Yea, you read that title correctly. For over two years now, I’ve been a Christian that doesn’t know Christ. I’ve completely believed he died for me. I’ve wholeheartedly clung to the power in his resurrected life. I’ve even studied his life and character. But actually knowing Christ? Nothing. I heard him speak to me one time about 3 months after becoming a Christian… but after that? Not really. Don’t get me wrong, he didn’t go anywhere and I wasn’t ignoring him. There was no active pushing against him. But there also wasn’t an active running after him.
For me personally, I needed to cling to God the Father before God the Son. I needed to have that Papa-sized hole in my heart filled before I was going to trust the Lord enough to be willing to go any further in this “Christian-thing.”
And man oh man… Abba filled that hole SO well! He let me know that I was loved, that I was his little girl. He uprooted the most deep-seated lies in my heart, healed my wounds, and then filled those spaces with his love. I began to actually trust that God was a good God, not an angry kid with a magnifying glass over an ant hill or a distant judge just waiting to slam the gavel at my repeated failures and disobedience. The Lord kept pursuing me, and healing me, and loving me, and taking care of me, and singing over me, and comforting me, and making me laugh.
You guys, if you hear nothing else, please hear this:
The Lord is the sweetest, funniest, kindest, most generous, and most loving person I have EVER met.
And so, in January this year, I went on a little drive through the back roads of upstate South Carolina (the mountains, rolling hills, and fields stir my heart for the Lord like whoa). While on this drive, I told God that I was so happy with where he and I were, that I didn’t want it to ever change. I wanted it to last forever.
A few days later, I didn’t feel God anymore. I couldn’t hear him anymore. I could barely see him. I begged and pleaded for him to come back. I thought I had done something wrong and that he had abandoned me (oh, me of little faith). For two and a half months… silence.
I wrestled. I doubted. I pitched fits. I was a toddler.
Our D-Group was reading through the Gospels during all of this. I decided that if God wasn’t going to talk to me, then I could at least read scripture and find him there. But I started feeling something strange as I read Jesus’ teachings. I felt… distant. “Why don’t I feel all the warm-fuzzies I used to feel, God? What is going on?”
“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’ (Matthew 7: 21-23, ESV)
(Massive deep breath.) The day I got to that section of scripture, it felt like the air was knocked out of my lungs. Honestly, I really didn’t want to hear it… it hurt too badly and I didn’t know why. And so, I stopped reading all together. “If this is how scripture makes me feel,” I thought, “I’m too scared to read any more. I want to know more, God… but not when it feels like this.”
Over those next few weeks, I spiralled into one of the loneliest seasons of depression I have ever felt. I felt imprisoned and abandoned. Forgotten about. In pain with no relief on the way. I felt hopeless. “God, why aren’t you rescuing me?! Why aren’t you sheltering me like you promised you would? I thought you said you’d never leave me nor forsake me. What are you doing?!”
On a Friday night in March, our church was having a viewing of “Father of Lights” by Darren Wilson. I’d seen it a few times before, liked it, and was expecting to just have a relaxing night watching a movie with my friends. What happened later completely side-swiped me. As I watched the movie, I became more and more distracted by my own thoughts, and in the last 5 minutes of the movie, the Holy Spirit prompted me to ask myself and Jesus a weighty question: Do I know you? Not “Am I a Christian?”, but “Am I actually living in the fullness of knowing you that you intended and promised?” The answer I received was equally terrifying and relieving. “No, you don’t. But I want you to. If there is still air in your lungs, run after me. Get to know me. Read the scriptures, and you will find me. I have always been here waiting for you.”
And so, I dove back into the scriptures. And wouldn’t you know it, our D-Group was on the crucifixion and resurrection stories now. As I read the story of Jesus’ crucifixion… I began to weep. The reality of his love for me absolutely overwhelmed me. Each time I read the story, it broke my heart deeper and deeper, and then healed it more fully.
On the fourth and final read through, I got halfway through, to the place where Jesus is carrying his cross to Golgotha, before I couldn’t make it one more word. I couldn’t watch my Savior die a fourth time. I sat on my bed in tears. “Jesus, I love you. I can’t watch you die anymore. It hurts too much.” And then, he said the kindest words, “It’s okay. I’ll be here. I’ll hold your hand. You can do this. Just keep on reading. I need the reality of what I did to sink into your heart. It’s going to be okay. Trust me.” Ya’ll… Jesus… the Lord of Lords and King of Kings, the one that was crucified, was encouraging me to simply READ about his death. Do you see the incredible tenderness and gentleness of his love?! As I finished the last words, the room felt solemn. I felt like the disciples; heartbroken, scared, and wondering “What next?”
And then, it was the third day. I began to read about the women coming to the tomb and finding it empty. I began to read about them running to tell all of the disciples, even Peter, that he was alive. I felt the overwhelming joy that my God, my King, my Jesus, had conquered the grave. You guys, HE’S ALIVE! Don’t you see?! The tomb is empty!
And after six days Jesus took with him Peter and James, and John his brother, and led them up a high mountain by themselves. And he was transfigured before them, and his face shone like the sun, and his clothes became white as light. And behold, there appeared to them Moses and Elijah, talking with him. And Peter said to Jesus, “Lord, it is good that we are here. If you wish, I will make three tents here, one for you and one for Moses and one for Elijah.”He was still speaking when, behold, a bright cloud overshadowed them, and a voice from the cloud said, “This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased; listen to him.” When the disciples heard this, they fell on their faces and were terrified. But Jesus came and touched them, saying, “Rise, and have no fear.” And when they lifted up their eyes, they saw no one but Jesus only. (Matthew 17: 1-8, ESV)
I know I’m not properly exegeting this passage, but these verses have been the story of my life the past three months. In January, I told God I didn’t want anything to change, I wanted to make a tent and camp out with God (Lord, it is good that we are here. If you wish, I will make three tents here…). In the middle of me wanting this, he changed everything (He was still speaking when, behold, a bright cloud overshadowed them…). He side-swiped me with the beauty and glory of his Son (a voice from the cloud said, “This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased; listen to him.”). And now… all I see is Jesus (And when they lifted up their eyes, they saw no one but Jesus only.).
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8-9)
Praise the Lord that he draws us closer, that he calls us out into deeper waters. He wants so much more for us than the tent we want to set up on the mountain… He wants to build a palace in our hearts and dwell there. He wants to be closer to us than we could ever want to be to him. He is all things good, and worthy, and holy, and amazing. You guys… he’s Emmanuel, God with us!
