Abandoning the Act

I was sitting on a remote island that took 2 hours on a little boat to get to while someone was bailing out water to assure the boat wouldn’t sink. The sun had been beating on us all day as we crowded together trying to cover our faces from the swarming flies and the hot sun to have our team time when this question was presented to me. 

 

 

 

Surprisingly, this question really convicted me at the time. I didn’t think in that moment it would hit me so hard due to our circumstances of having little to no options for meals and getting off the island until our four days were done there. I looked around at the locals that lived on this island and all I saw were the biggest smiles and generous hearts. 

 

 

I looked around and saw a son laying in his dad’s lap in a hammock that has holes in it and they are laughing and making jokes. 

 

It hit that I’ve lived this life of entitlement and selfishness without even really knowing it. I felt like I was a pretty giving person but as a flood of emotions and thoughts were racing through my head while I was taking everything in around me I realized some unattractive qualities about myself. 

 

After we worked each day, we got to go for a swim in the lake to cool off. We would laugh and just take in the beautiful scenery around us. We then would get called in that our meal was ready. We would run up, eat the food the women had been preparing for us all day in a hot kitchen and then I would think to myself, I need more or I wish I had this instead. Later realizing this is exactly the ugly parts of myself. Living selfishly that what these people had to offer me wasn’t enough. 

 

 

 

 

It didn’t cross my mind when I signed up for the race I would be sharing with my squad mates and my supporters the ugly side of myself. I don’t like admitting to myself, let alone the public, about these sides of me but I also know that by showing these sides of myself it creates space for vulnerability and not superficial relationships. Letting go of “the act” of needing to be perfect and having it altogether finally ends. I know I’m just in the baby phase of this process but there is so much freedom already in showing all sides of myself and knowing I will be loved through it.

 

As we got off the boat we jumped off into the water and held our bags above the water. The pastor opened his 2 bedroom shack for us to sleep in. His wife cooked us every meal and freely gave what little they had. We had rice and beans for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. We were the second group from our squad to go on this island and we got word that we should bring snacks with us. We did longs days of manual labor helping build a church for the little island. 

 

I offered our squad leader some of our teams snacks but then she shared how she is trying to live content with what the island offers us. 

 

I live in this constant state of want and never make room for God to ever fully satisfy me or give me contentment. It’s with simple things like When’s my next meal or snack even when I’m eating in the moment but this cycle happens with others things too. My next trip or my next relationship, constantly living in want and in the future. 

 

I realized I miss the now and being content with what I have in the moment. Through all of this it also hit me how truly blessed I am but the things I have been given so freely can be taken away just as quickly too. 

 

I have this tight grip on things I call “mine.” My family, friends, materialistic things, or food. I hold onto these with my hands wrapped around them holding on so tightly.

 

The next morning I prayed on how to even begin the process to lessen my grip on my family and other things. My family means more than anything to me in the world and I realized if something did happen to them I don’t know what I would do with myself. I’ve tried to help and fix my friends and family but I’m realizing through the surrendering process God can do far more in just a day then I could do over the course of my life. 

 

I’ve challenged myself this month to abandon my pride meaning letting go of the act of having it all together all the time and always being the helper and really letting people love me through the hard and ugly things. 

 

I’m abandoning my tight grip on my family and releasing the control to God. I know they are much better in His hands than anything I could do. And lastly I’m letting go of control and walking along side people not trying to fix them. People don’t need fixing they just need know that it’s okay to be human and that they are worth sitting next to during the struggles too.