My whole life I have struggled with the feeling of not being heard. At a young age I began believing the lies of the enemy. That no one cared about what I had to say and no one wanted to listen. Middle and high school were rough because I was always comparing myself to my friends. Everyone was more popular, prettier, smarter and more athletic than me. I was always around people but never felt like anyone was listening. I started to hold that lie to be truth in my life.
Fast forward to training camp for the World Race. BAM! I met 50 new friends. People who loved me, cared for me and I felt like they wanted to hear what I had to say. On more than one occasion I felt like the Holy Spirit was literally speaking through me and was giving me the words that these people really needed to hear. I was excited to use my voice in a way I had never experienced.
Then came India. My time in India was probably the hardest month of my life. Trying to jive with my team AND the three other teams we were living with was rough. I felt left out on many occasions and never really felt like doing anything about it. Instead of using the voice I found at training camp, I again began to listen to the enemy.
One night during debrief I heard the Lord speak to me. (Debrief is a time for us to get together as a squad, talk about the previous month and to relax and be refreshed. This happens at the end of month 1, 4, 8 and 11.) That night one of our coaches basically told us if we needed some extra love from the Lord to stand up and someone would pray for you. So I stood in a line among some of my squad mates and waited for someone. Eventually a friend came and prayed for me. When she was finished we hugged and sorta separated. People were still praying so I went to look out over the ledge. I began to ask the Lord to bring someone to pray for me. No one came. At all. I began to get a little frustrated with the Lord. Why aren’t you bringing me anyone to pray for me? It’s not a bad thing… I immediately heard Him say “I am here. You pray to me. You do not need anyone else.” I then realized that I have put way too much weight on talking to other people and the need to be heard. Instead of talking to God enough, or at all about some situations.
Fast forward again to our first week of ministry in Nepal. Since that night at debrief I have been praying to the Lord more consistently than I ever have before. Pretty much constant contact. It’s pretty cool. But I started to feel with my team and squad that they weren’t listening. I can’t exactly run away like I normally would at home so instead I just get frustrated. I continuously tell myself it’s not personal, that they do love me. But it’s still hard at times. So last night I was laying in bed very sad. I didn’t feel heard at all. I went to the Lord again, frustrated and confused. Why does this keep happening? I thought I found my voice at training camp. I thought these people wanted to hear what I had to say. IMMEDIATELY I heard the Lord basically yelling “I HEAR YOU ASHLEY. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY. TELL ME. PLEASE. I’M BEGGING YOU.”
What a revelation. One I am embarrassed to say I haven’t realized before. I have been a Christian my whole life and I am just now realizing that the Lord wants to hear what I have to say. Not only does He want to but He cares about what I have to say. He wants to hear about my day, my frustrations, my joys, my confusions, my anxieties, all the things.
1 John 5:14 says, “This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.” HE HEARS US. It says it right there in the bible. Who else do I need to talk to? Who else can give me joy, peace, love like Him? Who cares more about what I have to say than Him?
This is a new revelation I’m walking in. One I have obviously heard my whole life but one I am realizing in His perfect timing. I am so excited to be walking in this Truth, excited to tell the Lord about everything, and excited to see what He has to say back.
I no longer have to worry about the world listening to me because the only One who matters cares about every word I have to say.
