My Broken Heart

 

One of the woman on the team I am with this month asked another teammate this question. 

 

 

This question got my wheels turning and I started to talk to God about this. 

 

As I was processing through this question, something I had read previously, popped in my head. It was about the definition of “passion” which in Latin means to “suffer.”

And I realized all of my passions stem from something I have personally “suffered” through. 

 

With all the injustice and brokenness in the world, we look at it and ask God why and He shows us that we are His hands and feet here on earth to fight these things. Maybe, why is the wrong question to ask Him. Maybe, we need to stop asking why and ask Him how He can use us for change and love.

 

 

To answer the original question “what breaks my heart”, well, what breaks my heart is me a year ago. Living 25 years and not really knowing who God really is. Yes, I grew up in a Presbyterian community most of my life but that isn’t what I’m talking about. I’m not talking about a religion. I’m talking about the ALIVE and ACTIVE God that I have been able to intimately experience over this past year and a half. Im talking about a personal relationship with Jesus. 

 

I’m not talking about a church that consists of a building you go to on Sunday’s but a church that consists of a body of believers that do life together. That live out the gospel in their everyday life and call each other higher and push each other into deeper communion with God. The church that welcomes any and all people and doesn’t discriminate based on where you come from and where you have been. But spreads Jesus’s love and grace over them and allows people to experience something different about this church and ignites something in them to want more of our loving Father. 

 

What breaks my heart is that this isn’t just my story but it is the majority of my generations story. Only 4% of my generations is said to continue pursuing their faith after leaving their parents household. 

How is it that I grew up in the church but I had never really experienced the intimate love of my Heavenly Father. How is that I grew up in the church but never heard them talk about the Holy Spirit? Before Jesus was crucified He says ” and He will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever – the spirit of truth.” Jesus even said that the spirit would be even greater than him. He continues to say “you will do far more than me” how is this? How can I do more than Jesus? It’s through the authority of the Holy Spirit that is in us. 

But the gifts of the Holy Spirit aren’t talked about. Its like the taboo topic that people are scared to talk about. It’s a tangible way for people to experience Jesus, but we aren’t talking about it… Or living it out? 

 

What breaks my heart is watching people stray away from Jesus because of what they’ve experienced through “religion.” By “religion” I mean only going to church on Sundays, putting God in a box, just trying to get to heaven, a heartless obedience to a system of rules because someone told you it was the right thing to do. 

But we are no longer bound by the law but we are free by grace. WE ARE FREE exactly as we are right now. There is nothing we can do today or tomorrow that will make God love us anymore than He already does. 

What if we lived our lives knowing we are already accepted? Accepted by the creator of the universe. No longer seeking the approval of others or society but being firmly rooted in Christ. He asks us to love Him with all of our hearts and love one another. Not to live by doing good works to climb the religious ladder. 

 

What breaks my heart is reflecting on my life and feeling condemnation, shame, and judgement by my “Christian community” which ultimately turned me away from my faith. Yes, I am a sinner and I mess up. But if that wasn’t true would I really need a Savior? In all my brokenness, God doesn’t say “there you go messing up again, you’ll never get it right.” He lays down with me on the bathroom floor and says, “you are my chosen one and I will never turn my back on you, my beloved child.”

 

What breaks my heart is that I almost got trapped in the “American Dream mentality.” Living in a society that doesn’t “need” a Savior because we are able to fill our discontentment or hurt with things. So why would we need dependence on God? 

Go to college, get your masters, get a good job so that you can have a nice apartment with a nice car, then find someone and get married. And no, I’m not saying anything is wrong with having any of these things but what I’m saying is without God at the center of these things we are going to live on this hamster wheel of accumulating things and living for the next “high” whether that is to travel to the next destination or get the nicer home or better job. No matter where you are and how much you have, what can you take with you from this life anyways? The grass is always greener, we always want a little more because none of it fills us to the brim, except with Jesus, where the grass is lush and abounding consistently and there’s never less. Living for the next best thing is a good way to wish your life away and not seeing the beauty in each moment of life. What breaks my heart is living in a society that doesn’t know why we need dependence on the Lord. 

 

What breaks my heart is reflecting on my life and seeing all the ways I tried to find my identity in sports, boyfriends, friends or jobs. Not knowing I already had an identity that was deeply and uniquely loved. And again it breaks my heart that this isn’t just my story but so many other people’s. 

 

A friend gave me this quote, 

 

 

So through my personal suffering of the things I talked about it in this blog, God turned them into passions and set my soul on fire for my generation and the next to truly experience and know who God truly is. A God that is a Father and is interested in knowing his precious children and won’t turn His back on them. A Father that isn’t bound to Sunday’s or to the boxes we try and put Him in. A Father who’s love knows no boundaries and will make you feel more alive than anything here on earth can.