But I’m a very stubborn person and I was holding on to my
bubble with all of my might.
I’m still trying to process everything I learned and what
I saw but I would like to share a few of the things that I did learn.
Monday our first sermon was on
“Grieving the seasons of lives.”
Our speaker told us
‘the reason why grieving is so necessary is
because if we don’t grieve we deaden our hearts and start shutting out everything and everyone around us!’
Yah…ok God..you got my attention.
I have had so many seasons in my life that for some reason or another tore me apart. Instead of grieving and working through everything,
I decided to ignore it all. I was closing my heart toward people I care about and most importantly toward God.
I knew how to put on a good face but inside I was screaming!
I was and still am terrified to grieve and let go.
It makes me have to be vulnerable.
I have protected myself from outside things that
I don’t know how to live any other way.
Sooooooo I heard what God was trying to say to me
BUT
I didn’t know how I could just magically break down my walls and be open and grieve what I needed to. I was so worried about how I was gonna fix me that I forgot to put God in the equation and He was ready to
ROCK MY WORLD.
We had our next sermon and wouldn’t you know it, it was on why we practice forgiveness. The three main reasons why we need to forgive were:
“ 1. Because unforgiveness affects your relationship with God.
2. Because unforgiveness destroys your relationship with others.
3. Because unforgiveness gives the devil a foothold.”
OK OK OK I get!
My unwillingness to grieve and to forgive was destroying me from the inside and with my relationship with God.
At this point I just cried because after all the years of not forgiving or grieving
I was really pushing God away, and I was exhausted.
I couldn’t do it anymore!!!!!!
I was afraid to love God because I didn’t feel loveable anyone.
I forgot how to trust Him with everything!
I forgot how to trust the people around me.
I am about to leave for 11 months with people I just met,
how was I going to do that?
I was asking God to provide for this trip when deep down I had doubts.
Was I even worth the trouble?
I just stood there, eyes closed tight and listened.
I didn’t tell God what I wanted;
because I really didn’t have the words. I needed to just feel Him.
I would love to tell you that I felt His mighty presence that night but that didn’t happen. God needed me to be quiet and to rest in him.
I went to bed in a weird place. Not knowing anything anymore.
The next day in my quiet time I opened up to Philippians 2 and God spoke to me louder than I have ever heard him.
The 2nd chapter talks about being humble and having a Christ Like attitude.
It shares how God needs to be the focus and needs to have the spotlight.
I realized then that I have been making my life and also this trip all about me. Thinking how “I am going to be changed” and “What I am going to see!”
God hit me with a spiritual 2×4 and told me “this trip is about ME!”
I need to hear that.
I get to see God working and moving and I’m lucky enough to just experience it! He showed me that I have to let Him in because how else will I know what true love and worth means.
Those things only come from God.
Today I am still learning how to give every day to God. It’s a process that isn’’t going to take overnight. I have to wake up each morning and say Ok God, today is yours. Sometimes I’m able to and sometimes I fail…but now I know God is here and has a better plan for me.
I’m learning to love Him, how to love myself and
know my self-worth.'
I will tell you that I have a new found excitement in God.
It’s almost like I get to start over and experience God is a new light.
At the beginning of training I was being dragged down by chains.
God broke those chains and I left them in Georgia and
today I am learning to live without them!
