maybe it’s africa, maybe it’s the fact that we barely have one hundred days left on this race, but conversations as of late have seemed to drift to everyone going home. i suppose at this stage it’s normal to start thinking about what life will hold for each of us post-race. people are thinking about jobs and places to live, we are receiving emails about flights home; plans are being made. and of course the prospect of being home in three months brings joy. i am so looking forward to catching up with friends and family and making up for the time i have been away. and we are all looking forward to having the little comforts back. i cannot tell you how much i miss having a real towel, flavored coffee creamer, or the freedom to drive around in my car.
it’s been difficult to think about it and stay fully present here, in the everyday.
but as excited as i am about journeying back to the states there is also a certain amount of fear and anxiety accompanied. i’m scared about a lot of things. i’m afraid i won’t be able to conquer wal-mart on my own without having a nervous breakdown or that real coffee will pale in comparison to the instant magic i’ve been drinking for eight months. i’m nervous that i won’t know how to rotate more than six shirts in a wardrobe or that i won’t remember how to use a real washer and dryer.
the past eight months have just ruined me. and i am sure the next three will only help solidify the change that has taken place.
and i think more than anything thati want to take God at his word. the whole thing, not just the parts that get me excited or give me the warm fuzzies. but the parts that hurt, too. you know, the parts that talk about dying every single day or the parts that tell me to be patient, gentle and loving to all people at all times. did you know those things aren’t just suggestions? they are actually things God commands of me. hmmm.
but it’s amazing because it’s for the sake of the kingdom. and when God can trust me to be patient with my teammate maybe he will trust me with the anointing i’ve been asking for. it’s not about works. but it is about choice. it’s about choosing to walk in the things God has commanded us to walk in. it’s about bearing good fruit and laboring so the fruit will last [John 15:16] in order to advance God’s purposes and his kingdom.
but i’m just not sure how all of this is going to translate over into real life without causing quite the ruckus. but i guess jesus stirred things up a bit, didn’t he? i am not convinced that God is just asking me to go home and show you the picture of my favorite african child or describe to you how beautiful it was to walk where jesus walked in jerusalem. i think God is less concerned about me going home and telling the story of my jaunt around the world and more concerned about me telling his story to the world. the story of the grace he has shown me, the freedom he has provided me, the redemption taking place in and around me. the Lord is asking me, asking all of us, to go home and motivate change. to go home and be the change.
and that’s scary to me because it will require responsibility and sacrifice. it will actually require me giving up my life in order to find it. here i thought i was giving up my life for a year and that would be the end of it. little did i know it is just beginning. i am just beginning to lose myself and find him. i am only scratching the surface of less of me and more of jesus. i’m realizing that this whole thing is less about me saving the world and more about God saving me. saving me from all of my own stuff; my own pride and selfish ambition and bringing me into the kingdom.
i know. it doesn’t make sense. it defies the standards we have set for ourselves or allowed the enemy to set for us.
but it’s my new normal.
