Hey, don’t write yourself off yetIt’s only in your head you feel left out or looked down on
Just try your best
Try everything you can
And don’t you worry what they tell themselves when you’re away
It just takes some time
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all right
– The Middle, Jimmy Eat World
Happy early birthday to me, people! I turn a whole twenty four years tomorrow. Crazy right? I feel so young and old all at once. It reminds me how weird the idea of time really is. It also lets in a lot of lies from Satan that I am supposed to “be something” by now. That at this mid 20s range, that I should “have my life more together” or something. I don’t know. As much as I love my life and all the traveling and living by faith that it calls for, I still fight the pressures of America and the materialism and wacky social standards that I am just not built for. I don’t let those thoughts plague me for too long, cause they are silly. I am right where I am supposed to be. Wherever this is.
The middle.
I guess that’s where I’m at.
And what an interesting place to be. Have you noticed that people never post pictures of themselves in the middle of something? We are so excited to show off our new house AFTER it is remodeled and cleaned and perfect. Or we flaunt our pictures at then end of our weight loss journey. We love showing people the pictures of us triumphantly standing at the top of the mountain. But how many pictures have you seen of the house in shambles and in the midst of construction? I have not seen the pictures of someone sweaty and exhausted and struggling through a workout after eating lettuce and cardboard for lunch. Where are the shots of the group halfway through the hike? Where they might be thirsty and stinky and maybe even lost. That’s not a typical image. That’s not what we want to see. That’s not what we want to be reminded of.
Last week I helped lead an Adventures Youth trip to Puerto Rico. On Sunday morning, BEFORE we went to a church service I would only half understand, we went for a hike. This was not your average hike, though. I would classify it more as an intensive ladder climb up root, rock and mud. But once we got to the top, my throbbing thighs didn’t matter any longer. My exasperated breaths couldn’t compare to that view.
So what did I do about it? Did I take a bunch of pictures of me covered in dirt, almost in tears and gulping down water the whole climb up? Nope, although I wish I did. Instead, I so ‘humbly’ posed on the peak. Displaying my will to overcome, or whatever. But maybe what it actually displayed was my lack of transparency and an over abundance of pride.
I want to figure out what this whole transparent leadership thing looks like.
How to not demand authority but just walk in the Lord’s.
I want to be open and vulnerable about this trying and testing, difficult, “praising him in the middle of the hallway cause it seems like all of the doors are closed, but that’s okay cause God loves me” kinda place that I find myself in.
Cause I feel like I am not the only one in the middle of confusion and struggle. In fact, I KNOW that I am not. So let’s just be open about it. I’ll admit that I have no freakin idea how to fix any of this or how to keep a smiling face when you’re stuck in the dark tunnel… but its what we got. Its where I am. And I know God’s got me. So that’s all I really need to know.
And maybe I’ll try and take more “in the middle” kind of pictures too. Cause that’s where the beauty is. That part after the start, after the beginning, but not quite done yet. That’s he good stuff. That’s what I want. That’s what I want to be about.
