I don’t remember how I heard the news or how I reacted in the moment. I don’t think it was overly dramatic or excessively emotional. It seemed surreal. I felt detached, from the situation and from her, until I walked into the coffee shop and saw her face two nights before she would leave the race to go home early to fight by her dad’s side.
Cancer.
Stage four.
No initiation site located.
As soon as I saw her, the 54,234 things I was confident I would be able to encourage her with fell to the floor-large, wet, and uncontrollable. Heaving, gut wrenching, soul aching tears emptied as I tried to conjure up something, anything, to let her know it was all going to be ok. All I could do was cry and then awkwardly walk away without saying a word because, clearly, nothing else was going to be accomplished in that moment. Sara Katherine left two days later, never hearing an encouraging word uttered from me.
Fasting was not something I had ever really done before the race and, honestly, not something I entirely understood. I had a pretty significant prayer request during month three of the race and wanted clarity more than I wanted anything else…food included (which, if you know me at all, you know that’s a pretty big deal). God responded after two and a half days of fasting. Loudly. He gave me exactly what I had asked for- something that involved A LOT of other people and could ONLY have been an act of God. Once again, I felt Him asking me to seek Him through a fast for Sara Katherine and her dad. The first day revealed nothing earthshattering. I didn’t have detailed visions or prophetic dreams, only a few verses to remind her of how our God is in the business of the impossible.
The second day our ministry schedule was a little different than usual. We were serving during the day shift at the coffee shop instead of our usual night 4pm-10pm shift. It was pretty uneventful. After my 43rd game of Bananagrams, I snuck away to spend some time in worship. I sat on the floor with my head in my hands singing, sobbing, and snotting as The Lord led me through the emotions of hurt, pain, anger, confusion, compassion, doubt, and then finally to His voice:
I know she is hurting. I am hurting, too. I know he is in pain. I am in pain, too. I do not delight in his sickness, but walk alongside him through it. Ask Me. Trust Me. Believe in Me.
I continued to fast through church the next day. The message that morning was spot on. The pastor was teaching from the book of Habakkuk. Whether this was his intended message or not, I’ll never know, but God spoke powerfully to my heart that morning about trusting Him. I realized I hadn’t been specific when I began the fast. What exactly had I been petitioning Him for? Was it comfort? Was it healing? Was it peace? I realized how I had fearfully been limiting God's abilities to MY faith, rather than trusting in HIS power and ability. Then again His voice…
Fast with purpose and petition. Tell me what You want from me and I will give it to You. If you want healing for her dad, ask boldly…and then TRUST that I will accomplish what is best. Do not be afraid. Do not let fear in my response keep you from asking. If I told you the great things I am doing, you still wouldn't believe. Trust Me.
I wanted to do something special for Mr. Braucher from our squad; something to lift his spirits a bit. So I decided to put together a video with as many people from our squad involved as possible. In the process of filming, God shared with me another way that I could display His compassion for us, as well as honor Mr. Braucher. It was no coincidence that Mr. Braucher’s last day of treatment fell on the last day I would spend with my dad during Parent Vision week in India.
Mr. Braucher, I hope this video brings some light and joy in to the dark days you’ve been trudging through. We are with you. He is with you. Our hope is in Him. We love you!
