Slumped into a chair, I take a deep breath and look over the Nile. Long bus rides in Africa leave much room for the brain to run wild, and my brain has been working overtime on one particular subject. I mulled over it as we journeyed from Tanzania and into Uganda. They are fragments at best, but these are my thoughts in the middle of Africa.
It started at the beginning of the race, this issue of friends and social interactions, as I have written of previously in a blog but was unfortunately not the end of my mental or experiential musings. Month 7 in Tanzania was flooded with thoughts like I don’t have any real friends on this trip and that everyone I know is so surface level. Why is no one willing to get deep with anyone else, or at least me?
I know those sort of questions carry around weight that’s self involved, skewed and a bit ridiculous but I can’t help but arrive at conclusions of the like.
It’s also wrapped up in the fact that I’m defensive, sensitive and dwell on things entirely too much.
sometimes I just want to bust out crying.
I hate the fake, I hate the games.
I hate that I can’t escape my own brain.
I feel trapped by myself without knowing how to free me.
We all have faults and it would seem that mine really repel people.
I’ve heard that I’m intimidating.
Three days prior, we were in a hotel room in Dar es Salaam, Tanzania on our way to Nairobi in transit to Uganda. I had a minor issue with a teammate that rolled into a few hour long discussion of the issues our entire team has with each other.
One of my teammates told me about an old issue that doesn’t bare much repeating. The short of it is the old issue became relevant when she mentioned that she sometimes doesn’t trust me when bringing up issues because of how I reacted in that instance. I was stunned to first heard about this mistrust 4 months after it happened.
Maybe I’ve created a monster of myself that nobody wants to be around. I suppose that’s entirely possible.
But then again, am I not just as screwed up as the next person? Do I suffer in silence, does everyone? Am I unique in this?
I have been told that the intimidation thing may come from me being good at the things I know, smart in them, and being a bit headstrong and opinionated. People have said that they don’t want me to see their pictures or maybe talk about certain musical things around me because of inadequacy or feeling a bit lesser. This breaks my heart. I would love to share knowledge that I’ve gained in my field. I can’t if most are too afraid to let me see that side of themselves.
I hate that we as people always think of ourselves first. If there’s a problem, I’m right. If it’s an opinion, I’m right. When I’m trying to figure out my problems, other people may be to blame (which is selfish and me first too), and I’ll probably just end up thinking I’m the one terminally screwed up. Me, me, me…it’s ludicrous.
If I could get out of my skin for a day, it would be so refreshing.
part of me reverts to the tortured artists soul. Maybe the demented parts of my personality are the parts that can make me great at what I do. And as a tortured artist, I suppose nobody really understands or is friends with them. I guess that’s how it works.
But going down that road seems a bit narcissistic to me, despite the fact that it might be the most comforting.
If this line of thinking does have any merit, I’ve also gone down the mental path that maybe this is how God made my life to be. An artist and slightly plagued by life’s knocks…maybe aspiring to be like David in the bible. But as such, maybe I’m more useful in God’s hands….
I have a real hard time making efforts to be more social, but I really am trying. There’s a huge down side though, either the efforts I’m making are not perceived as such from the general public or my fears of no one liking me may actually be true. Either way, I’m not encouraged in my efforts and end up just wanting to quit.
Am I desirable?
I have my doubts.
I hate posing that opinion. I’m not looking for someone to fix me, get attention or make me feel better.
I hate that someone can’t just say that if they’re really feeling it.
And because everyone is so self absorbed, it causes awkwardness, like they have to fix and make feel better.
….like I said, ludicrous.
Most of this dumb battle is in my head. I know that.
There’s a cyclone in my brain. Thoughts that don’t rip down houses, but my esteem and joy. The devastation is just as bad as a city reduced to rubble.
What I don’t know is how to fix it.
On the bus ride over here, I was really getting into it in my brain – tough thoughts that would make any unstable person start to consider suicide. It was strange though, for the first time I was beginning to look at multiple sides of my thoughts, ways to avoid blaming or being so hard on myself. It was an odd thing, and I noticed how much easier and satisfying it was to retreat to the ‘woe is me’ routine and blame myself. Those thoughts on the bus though, I caught them from getting destructive. Changed my thinking as I notice their harmful nature. Maybe God is having mercy on my brain, allowing me to think differently. I have been praying for relief, this could be the start.
This is the kind of thing you don’t get over but by walking through it. That, I am doing.
Teams changed since the beginning of Uganda. I’ve had an opportunity to work on the mistakes I’ve seen in myself with new team members. I’ve had opportunity to fix issues I’ve created with old teammates.
I’m working to discover how much of these tendencies I have are simply just a part of who I am. What really needs fixing and change, what things need only to be identified, and allowed to sit and exist (as uncomfortable as they may be) and be myself.
I’m discovering myself.
It’s a process.
Unashamed of who I am and comfortable in my own skin.
truly.
……getting there.
