Freedom (ˈfriːdəm) n. The condition of being free of restraints. Liberty of the person from slavery, detention, or oppression.
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Alive (uh-lahyv) adj. being animately existent
I don’t know how to explain how I’ve felt this past month. I
really don’t know if I could with only words. But, for those of you back at
home, that is all I have. Coming alive in freedom is the best way that I can
possibly describe how I feel. Everything about this month relates back to that
phrase.
The hardest part of my month was Monday morning. I had to
prepare a song for kids at the sports camp in the afternoon so I was just
resting in the Spirit and asking God to just give me a song. I felt an
overwhelming strong presence but still was not getting an answer to my
question. So I asked again. I knew I felt the Spirit around me but I was still
wondering why I wasn’t getting anything. I heard God speak so clearly that it
really caught me off guard because it doesn’t happen that often. All he said
was that he didn’t want to talk to me about a song. He wanted to talk to me
about something else. I obviously didn’t know what that “something else” was so
I walked away from the group and just lied down in a sunny part of our farm and
just waited. I instantly started bawling, not just a couple tears streaming
down the side of my face, completely bawling.
God had brought to my mind something from my past that I was
still letting define who I am today. It was something that I had pushed to the
side even before the race began. I tried to ignore that it existed and tried to
think that I already had found freedom from it. But I didn’t. I still lived
with it inside me. And it had really affected me the past couple days.
In the days leading up to this revelation, I had been
feeling really ugly on the inside as well as the outside. As a woman, I didn’t
think too much about the feeling ugly on the outside part because I do
constantly compare myself to other women. Being on a beach does not help that
at all either. So I wrote that off. But when I really started feeling ugly on
the inside, I was broken. I don’t mean to sound boastful or proud or anything
but I rarely feel ugly on the inside…ever…
God brought this thing from my past up to the forefront of
my mind to show me why I had been feeling ugly the past couple days. If I just released
this thing, it would not haunt me, hinder me, define me, break me, silence me
or affect me anymore.
I don’t want to go into much more detail about what happened
after that because it is really personal but for anyone who is that interested
in it, you can definitely send me a message and I can explain more to you
because it is worth it to hear.
I planned to share what I just experienced that morning with
my team later that night. But, a new volunteer came and was asked to join in on
our team time so I was instantly taken back. I really didn’t want to share this
part of my past with a complete stranger. I didn’t want her to look at me any
differently or judge me right away based on this very personal thing I was
about to share with my team. Those thought went right out the window…Lauren
shared that maybe Rebecca was sitting in the room for a reason. Maybe I felt
what I felt that morning because God knew Rebecca would be sitting in the same
room with me later that day needed to hear what I had to share. Who can argue
with that? So…I shared…everything about my past…with a complete stranger…and
received love and freedom.
It was the most freeing thing I have done.
My team, Rebecca included, THANKED me…THANKED me. That’s not
normal. That’s not expected. That’s not a typical response to what I shared
with them. And THAT is why I have grown to love and trust my team so much.
Because no matter what I share with them, they know that I need to share and
only through that, can I have complete freedom from it.
This action just speaks volumes about them and how much they
love people in general. Rebecca even told me that she saw so much more value in
me because of my vulnerability and strength to share something so personal with
her. That encouraged her to share something personal with the three teams that
are here the next night. Mandy (our contact) even brought one of her friends
who really didn’t believe in anything specific over to our house the night
Rebecca shared her stuff. So, I know from his actions and words that her
openness affected him and showed him something new about all of us here. It’s
just awesome to see the ripple affect happen when someone just moves in the
spirit.
I’m so glad that I listened and didn’t fight the spirit when
my past was brought up because my story had to be shared with people. I don’t
have to be ashamed of my past. I can use that to help people who need to hear
that someone has been through what they’ve gone through and still can find that
freedom and find their life in freedom. Becoming alive in freedom is just the
first step for me. I want to continue to walk in it and share it as these next
months continue. I definitely do not want to be selfish with this feeling at
all.
