to trust, and wait, and choose contentment. In the mean time, I wrote this letter.
Letter to my Beloved,
Right now I need you to know that I’m not ready for you. The idea of you sounds like a dream, but my heart needs to do some healing before I can love you the way you deserve to be loved. I dream about slow dancing with you on the rooftop at sunset. I wonder how it will feel to hear you whisper sweet nothings in my ear. I eagerly await seeking after the Lord with you. I don’t want us to live a comfortable life with fancy trimmings of religion. I long for us to always see life as an adventure, letting the Lord guide us and shape us along the journey. I believe that for us. I believe we will be a couple who lives messy because we do life in the rawest sense. Ripping away the trappings of death disguised as sin in its most seductive forms in exchange for a life drenched in real love. The kind that does instead of says. The kind that doesn’t quit. The kind that believes when the chances are slim.
I know we are bound for hard times, but my prayer for us is that we will persevere through the trials because the joy of the Lord is our strength. I can’t wait to be your wife and love you in the deepest sense, but I need you to love me too. I need you to remind me of my God given identity when the struggle is real and Im ugly crying. I need you to adore me like Christ adores the church. I need you to point me to Jesus everyday for the rest of my days. I am trusting you for that. Not “in turn” because my love for you will be as unconditional as humanly possible, I promise to respect you as a mighty man of God. I promise to love you when you are difficult to love, and encourage you when you need to hear truth. Not by my own abilities but by the love and strength Christ will give us to make this thing work. I don’t know you yet, but I’m trusting God with our marriage.
Right now, I am letting myself learn to be loved. I don’t yet know how to receive it and believe in its sencerity. So I’m sorry you have to wait a while to know me as your wife. I don’t want you to be married to someone who treats you like a wrongdoer because she doesn’t believe in the genuine nature of love. I’m working on forgiving the people who have hurt me in the past. In order to defend myself I have put up walls of jaded expectations and a cynical perspective to keep my heart safe. I’m asking the Lord to revive the innocent little girl in my heart. The one who believes- I mean really believes in Prince Charming and sunset dances on the roof. The one who loves without pretense, who knows of her worth given to her by her heavenly Father. The one who remembers that she is a princess so that she isn’t solely reliant on you to give her that worth and identity. The weight of that burden is too heavy for you to carry, so me and Jesus are working it out first.
I can’t wait to meet you, handsome. I’m praying for you.
-Ash
