I wrote this blog entry in September 2012. At the time, I had been living in Orlando, FL for one month and trying to cling to Jesus with everything I had. I had no idea why he had brought me there. I had only been a Christian for 7 months and still had (and still have) a hard time grasping the concept of grace.
Because this is something that I’m learning again, I wanted to share this entry with you all. His grace feels too good to be true most of the time, and I’m still learning to simply receive it. If ever I have a season where I am struggling with believing the goodness and fullness of God’s grace, I reread this entry… and I cry tears of joy, because his grace really is just. that. good.
“Lord, I am so prone to wonder, even though I want to always be yours. Continually seal my heart, Lord. Remind me that I am yours and you are mine. Although this heart of mine often doubts you, it’s the most precious thing I have to offer and I lay it at your feet.”
“Prone to wander, Lord I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love. Here’s my heart. Oh, take and seal it. Seal it for thy courts above.”
Vulnerability can be a scary thing. But, let’s all be vulnerable for a moment and admit that these lines are truer than true. Loving Jesus, making that difficult decision to follow him, wasn’t a one-time decision. It is a decision we, I, have to make every single morning. Sometimes I even have to remind myself of my decision throughout the day. I know, I know, “good” Christians love Jesus aaaaaall the time. And, I do. But I don’t always act like it. And, sometimes, throwing in the towel seems more appealing. But what is so beautiful about my Jesus is that, on those days when I feel like I just can’t hold onto him anymore, he reminds me that he’s the one holding onto me, not the other way around. This walk isn’t based in my strength, but in my weakness. It isn’t based in my knowledge, but in my continual pursuit of his truth and goodness. Honestly, that truth is the most freeing thing ever. It’s not up to me. That’s the beauty of his grace: it isn’t up to me.
That’s what I’m learning most in Orlando right now: the beauty of his grace. I have learned about his grace so many times before, but learning about how extensive it is, how it permeates every fiber of our beings, that it is freely and lavishly given to me constantly and consistently… that is a lesson that is a little harder to learn. At least, for me it is. That is something Jesus is freeing me from lately: thinking that I am somehow too low, too messed up, for his grace to reach. Jesus is gently teaching me that he is not afraid of my mess ups and screw ups, and that he is not angry with me when I fail. Here is a beautiful illustration of grace a dear friend once shared with me:
Picture this: You are five years old again. Your dad is teaching you how to ride a bike. Because he knows you’re ready for the next step, he’s taken the training wheels off of your bike. You’re scared and excited all at the same time. You know that you can’t ride a bike without training wheels yet, but you know that your daddy knows exactly how to teach you. You push off of the ground, with your daddy holding onto the seat of your bike to steady you. He runs alongside you as you pedal faster and faster. Once you build momentum, he lets go. You make it about two feet before you eat the pavement. It hurts. You skin your knee and shed a few tears. Your daddy takes you inside, sits you on the counter, tends to your wounds, calms your tears, and holds you. You feel better, but you feel defeated. You’ve fallen 99 times now. You want to throw in the towel. You are tired of failing and you feel like you will never be able to do this. But, your daddy knows that on the 100th try, you’ve got this. You’re going to fly down hills and cut curves like a pro. He gently encourages you to try again. And when you do, you finally get it.
This is what our God, our Daddy, is like. He’s not angry when we fall while we’re trying to learn. He knows we’re going to. A father doesn’t yell at his young child for falling while learning to walk… he rejoices when his baby makes it just two steps! And cheers us on when we finally make it three steps! He knows this is all new territory for us, so he cheers us on, dusts us off when we fall, puts us back on our feet, and encourages and supports us. It’s beautiful. It’s grace.
This grace that Jesus is so sweetly astonishing me with has been something I have had to daily choose to accept. Some days, I don’t want it. I don’t feel good enough and I want to do things my way. Then he gently whispers that his grace even covers that. His grace washes over me even when I don’t want to accept it, even when I don’t choose him.
I am prone to wander. And, Jesus, boy do I feel it. But… here’s my heart. Continually seal it. Seal it for your courts above.
Photo credit: Emily Ley
