What is going on with Ashley Musick these days? I suppose a lot of people have been wondering. It’s been a long time since I have blogged. Still… this isn’t one of those update blogs that really only gives you the highlights. It’s been two and a half years since I started the World Race, and I’m just now processing parts of the journey. So, here is my heart. It’s raw. It’s vulnerable. This has been my life for the past three years. This is my World Race journey. This is how God has been at work. Hopefully at the end you can san say, “Now I know.” That’s where I’m at.
Let’s go back to the summer of 2005. I had led an Ambassador Trip with AIM to India. I was already signed up for the very first World Race. I was fresh from graduating with honors at Emmanuel College and I was ready to change the world. I felt empowered and equipped and couldn’t wait to see what God was doing all over the world and join in on some big part of the plan. That’s when it happened. Something snapped. All the way through the World Race, my time at home and at K-mart, and even this past year at AIM, I’ve been different. I have lived like a completely different person than the empowered, equipped, and eager college graduate. I’ve spent the last year realizing this and trying to answer the question, “Why?”
If I were going to be open and honest, and I feel God has been stressing that I need to do that more often, I would say that I have been passionless…wimpy…faithless… and hopeless for the past few years. I lacked the confidence in me that was necessary to accomplish just about anything. I didn’t start to recognize this until probably one year ago (Sept. ’07). I’ve tried to trace it back and knew sometime after August of 2005 when I led that India team…something caused this to happen.
Why? How? What? This week I got my answer and I want to share it with you.
Wow. Now I know.
This change in my life, whether you’ve been around to see it or not, or if I’ve bothered to let you in on it, has all been caused by one thing. Expectations.
I had all the faith, courage, passion, and abilities to do whatever I wanted after college. I FOUND a piece of my purpose leading that India team and I came ALIVE. I went home and I planned to go on the World Race. I lived with my mom and dad. In between preparing to go on The World Race and actually getting to the airport, I had to get a job. I landed a crummy 3rd shift job at Wal-Mart. It wasn’t exactly where I pictured a college graduate who was passionate about serving people and the Lord spending their time. My preconceived notions of what a college ministry graduate, leader, and missionary were supposed to be didn’t quite add up to the reality of my life. This wasn’t where I had planned or expected to be after college.
I still remember the day I put on the Wal-Mart smock for the first time. “How May I Help You,” was written in big letters on the back. It was like a brick was laid in place… in the path to the future I expected to have. It was the first of many. The load and burden seemed to get a little heavier each time I went to work. It was hard not to feel like a failure when your friends from high s
chool came through your checkout line. Humbling… that’s what they call it when a 4.0 honor graduate has to look in the eyes of their classmates from behind a cash register. The expectations I had for myself were different. I didn’t seem to be measuring up. Support raising for the World Race wasn’t going so well and around the holidays, just before the start of the trip, I had almost given up.
God heard my plea for mercy and on January 1st I saw a glimmer of hope. The World Race was still a possibility. Some money had come in at the last minute. This was my chance to finally get back on track! I thought that through this trip I could validate myself – my degree – everything I expected of myself might be attainable by going on this trip. I had been a crummy, purposeless person at Walmart, but I might be able to earnthe right to be used for the Kingdom again if I went on The World Race. Those thoughts just set up the expectation that I could get past any personal failures I had made so far by going out and “doing” something for the Lord.
On January 7th, 2006 – I started doing. I eased back into ministry and missions during month #1 in Mexico. I just went along with everyone else and enjoyed the ride. By the time we got to Guatemala I had found my stride. I even tried to step it up a notch. I was pushing so hard that I started to meet resistance from my teammates. They felt that they were “doing” enough and I just wasn’t content with that the few empty holes in our daily schedule. I remember the team meeting where I cried in frustration. Back then I’m not sure I knew why I was crying. Now I know. Expectations.
And so the failures continued. I couldn’t “do” enough in ministry. I couldn’t keep my team or squad focused and unified. I immediately took a step back for fear of failing even more.
No responsibilities = no failures.
My faith and courage began to falter and I tried to cling to what was left.
Month #3 in China sucked. It wasn’t just the fact that it was cold, the culture was completely different, or I had a terrible cough… I had given up on “doing more” for the Lord to “earn” my way back to where I was supposed to be because it wasn’t working.
In month #4 we went to Thailand. I just coasted through. I sat back and watched others struggle with some unmet expectations with AIM, their World Race experience, ministry opportunities, and ministry contacts. That wasn’t me though. I wasn’t worried about what I expected of others or my experience. I was totally concerned with what I expected of myself and I just couldn’t seem to make the cut.
In May I continued to coast through. I admitted defeat. I wasn’t all I was cracked up to be. Satan saw his opportunity and took it a step further. The “what-if” expectations began. “What if I fail this person or ministry? What if I fail my supporters? My team?” I played it safe so I wouldn’t screw up even more. I put up a great façade of humor and smiles. On the inside, the heavy bricks of expectations built up a wall that towered so high I couldn’t connect with the expectancy and hope I had once had for my future.
In June 2006 I started seeking the Lord’s face because I knew something was different. Something that wasn’t good was slowly developing in my heart and I couldn’t pin point exactly what it was. I didn’t look forward. I looked back to the past. As I was looking back on things in my life, I didn’t get a hope for the future. I saw my failures and the need to do better. So I came out of that month and chose to settle for something less than I expected so the disappointment didn’t hurt so bad.
Month #7 in Bosnia was a month of separation. If other people weren’t close enough to see me, then they wouldn’t see me fail. I wouldn’t fall short of meeting my expectations or anybody else’s if I stayed out of sight and out of mind. I spent my time loving a little girl named Ivana. It was a victory for the Kingdom, but I had to stay on the dock as she got on the ferry to leave camp. The spark in my heart slowly faded away.
By August I was fed up. In Turkey and Egypt I started to take some risks with my life and ministry. I stepped out even though there was the possibility of failure. I guess I figured there wasn’t much to lose at this point. Why not? In Kenya and South Africa I put forth an effort. I finished “strong.” By this I mean it was better than the middle that sucked and was lazy and effortless and better than the beginning that was maimed and forgotten after the horrible middle.
I had settled and I knew it. Every once in a while I did a good thing. There were small successes along the way. Still, I knew there was more in me. I had more to offer. It’s just that the full picture was all hazy and blocked out. By the end of the
final debrief “pep talks,” I gave my ceremonious leap off the edge. I believed that after all of this I was probably ready for the uncertainties that loomed in my future. While I hadn’t quite lived up to my expectations, there was the possibility that I had something to offer the great big world and all its problems. I had at least seen them face-to-face over the year. Certainly the wall of expectations couldn’t get bigger. I dared to dream those last couple of weeks on The World Race. I didn’t see Satan lurking around the corner waiting to shut me down completely. Now I know.
Continued in “Now I Know – Life After The Race”
