We arrived in Berlin just shy of a
week’s passing today. We didn’t make it here without typical World Race drama. The
night before leaving Ukraine, I left the house in a hurry to grab dinner. As I
returned to our apartment, I heard Kristen yell down from our 10th
floor window that two policemen were in our place and they took their
passports. She then advised me to stay outside until further notice. As I ate
my dinner in the cold, 4 more Racers arrived home from grocery shopping
surprised to hear my explanation of why we had to wait outside. We waited for
about 45 minutes and then heard Kristen yell down that the policemen were
leaving and we should hide so they didn’t know there were more of us. The five
of us scrambled in different directions… hiding behind cars, bushes, etc. After
the coast was clear we entered our warm apartment safe and sound. Later I found
out that someone called the cops when they saw a bunch of foreigners lugging
all their stuff into one apartment (20 people from different teams for a night).
Crooked cops arrived trying to bully us into giving them obscene amounts
of money without having valid reasons. To make a long story short, the officers left
when they realized my intelligent teammates weren’t going to adhere to their
ridiculous requests.
We all went to sleep happy that night
that the silly drama was over. The next day we woke up early to catch our bus
to Berlin. Only issue is that two of our teammates got stuck in the elevator.
By that time, I had about 2 hours of sleep the night before and I wearily
thought, really what is going on? First, the crazy police and now we may miss
our bus because of an old rickety elevator that’s on its last leg? Thankfully,
Holli and Benny were only stuck for about 15 minutes and we all made it on time
to enjoy a 24 hour bus ride to
Berlin.
Here in Berlin, it’s rainy, cloudy, and
cold most of the time, but the consensus of the entire group is that we pretty
much love Berlin. Over this past week, this newly formed group has
laughed together, prayed and worshiped together, gone on a walking tour of the
city, and caught up on sleep from a year of constant travel.
The day after participating in the 28
hour Burn of prophetic worship on Halloween day (we did a 2 hour set), I spent
some much needed time alone with the Lord. A lot of thoughts swarmed in my head
during the past 24 hours. Our 2 hour set went well, and I even got to sing one
of my favorite songs “Bless the Lord” by Tye Tribbett. I was excited to sing
this song but a few hours before our set, familiar thoughts of insecurity rose
up in me…what if I mess up? What if I’m not good enough? Yadda Yadda. It’s
funny because even though these negative thoughts flared up, I’m intelligent
and grounded enough now to know how to distinguish a lie of the enemy when I
hear, feel, or see one. I definitely did not want to make our time of worship
about me, but my pride was on the line. And everything that I feared could go
wrong, did. I couldn’t hear myself singing, couldn’t really hear the timing of
the music, and my nerves were pretty out of control. As I prayed before we
began our set, I asked the Lord to calm my nerves and that I would move the
focus off of me to Him. He then asked me that, “if I fell flat on my face during our
set, would I still do it if it brought Him glory”? Yes I replied hesitantly.
Now, it wasn’t the end of the world
what happened, but to me in that moment it felt like it. I felt like this was
my chance to begin to walk in a gift the Lord has given me and I felt like I
messed up and wasn’t really good at something I believe the Lord is calling me
to…to worship Him in song. Sometimes I don’t even know what note is coming out
of my mouth…but this is what you want Lord? My pride doesn’t want to be like
one of those contestants trying out for American Idol, who think they can sing, but
have no idea it’s quite the opposite. It’s uncomfortable not knowing your place
in a new group, let alone in your own calling.
Yes it’s silly that I have made this
all about me. Who really cares if I messed up? Get up and keep going. But I do
want to be honest that I have made
it about me. My pride wanted to blow people out of the water with my talent. I
wanted to be recognized as a significant factor. It’s funny because even though
these desires are still present, they are not the same as before. I am free
from bondage of the mindset that I am inadequate and unworthy. I know who I am
in Christ. Does my flesh sometimes act otherwise? Yes, but I know where my
foundation lies. The Lord just may ask us to do things that are not always
comfortable. Which is where I am at now in my life. I have a foundation in
Christ and it’s pretty glorious, and now I am learning how to build on that
foundation, hence walking out my victory in Him. It’s not easy, let me tell
you. Ever since that awesome night in Romania, I believe I have been coasting
on the joy of my new found freedom. While in Ukraine, the Lord reminded me that
I still needed to go through the fire. And here in Berlin was my first fight. I
don’t like that I still have to go through things, learn things, struggle through things. I just want to get it already! The Lord gently spoke to me
through Ecclesiastes 3:11, “He has made everything beautiful in its time”. I
felt the Lord telling me “ I will make you beautiful in your time. You are
beautiful to me now, but let me mold you and make you into the person I have
created you to be. Let me shape you… yes I know it is uncomfortable and painful
at times. But I know what I’m doing.”
I cried when I heard these words.
Growth is a process; that quite frankly I don’t always want to go
through. A few verses earlier in Ecclesiastes it says, “There is a time
for everything and a season for every activity under heaven….a time to plant
and a time to uproot, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep
and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.” Well if you know me
at all, you know that I love to laugh and dance, but I also know that as I have
had a time of tearing down walls in my life, it is now time to build. It is
uncomfortable, but it is time.
So even though singing in front of
people still makes me nervous, pridefully I wish I could sing like Whitney
Houston…but yet I still love to sing, especially praises unto our Lord. In
Psalm 100 it does not say to make a “beautiful noise” unto the Lord; it says to
make “a joyful one”. More times than not a beautiful sound does come out of my
mouth, but that’s not what it’s about. Joyfully I will praise my Lord, and
joyfully I will proclaim His goodness.
Recently our worship team prayed over each other, and
Kristen had the words “Denied
Calling…UNVEILED”
come to mind for me. I guess I could consider our 2- hour set during Burn to be
my unveiling, and by musical standards it wasn’t that great. I denied singing
out His praises for years due to fear and insecurity, but no longer. I have by
no means arrived but I no longer want to stop whatever the Lord desires to do
in me and through me. Pride is an issue the Lord is continuing to break me of,
and it definitely hurts sometimes. But I love that He loves me enough to be
patient with me so that I may bring Him glory.
let us shout aloud to
the Rock of our salvation.
him with music and songs.”
