please
pardon yet another blog of rambling. i’m finding that it’s just easier to be
raw and real [with the entire world] than it is for me to try and put my head
and heart into a nice little box. thanks in advance for understanding.
welcome to
the desert. where, although i know it’s not true, i feel like the sign outside
reads “population: one.” that one, would of course, would be me. the
consolation, however, is that in my dream world desert where i am the only one,
there is a lot of ice cream and coffee. oh, and i can listen to christmas music
year round without being judged.
fourth blog i’ve started so far today. it’s a little after one in the afternoon
and i am sitting on a balcony overlooking the negev desert in israel. it’s the
first time i’ve opened my computer in over a week. i’m restrained to microsoft
word even though contact with family and friends is at my fingertips. my mind
is all over the place and nowhere all at the same time. i feel discontented
these days, and i cannot exactly put my finger on what it is that is causing
it. maybe it’s just me.
i am
realizing how much i fight things that come my way. good and bad, i resist
whatever it is the lord puts in front of me. i guess you could say i’m a glass
half empty kinda gal. and i hate it. i hate that i still have not learned to be
content. i don’t know what i want but i know that what is right in front of me
just isn’t satisfying. paul talks about contentment in philippians, “for i
have learned in whatever sate i am, to be content.” well, i still have
some learning to do, paul. and it really is ridiculous. here i am, sitting in
israel. israel. on the world race, serving people and running hard after the
lord and it just doesn’t seem to phase me.
maybe i’m
burnt out. maybe i’m still walking around with a heart of stone that needs to
be turned to a heart of flesh. maybe i’ve really got more together than i think
i do and i’m just having a drama queen-esque moment today. maybe it’s just
another one of those things that i will never understand and i still have to
keep doing the deal, even when i don’t feel like it.
but then,
at the same time, i am getting to the point where going around in circles just
isn’t so appealing anymore. i am sick of working on myself. i am tired of
spending time figuring out what my issues are and how to best fix them. not
because i don’t want to put the work in but because there is a hurt and dying
world right in front of my face. and i am generally too concerned about me
getting myself put together that i often overlook what is right in front of me.
i pass by the widow because i don’t stand in confidence. i shy away from the
limping man because my trust in God is anything but substantial. i feel like i
need to have it all together before i can go out and make a difference. and i’m
waiting for the big explosion of God moving instead of being persistent in the
small things. and, well, i guess i am just ready for some consistency. i’m not
asking for constant joy, peace, favor, or even God moving. but a little
consistency would be nice.
do i sound
like an ungrateful, pessimistic, spiritually bi-polar jerk to anyone else?
great.
i guess
what i know right now is that i don’t know anything. i feel like i am back at
square one where it is taking every ounce of energy i have just to believe God
loves me. wholly, completely, and just as i am. i am in that oh-so-familiar
state of not getting it. any of it. maybe i am brinking on desperation and
complete abandonment.
so, that’s
where i am. wandering around the desert i guess. the negev, to be exact.
pray for
me.
i really
don’t want to be wandering around the desert for forty years. truth be told, i
think i would be pretty upset about it after forty minutes. trust me, i can
empathize with the israelites now.
on that
note. please know that i am praying for each of you. we are on a technology ban
for the entire time we are in israel [minus blogging, of course]. so i won’t
have the chance to respond to comments or emails until after the new year. but
i would love to have an influx of mail from home when i can get back online.
