God showed me something really cool this month. Another fear that had been cycling it’s way through my life. It’s kind of related to the fear I wrote about in Haiti, fear of being rejected. I’m an external processor so as I was sharing with my team leader how I didn’t really feel like I was being filled emotionally by my new team God has placed me on, He spoke to me. The whole time I knew it wasn’t something my team needed to do but, it was on me. I knew it was something God needed to work out in me but until I expressed it with words, out loud, I didn’t process it. God woke me up with the sun the next morning and spoke to me. I got my journal out and started writing out what God was teaching me, what mistakes I had made in the past with my own thoughts or expectations I had placed on others.
God showed me this morning, this is a cycle in my life. I don’t feel like people want to talk to me or invest in my life all because of one or two people. Sometimes I would call friends to share struggles and they would be busy or wouldn’t call me back. It happened a couple of times maybe, but I let the fear control the rest of my life. When I moved to Ohio, I thought I had overcome it but I never really worked through the fear. I just picked a couple people I knew would have time for me and clung to them. I am beyond thankful for those friendships and they are some of the strongest I’ve had in my life but what I didn’t realize is that I didn’t actually deal with my fear, I just masque it. Here I am on the race wondering why I can’t get close to anyone and why no one is seeking me out. You see, when I expressed this feeling to a former teammate, she told me it’s a two way street. I can also be the one that seeks relationship with others. Seems easy enough, right? Why am I sitting here, two months later, feeling the same way? Because I didn’t realize it was a fear holding on. A fear that maybe they won’t want to talk? what if they don’t have time? What if I don’t know what to say? They say they want to talk, but never follow through. What will we talk about? Perhaps they aren’t interested in getting to know me but they don’t want to tell me? These are all deep rooted fears that aren’t healthy. Those things don’t matter because it’s not about me. If I go into this wondering what I can get out, I’ll never be satisfied. What if I go in asking what I can give? How much more would I be able to be free of the fear? The reality is, no one is going to tell me they don’t want to spend time with me. If I go in seeking God’s will, nothing bad can come from it. Here’s to no more fear. I’m ready to take this new perspective head on. No more pretending, no more fake love given out. No more FEAR. ALL LOVE!
After reading that last sentence you’re probably thinking, “fake love?” It confused me too because I know I am good at loving people. When I go into conversations, trying to figure out what I can get out, that’s not genuine. That’s fake. I’m done living with that mentality.
This is one of many things God worked with me on this month. He is a patient, gentle, and understanding Father and I’m so grateful for that.
