This has been a process for me these past four months. Coming into the race I expected to grow in areas like public speaking and learning what ministry really looks like. I never imagined discovering myself. God had to do a work in me before I could fulfill my destiny.
Emotionally healthy spirituality is about reality, not denial or illusion.
-Peter Scazzero
Before coming on the Race I had lived my life the way I thought a Christian was supposed to. I always had things together, worked hard, and was constantly ready to help others. Communication and openness was not something that came naturally for me. Often times, I pushed my feelings aside to the point that I no longer was able to recognize them or put words to them. I was living a life of false humility and service to my God. Life was passing; I was going nowhere.
God brought me to a place of recognition – recognition of my thoughts towards myself. For the longest time, I suppressed my feeling because I thought they weren’t valid or important. I was in self-denial and there were bigger problems than what met the eye. Just to name a few: I felt ashamed for not living up to expectations I placed on myself, I compared myself to others, I was afraid of being rejected, I felt I couldn’t do what God was asking me to due to a lack of Biblical knowledge and felt I couldn’t remember things like I thought I should – I was afraid of FAILING. The Bible says that “my people perish from a lack of knowledge…” (Hosea 4:6). It wasn’t until I was able to acknowledge my thoughts that I realized my identity was built on a foundation of lies.
The first step to “recovery” was admitting that I had a problem. Once that happened, this allowed God to start tearing down those lies and replacing them with His truth. He led me to Psalm 139 that where it says His thoughts towards me cannot be numbered. I was starting to see myself in the eyes of my Father. He loves me, He is preparing me, He has made me unique, He has given me knowledge, and He sees me as His daughter – not as a failure. God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called. Though we will never reach perfection here in this life, God is asking us to walk in a life of freedom, abundance, and holiness in Him. There should never be a point in your life where you are not growing. Life is a process; start living it!
Not only have I been able to know myself, I have been able to share that deepest darkest secret that I was determined before to take to my grave. I was never going to think about and certainly not tell anyone else! God had different plans!
You may be thinking, why you would ever do something like that! Well, for me, it was about control. Protecting the person I used to be, not fully living in the forgiveness and grace that Christ has given. If I was going to allow God to shape and mold me, He had to cleanse me, and I had to relinquish control. The Bible says in James 5:16 to “confess your sins one to another and pray for one another that you may be healed.” Often times it is our nature as humans to never speak ill of ourselves in fear of being judged or condemned, but I no longer had an excuse. God placed me in a group of loving women who encouraged me every step of the way. They did not judge me. They knew too, that our pasts are past, and it is only a testament to where God has brought us from in a world of sin and desolation.
For 25 minutes my team sat around me, urging me to speak up, and finally I DID! The funny thing is, when you make that confession publically, there is freedom. I walked away from that night feeling at peace. I had confidence in myself and my ability to make an impact in my life and in the lives of those around me.
Take some time and reflect on your life. Ask yourself who you say you are then ask God who He says you are. Write it down. Share it with someone. Get to know yourself. Walk in FREEDOM and DON’T LOOK BACK!
