fall is a funny thing.
the nostalgia of it all brings me to a place of football games and apple cider. i think of homecomings and new beginnings. for me, fall has always been a time to start over. make promises of working out and eating healthy. determine myself to read more of the Word this year and go to bed earlier. it has always been a time of reunions and catching up. this year, however, i don’t have the promise of a new school year or the safety of ordinary traditions. i’ve traded in my annual pumpkin pie concrete for instant coffee and weird kool-aid-esque drinks. i’ve given up the traditional biking trip for a trek around the world.
and it’s all okay because there is no other place i would rather be right now than wrapped in my bright orange sleeping bag in the middle of hungary. i feel more at home in the middle of two new friends, wearing the same outfit i’ve had on for three days than i have in a long time. i know i am exactly where i am supposed to be and i am smack dab int he middle of God’s will for me.
and the center of His will is always the best place to be; even if it’s not always the most fun.
i find myself walking around this city, making every effort to step on the crunchy leaves at my feet and in the midst of the laughter, joy, and gratitude that is resounding within me, i cannot help but fight a sense of loss.
a sense that parts of me, many parts of me, still need to die. still need to be sacrificed.
throughout this trip i have found myself over and over laying down my rights. giving up what i think is correct or the best way of doing things. i had to lay down who i thought my teammates should be when i didn’t think these people would be good for me. and again i find myself in that process at the thought of being separated from any of them. i’ve had to surrender my expectations of what this trip is going to look like. what the lord is going to do in me, through me, and in spite of me. i have had to give up personal space and personal time. i’ve let go of countries and even the right to toilet paper. i’ve put my future at the foot of the cross along with my family and my friends. and i’m learning that in order to be more like jesus and to even begin to understand who he is and who he wants me to be i have to get over myself. every single day.
but dying to self is never the happiest place to be. thank God i have family and friends back home who are praying for me. thank you, lord for a team who is gracious, understanding, and willing to speak life into me in the midst of my battles.
so, i’m processing. and i’ve giving up more of myself. and i’m asking the lord to fill those places. some days it hurts a whole heck of a lot. but the lord is good and faithful. all of the time.
and in the midst of things falling off i can feel him replacing those voids with more of him. i can feel my heart being transformed from a heart of stone to a heart of flesh. i can sense freedom and confidence and anointing boiling inside of me. empowerment has never before been so real to me. so it’s okay that i’m giving things up. it’s good that i am learning how to die everyday. i want to be completely emptied of myself so that i can be completely fulfilled in him. as hard as it is sometimes and as un-good [yes, un-good] as it feels i am embracing the process. i’m asking the lord to wreck me, bring me to the end of myself. be careful what you pray for, right? but i believe wholeheartedly that at the end of myself is more of jesus. and ultimately, no matter what i have to lay down, give up, or release – that is what i want. just more of jesus.
