Continued from “Now I Know – Getting Unstuck” 
I had come home from a World Race staff dinner on Tuesday night. Kayla was journaling and having some chill time when I arrived, so I grabbed my book and sat on the couch opposite her. I had been reading “The Shack” and it was sparking some good conversations with the Lord. As I read that night, the chapter talked about responsibilities and expectations. In the book, God tells the main character that He doesn’t have any expectations of Him. Why would He if He already knew everything in advance? So, because He had no expectations of the guy, the guy couldn’t really disappoint Him. Well… wow.
How incredibly simple and yet totally different from the way I lived my life. What I had determined to be true in my heart was the complete opposite of what I had just read and it instantly rocked my world. I just sat in stunned silence… tears coming to the surface. As I sat there and mulled things over in my head, the Holy Spirit made things “click.” All of a sudden I just knew. The pieces came together. This was it. This was the answer I had been searching for! All the expectations I had put on myself led to failure and that led to fear and false beliefs all-around… and BAM! I’m stuck at Kmart. Now I know.
At this point, I just want to celebrate. The light is shining on what has been in the dark for 3 years. It’s all out in the open. It’s all in my journal. I want everybody to know my story. I’m not ashamed. I’m free like I haven’t been in a years. I’m done with holding myself back with stupid expectations and beliefs about what and where I’m supposed to be. I’m done with letting the enemy steal my hopes and dreams. I’m free to go out and help stop AIDS from overrunning Africa or free to work in an office and share the truth of God’s grace and love with tons of missions trip applicants who want to go and love the world. I can do either in full confidence that I’m equipped and loved by Him. What more do I really need?
God has been so faithful through this entire journey. I’ve been broken for a while now, but He has been slowly molding me and shaping me for the next season of my life. It hasn’t been easy. Many of you may not know any of this because I’ve tried so hard to hold it all in and look like I’ve got it all together. Still, He knew
my heart was hurting. He knew I had taken the bait of Satan. He loved me enough to reach down and put me in a community that encouraged and spoke truth over me. The Lord has turned this all around and has cleared the road to a bright and hopeful future where I get to love and be loved no matter what. It’s a great place to be and I’m more excited than ever about what’s next.
I had ended my World Race with a blog about being “On the Edge” of something great and being willing to jump into the open arms of Jesus… perhaps I’m finally really there. I’m at least finally okay with the fact it may have taken me 3 years to get here. The truth is that no matter where you are at in life, looking over the edge is scary. When I was on that bridge that day, getting ready to bungee jump, I was nervous about “jumping right.” The girl who went right before me got to the edge, looked over, got scared out of her mind, and just kind of…. fell. It was an ugly jump. Until I saw her fall over the edge, I hadn’t been worried about the kind of jump I made off the edge. I feel like that’s where I’ve been in life these past couple of years. I knew really diving off the edge and trusting in Him would be a little scary, especially if the leap was big… but I’ve been standing back and worrying what my jump would look like to everybody else. I wanted to get it right. That’s not important to me anymore. God has freed me from making a “pretty jump.” He just wants my heart to be willing to jump, He’ll do the rest of the work.
