i’m a doubter by nature. i always have been. i have spent most of my life waiting for the next bad thing to creep up on me. i never learned to relax or rest because i always suspected that there was something terrible looming around the corner. maybe it sounds dramatic, but for most of my life this seemed to be the case. it was hard to find the lord in the midst of heartache and pain. it wasn’t easy to see his goodness when right in front of me were trials and temptations. as a result of growing up this way i have lived a lot of life in a constant state of worry and anxiety, even when it goes against everything i cognitively know to be true about who God is.
basically, i’ve developed a lot of buts. a lot of really, really big buts.
for just about everything i seem to have a rebuttal. pun definitely intended.
for example, when someone mentions to me that everything will be okay because god is good my response would likely be
but : i can’t see his goodness right now
the lord will provide for all of your needs
but : my support account is low and i am so sick of asking for money.
you have a destiny, a purpose, and a call
but : i am so incapable. i don’t deserve the good things god has for me. if he gives me anything i’ll just screw it up.
the lord wants to use you to change the world
but : the issues are too big. there are too many victims in this world for one small-town girl to make a difference.
and the list just goes on and on and on.
like i said, i like buts.
for years i’ve allowed these rationalizations to define my way of thinking. i’ve given permission to the enemy to invade my life with lies. since being home from the race and settling into life down in georgia the lord has really been speaking to me about these things. he’s been nudging me to trust him more, especially in the little, everyday, mundane kinds of things. he’s showing me that he’s still same God who healed blind eyes in uganda and held aids orphans in vietnam. the same God who set me free under that tent in kenya is here. he’s here in gainesville, georgia. he’s near and he’s good.
and he’s asking me to change my buts.
because i have a big but. but God has a big but, too.
you see, i am a sinner and it makes no sense for me to have a place of esteem or privilege in the kingdom of heaven
but : i am a co-heir with christ, loved and worthy to receive blessings because i am covered in the blood of jesus.
my support account looks bleak
but : i serve a god who richly supplies all of my financial needs. he is a father who gives only good gifts to his children.
given my background i should be a mess in my relationships with others and with the lord
but : god is a redeemer of all things. he makes all things new. he’s the God of second chances. he’s never giving up on me.
there are millions of orphans in my world, thousands dying from aids everyday. modern-day slavery seems like an issue too big to even begin to tackle.
but : i serve a big God. a God who loves justice. a God who always leaves the ninety-nine to chase the one.
i don’t understand my calling and my destiny. i have more questions than answers.
but : i have a God who give me peace which surpasses understanding.
i am learning that this list also goes on and on and on. and it’s up to me to make a choice about which list i will buy into each day. i make declarations every day. good and bad. positive and negative. it’s up to me to pick between promises and lies. life and death. i’m learning to reshape my buts. to re-think the words that come out of my mouth, the actions that flow out of my life. i’m making a conscious effort to believe God for big things, for good things, for provision and peace. and i’m letting God’s but, instead of my own, define my life on a daily basis.
on that note: i am trusting the lord to provide as i continue to walk in a season of continued support raising. i have a monthly support goal of $1,500. i am currently in desperate need of long-term monthly supporters who will partner with me in my ministry. without your help orphans won’t be fed, victims of human trafficking can’t be rescued, and people won’t hear the Gospel of Jesus Christ. i would love to talk more in depth with you about how you and your family can partner with me to make a kingdom impact on a hurting world.
